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HELLO ALL - ANY THOUGHTS ON MY LIST? I'M SURE I'VE MISSED SOME THINGS.. THANKS, Kabbie
CONTRACT (Begins the day you return home from rehab)
Daily AA meetings and weekly counseling a must to stay at home.
No rides except to daily AA meetings and job interviews, not on bus or train route, and only until you can get rides from other AAers.
A lump sum allowance FOR FOUR WEEKS or until a job is found, to be managed by YOU, not us. (Put in checking acct at one time, when it's gone - it's gone - no nickel and diming)
Any drinking or using - move out, locks will be changed.
We will not be responsible financially for your lawyer or court fees concerning DUI charges, or your cell phone bill.
We will manage your health insurance and medical expenses for 6 months based on sobriety and staying clean.
Weeknight curfew is 11, weekend is 12 - after that, doors are dead bolt locked for night.
I like it. But be sure you have on there "In return for your complying with these conditions I will...." I realize the unstated idea is "allow you to live here" but, at the same time, what does that allow? Can she use the internet? Call friends on the phone? Etc?
Very good response. I struggle with establishing boundaried myself. Often I will realize I need to go back and clarify the ones I have set.
I like the idea of stating what your daughter "can" do...and what she can expect from you. That way it doesn't sound so much like a list of "thou shalt not", and more like a real contract between 2 people who are willing to give and take .... within limits.
Setting boundaries can sometimes be difficult...I think you are doing very well!!!
One thing that REALLY has helped me is to do a "walk-through" of any boundaries I make to work out any kinks in the system. The walk-through also helps me determine if the boundary is really a boundary--boundaries are for us, not for them. For example, a boundary is: If you start to scream during our discussion, I will end our discussion and walk away. This is a boundary because you can count on the fact that you can control your OWN actions. Unfortunately, "if you start to scream, I will ask you to go to your room," doesn't work as a boundary because it depends on you trying to control her to go to her room.
My concern with your list would be that it will work great if she follows all these things, but if she doesn't it puts you in the role of policing her behavior. For example, are you willing to wait up every night to enforce curfew? If she doesn't show, will this lead to a restless, sleepless night for you? Are you willing to police her AA attendance and what does it mean for her if she misses a meeting, or two, or three, but then starts going again? When the going get's rough, are you going to be able to follow through?
You might consider whether having your daughter come back to live with you after rehab is the best or only answer (I don't know that it isn't--just something to think about). If you consider other options, then you'll be able to make the best ultimate decision FOR YOU.
Sounds like a good start and really discussing these things possibly at the rehab before she leaves gives everyone a chance to agree before she moves in.
Also have you thought about asking her what are her boundaries? May seem a little odd, but she may need to start setting boundaries also. What a safe place to start - at home with parents that love her and can let her know if those boundaries are unrealistic and unreasonable. This way she can learn about healthy boundaries and what is good for her recovery.
As in any relationship, some times we need to compromise, as long as we don't compromise anything that can cause harm to ourselves or others.
Sending good thoughts & prayers your way for all of you,
Progress not Perfection,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Reading your post made me sad. You obviously love your daughter so much and are quite desperate to help her get well.
This all sounds good...if you are running a rehab facility or minimum security prison. For this to be in your home, well, it sort of puts you in role of policeman.
Yes, you will have to stay up to enforce her curfews, taking her to daily AA meetings makes you a taxi.
I certainly would not want to live like this with my own parents!
When my daughter was a teen, and it was appropriate to crack down pretty hard, I told her I was not going to live like a warden in my own home. I told her that after 18 years of living with me she knew my standards and what I expected and if she could not respect them then she needed to move out. Pretending that she did not know something would not work either, I don't play games. This approach worked.
From the research that I have done, for SOME people, not all, daily AA meetings makes is harder for them to stay sober. Hearing constantly about others slips and relapses during shares on a daily basis makes it hard for them to start developing a life that does not center around drinking. Some people do better with weekly meetings and daily contact with a sponsor, conversations that are not all centered around relapsing and drinking.
You are treading on dangerous grounds for sure when you police someone's recovery. Recovery entails so many different things for different people! What works for one person does not work for another.
Why not just tell your daughter that you will provide all her needs while she is with you and don't give her an allowance at all? That removes some temptation. If she gets tired of this arrangement than she will have the natural motivation to get a job ON HER OWN, like a dignified adult.
In my humble opinion, she needs loving mom and dad, not a jail warden at home.
Of course you still have standards, tell her that she can stay with you as long as she is in recovery, and you both are intelligent adults to know what that is without spelling out specifics. She will need to research for herself what a successful recovery program is for HER, like any other addict who becomes successful. You will provide her NEEDS, she can give you a weekly list about what shampoo to get, etc. so that she does not get too comfy living off mom and dad. It is clealy a temporary arrangment while she gets well. Under this arrangement, she will seek a job when SHE is ready. It may be tough for her at first, most people drink and getting a job and making friends and being invited to go out drinking may be tough early in her recovery. Once she gets better, she will seek a job on her own if you are not giving her any money. Most adults don't like not having any money of their own.
