The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My daughter is 22 and in inpatient rehab - been there almost 30 days now. I visit it her on the weekends. I'm starting to resent having to take her out during my visits for personal supplies etc. She has no money, and is relying right now on my husband and I for financial support. I'm in Alanon, and I know I have to take care of MYSELF, my needs and feelings. But it's difficult when she cannot provide anything for herself as far as material things. She has at least another month of treatment, which will come out of pocket. Then, she is facing lawyer and legal fees for a DUI when she gets out. She can find at least part time work pretty quickly she gets home, but that's awhile out, and I'm not getting a sense that a job is at the top of her release goals plan. She is a terrible money manager. And she seems to feel so entitled to ours.
One of my biggest mistakes was allowing my son to feel entitiled to my money. Somehow I convinced myself that if I was in need, he would jump forward and help me so therefore I should be helping him with lawyers and DUI s etc. Perhaps if he had had to pay his own way, he would not be drinking now and I would have thousands and thousands in the bank.
Heard in a meeting: Guy called his first AA sponsor from jail. Sponsor replied, "Yes, I'm glad you called. Yes, I'm glad you're safe. No you can't stay here. No, I won't give you any money. Yes, I can give you contact numbers for your release. No, I won't help you with expenses." Guy said it was the best thing sponsor could've done for him. It made him WANT to be sober. He has 2+ years sobriety, something like that.
Enabling is primarily done financially. You can set limits. Say "On this date, I will no longer give you any money. You will have to do X, Y, Z. You will need to get a job. I will not be your supplier." Your daughter got herself into this mess. She can get herself out. I am surprised she's not paying for rehab. Many people do.
