The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The second half of the second step is "could restore us to sanity".
It doesn't say "could restore us to power".
Why do things seem to get even harder when our A gets sober? Maybe we expect them to do it our way. In order recover, the alcoholic has to let go of what doesn't work... the insanity of doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.
That applies to us as well. Our attempts to control the alcoholic didn't work when he was drinking and guess what... they won't work when he/she is sober either! They aren't going to make the ammends WE think they ought to make if/when they get to that step. Why not? Because they are doing the steps for themselves. We need to do the steps for ourselves as well.
When my daughter got sober, I thought I could be twice as helpful... not only as a father figure, but as a sober alcoholic myself. It just doesn't work like that. Almost everyone involved in the disease of alcoholism suffers from living too narrow of a life, one that swirls around the vortex of the alcoholic. Just as the alcoholic must step out of this and get some new experiences, new people, new input to survive... so must we.
My daughter's sobriety had nothing to do with me. I can't stress that enough. Absolutely nothing! We literally started over on our relationship, the advantage being we both had a program and some common language there. Sometimes when an alcoholic gets sober, #1 they stay the same otherwise. #2 Sometimes they become the person we knew and loved before alcohol took over their lives. And #3 sometimes they become someone else entirely. It's not fair for those of us who hoped for #2, but all our wishing and controlling is just part of the cycle of insanity.
Being a codependent is like being a passenger on a motorcycle. Sometimes it's smooth, sometimes it's exciting, sometimes it's terrifying. Alalon for me is about riding my own bike.
That is so true. sometimes I get so frustrated and lonely b/c my recovering ah is not doing what I would love him to do. I want him to be a bigger part of our family, I want him to do things for me w/o my asking, I want him to be affectionate towards me, I want, I want, I want. My favorite saying when I get the blues about things still not being my ideal is "I am not the sun"--I also think this about everyone who is trying to get the world to revolve around them.
I really am lucky--he has been doing so well. But his recovery is his, and my recovery is mine!
hi there i have just started on my journey and its great to read some of these readings - i love the motorbike metaphor and also saying 'i am not the sun' when things don't revolve round me!! i have always been of a fearty when it comes to motorbikes and i am a bit of a fearty to go on my own journey to separate from my a. would love to know what stage you guys are at now - reading others stories has been so helpful to me - my partner of 15 years started on the 'a' road 2 years ago but will not go down the recovery road - i have tried to guide him but i am now doing the steps so i am trying to 'back off' - its not working yet - don't think i can stay in the partnership much longer but trying v hard as we have two lovely wee kids ..... this tragedy is breaking my heart - wonder how many hearts the f family disease of alcoholism has broken - thanks fiona