Tell her that she can live with you as a natural family arrangement, a grown up daughter needing help from loving mom and dad due to illness. That you don't allow drinking in your home, and she needs to respect that rule, or she needs to leave. You also don't allow disrespect in your home towards mom and dad, so if she is not willing to live there as a loving family member, she needs to leave.
Your rules sound like you are quite desperate to have something work, since you love her so much.
Rehab institutions, prisons, etc. have all tried such drastic measures of control and policing to control the behavior of adults. Rarely do they have any more than short term success. Adults need to learn to police their OWN behavior.
Are you really ready to deadbolt your doors and not let her back in if she breaks the rules? Can you really hear her kicking the door and screaming at night and not give in? Would you call the police on her and NOT go bail her out when she called you?
Help her see the value of what she is losing if she relapses, a loving home with a loving mom and dad. If her home is a minimum security jailhouse, it may not seem like much of a loss to lose if she finds another place to live or hang out.
I think you need to worry more about what YOU will do if she breaks the rules.
Do you want to be loving Mom? Or policewoman?
((((kabbie))))
I am sure this is tough, this is just my ESH. Pray about what to do for yourself.
Well the list looks good and I wish u luck . U don't say how old your daughter is , ree: curfue etc . boundaries are an action thing and they are for you alone when someone steps across them it's time for action . I have always found remaining cosistant was the hardest part . As long as u are making boundaries and not building walls it just might work , boundaries can be a little flexible depending on the circumstances. walls on the other hand are imovable . Louise
It does seem as though some of the rules are setting yourself up to be the warden. Example, how will you know if she goes to meetings?? Does she have to have someone sign a sheet for her that she turns in at the end of the day?? When my A was court-ordered to AA for a DUI, the sign-in requirement was a joke--apparently other As would sign the form for them.
I suppose, though, that it is her choice to decide whether to live under those rules or not. It is your home and you have the right to set boundaries. I would be careful though of crossing the line between setting boundaries and trying to control her recovery--she has to do that for herself.
Just curious--did the rehab facility give you any guidance about what sort of rules or boundaries to set??
I wish you the best during this time--it is almost as stressful as when they are active--F2F meetings really saved me. I wanted so much to know who, what, where, and when and all it did was push the A away. He had to figure out life on life's terms while sober and I tried to get in the way--whether I knew that was what I was doing or not. As always, take what you like and leave the rest.
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
Why does she have to be out at all on weekdays of weekends? It will make it much harder for you because it's hard to go to sleep when the A is out and then you are the warden. Maybe no going out at all until she has some designated number of meetings and has a job and is contributing to the househol like an adult.
I think I am saying this because of all the miserable nights I had when he was here and not coming home when he said.
I have a friend who has a daughter who is 30 and not an A, very responsible and successful. When she stays over in her mom and dad's house she has to be in by 10:30, because that's when they like to go to bed and they know that even with a responsible 30 year old, you never really sleep until you hear the door close behind them. She doesn't object.
No rides except to daily AA meetings and job interviews, not on bus or train route, and only until you can get rides from other AAers.
I am a little confused. At one point you state that "we are all adults," yet you state that you're able to cover your daughter on your health insurance. If your daughter is over 18, then (IMHO) I would make the following changes:
No curfew. Why should you have to be a warden?
No allowance. If she wants/needs money - she has to get a job. If she needs something, buy it for her - but don't give her money. You can control what you buy, but you can't control what she buys. This will give her incentive to get a job and motivation to watch what she spends her money on because she had to earn it.
About rides - again, I'm confused. If she's 18 or older, she should be able to get her own transportation (bus, train, etc.). If you are limiting where you'll drive her to - then fine. But I don't understand why you're limiting her ability to get around by bus or train if she works to earn the money and pays for that herself.
I'd also state in the contract that by following these rules, she will be able to live in your house and you will provide:
Thanks to all of you - I still have A LOT of work to do. I hope this post and all the responses helped YOU as much as it has me. This is such a great place to learn from each other's struggles. I'm grateful to be here.
You're right, I'm setting up rules that make me responsible, not my A. An alanon meeting EVERYDAY this week for me.
I need to really soul search - I don't believe I am ready for her to come back home. Need to speak to her rehab counselors and her - for other options.
I know it in my HEAD, it's my HEART that can't let go.
A couple of things that I ran by AH sober. If she has had a drug problem, why are you giving her an allowance? Is she going to be in an outpatient facility after she gets out of rehab? It would also help to know if she's under age or a legal adult.
For me, it seems to me like you will be spending alot of time policing her actions. If she misses 1 AA meeting or couseling session, will she be out? How many can she miss before she is told to leave? When my A went to the YMCA and stayed in the more "structured quarters" they had the same kind of curfew. The problem with the curfew is that most people get into trouble on the weekends, so why not change the curfew times to reflect that? The other thing is, if she is an adult, are you going to go through her things? Or do you trust (that may be a strong word) her that she won't bring in anything into the house?
Most importantly, what are you going to do for you? At what point will you be so concerned with what she's doing that you forget to work on your own recovery?
Good luck with everything. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
