The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So, for years, I stuffed my feelings - practically a prerequisite to being in Alanon. I didn't even really understand that feeling wasn't the same as thinking. I'm slowly starting to learn different.
When my A got sober 2½ years ago, and I then got into Alanon, I often just bit my tongue because I couldn't think of a way of saying what I wanted to say without his surely getting mad - even when I was sure there WAS a reasonable thing to say out there somewhere - plus I was learning that every speck of energy he had was going into staying sober and building a recovery for himself.
But 2½ years later, he's still sober & working a good program, we're actually having real conversations again sometimes - and I'm tired of saying nothing when I feel hurt by an action of his; yet I don't want him to get mad, either, and ruin a perfectly good time together.
I think I have figured out I need to remember he's not responsible for my feelings - yet it's also true that I DO have feelings that arise in response to his actions, as he does in response to my actions or words. (and as all spouses do, I suppose.)
We were going through some items & had agreed that some could go to goodwill. There's no question about whether they're useful, they're really just decorative, & live on top of the cabinets, so they're not in the way either. But later I noticed an item we had NOT agreed on was in that goodwill pile. I was hurt - if my opinion mattered, why not consult me on that one as on the others? And if it didn't, why bother to consult me on the others? It felt like he was trying to sneak one past me - in that way, it kind of felt like being lied to.
So when he asked, "what?", as I stood there, I said "you're not going to like it", and calmly told him some of this. I did stay calm, and I did try to emphasize what I was feeling. Still he did, as predicted, get upset, and we basically didn't speak for the rest of the afternoon.
So I'm muddled about all this-- was there a better way to approach it? I know this wasn't a huge big deal - should I just have said nothing? What to do with my own resentment and hurt in that case? I understand there wouldn't be any point in bringing it up with an active A, but he now has over 2½ years of recovery - I guess I believe his improvement - manifested by our often-improved communication, & his actually bringing stuff up sometimes - means that we can try to address some of these - misunderstandings? power struggles? control issues?- that I'm sure plague all married couples.
On the upside, congratulations on working things for 2 1/2 years sober! That is great for your hubby.
Just an observation.... if he began the conversation with "What?" it sounds like he already knew he did something he was feeling guilty about. In my AW and ASon, guilt breeds conflict.
Does that mean you should stuff your feelings to avoid it? Probably not. My AW is still active, so that doesn't count, but with my ASon who has cooled it for a few months, I can normally discuss things with him after the fact.
If I am calm and just say what I mean, normally he will soak it in without going nuts. Of course that may not be the same since he is my Son and not my spouse.
You are entitled to your feelings and your thoughts. My current strategy is to express them nicely, and let the A decide if they want to get mad or not. That part of it is their business. I might say that is not very popular with my AW right now, but I have not done that in years in order to avoid the conflict you describe.
Hard for me to say right now what the right mix is. I am just too new at it. Hope you get lots of feedback on this one.
Take care of you!
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I am soooo glad you brought this up. I am going to watch people's posting to this, b/c I am very curious myself about this. My AH has been sober almost 3 months and I am having trouble with this myself. I am so glad he is sober and sometimes think that should be enough, but I want a relationship too. I don't want to make mountains out of molehills (truly unimportant things), but then again when we are talking about feelings and our perception of things I feel like I should be able to share them without him getting upset.
I do share things but only after holding them in a while and truly bristling with every move it seems. I know this isn't healthy, but I fear the overreaction on his part and the coldness I think I might get from him. (The exact feeling that my opinions/feelings/thoughts aren't important).
I am sorry you and your AH had a disagreement about what to give to goodwill. I hope some here will have the answers you need to help you out. Until then at least know that at least one other (and I'm sure there are actually many more) knows what you go through and doesn't understand either.
Well I was told I only had to learn two things when i arrived here , when to speak and when to shut up. hehe seems I had it all backwards when I arrived here . :)
You sound like i used to be a big discussion when if I had thought- How Important is This ? first I might have a avoided an argument perhaps instead of assuming that he was trying to put something over on you and saying so a simple I don't think I want to get rid of that just yet would have worked . comminication we don't do well I know takes awhile .
I learned to stop walking on egg shells always afraid to say the wrong thing , I have a right to say how I feel and let it go , not expecting that anything will change , it's just important that I speak up . I do it for me.
I learned early to take my problems to a meeting or a sponsor first and come home with a solution , it works . We work hard to allow ourselves to be ourselves , remember that nothing u say or do will cause him to drink again , we are just not that powerful . so learning when to speak up or when to shut up takes time , we all make mistakes no one I know does it right all the time. goodluck Louise
One of the things I think may help you, I know it's helped me, is "reflexive communication":
"When you say_______, what I hear________, and I feel _________. I would appreciate it if you would __________ when you say/when you feel/when you need/when you want/when you ask __________"
Example, from my own life, involving my step dad John:
"John, when you say 'who turned on all the lights in this room?!', what I hear is 'what IDIOT turned on all the lights in MY HOUSE and is waisting MY MONEY?!. I would appreciate it if youwould watch your tone of voice when you ask questions like that when you need to know what's going on."
1. You have validated the other person's feelings. 2. You have validated your own. 3. You have acknowledged the situaion.
Another way of doing it:
"What I hear you saying is __________. Am I understanding you correctly?"
Example: "Mother, what I hear you saying is that you want to you my associate discount to purchase your jeans. Am I understanding you correctly?"
OR
"What I'm hearing from what your saying is that you hear/you feel/ you think/ you see ________. Am I understanding you correctly?"
Example: "Dad, what I'm hearing from you is that you feel I'm not being forthright about my grades at school. Am I understanding you correctly?"
Anytime there is a "No, that's not right" keep doing the reflexive talking until you get a "Yes, that's it." or something to that effect.
Keys of effective communcation and conflict resolution: 1. No blaming. 2. DO NOT bring up past arguments, resentments, fights or anything like that; you don't live 20 years ago, do you? Why are you talking about the past then? 3. The fight is over when it's over, and you drop it.
I guess I stuff a lot of my feelings...the small ones. I have a one day rule with myself. If something happens and I get hurt by it - then I sleep on it. If I still feel upset, then I talk with my husband.
I also make a point of focusing on sharing my feelings on the big things. Ever since I've done this - I also notice that my husband lets the little things that irritate him about me to blow over.
The big things that I make sure I share my feelings on include: how we should figure out a way to buy something that we might not have enough money currently to pay for - like a car, house repairs, gifts, vacations.
My husband seems preoccupied in his own head. He is really intelligent and lacks a certain amount of common sense and common courtesy.
Therefore, I would have handled the Goodwill issue with my husband a little differently. I would have gone over to the Goodwill pile and taken the thing I didn't want to give away off the pile (and hid it if need be). If he watched me take it off and said, "What?" to me - then I would have said, "I don't want to give this away." Then I would have put it back where it came from.
Thank you all for your input and reminders - not the least of which is, there is no one right answer, not only for all people, but even for all of my own situations; and if I insist on continuing to look for one, I will definitely make myself crazy.
I appreciate hearing several ideas I can try out and see how they work for us - thanks.
I am soooo glad you brought this up. I am going to watch people's posting to this, b/c I am very curious myself about this. My AH has been sober almost 3 months and I am having trouble with this myself. I am so glad he is sober and sometimes think that should be enough, but I want a relationship too. I don't want to make mountains out of molehills (truly unimportant things), but then again when we are talking about feelings and our perception of things I feel like I should be able to share them without him getting upset.
I do share things but only after holding them in a while and truly bristling with every move it seems. I know this isn't healthy, but I fear the overreaction on his part and the coldness I think I might get from him. (The exact feeling that my opinions/feelings/thoughts aren't important).
take care,
Dawn
I know exactly what you mean. Everytime I went to my husband with a thought, a feeling or opinion, he thought I was attacking him and then he would counter-attack. In reality, I was walking on eggshells all the time. Everything I said seemed to irritate him. Believe me, I suffered for it. I ended up in the hospital with a 5 hemoglobin count. I suffered anxiety and panic attacks, and depression. I tried to bite my tongue because I also couldn't stand the overreaction, coldness and shunning because I spoke up. Guess what? he left me anyway. I moved heaven and earth to try to save this marriage. Nothing worked, so I might as well have stood up for myself. At least then I could have some self-respect. This is a no-win situation. If I stood up to him, it caused a huge fight, and if I cow-towed to his every whim, then he lost respect for me. I wish he would have married someone else, maybe another alcoholic--then he wouldn't have ruined another life.
