The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I had a really nice day Sunday. I went to a talk and then out to dinner with friends. I hardly thought about my A son. Then, in the car, on the way home I had an attack of guilt. Where was he while I was having a good time? Was he drunk and cold? Did he have money for food? Has he lost his job and has regrets? Was he in jail, or with his druggie friends? Was he trying to get it together and suffering? Did he need me but knew I wouldn't come anymore?
I made myself crazy for a while and today I can't shake the bad feelings.
I haven't phoned in 3 days and he hasn't called me either. That's a long time for both of us, but I think he knows I have made a change. It hurts.
Change is painful at first. Like working out for the first time in years. You hurt and are sore all over, but you know you are making this change to help you. Same goes here.
When I am honest with myself and the pain caused by the changes in my life, I find that the pain of this change is not as great as the pain I already had in my life by changing nothing. And now along with that pain is this glimmer of hope that the pain will give way to a new life.
You deserve to be happy and healthy. That is what this program is all about.
Be gentle with yourself today and know we are here for you. It took me 40 years to get this screwed up... it will take some time to turn it around.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I feel a lot of guilt also, Laura. My A is my daughter - maybe the guilt is a "mom thing"? Somedays it really gets me, it does the same it did to you this weekend - it's like I'm "frozen" in it, have trouble getting past it and just stay in one place for hours. Sorry you are going through it too. Kabbie
As I work on my feelings, one of THE most glaring things I am CONSISTENTLY seeing is the reality that things fall into "GOOD" and "BAD" categories. Feelings are "BAD," they make me do "BAD" things, think "BAD" things, say "BAD" things, feel "BAD" things. I'm not sure what a "GOOD" thing is, but puppies come to mind. Except when they poop. Then the puppies are "BAD."
Look at that thought process right there. See how confusing it is? How black/white, yes/no, my way/highway it is? I have come to see, the more I challenge my realities from my alcholic up bringing that there IS NO such thing as GOOD or BAD. There are such things as "More Good Than Bad," and "More Bad Than Good;" for example, I would rate robbing a bank on "More Bad Than Good;" I would place getting a full night's sleep on "More Good Than Bad." See where I'm going here? Whenever I place things in boxes, in "GOOD"/"BAD", "PRODUCTIVE"/"UNPRODUCTIVE", "YES"/"NO", what I'm really saying is that I'm scared of the possibility that I deserve life. That I deserve to experience all of God's goodness and the not so goodness. And part of this comes from the beliefs that were ingrained in me as a little girl--I mean, come on, WHO ELSE could be responsible for Dad coming home pitch sh##t drunk? Well, today I know, DAD! DAD was responsible for DAD'S actions; DAD was responsible for the EFFECTS of HIS actions on HIS family; DAD was responsible for these things--not some little 9 year old girl!
So, back to your guilt: It's not good nor bad; productive nor unproductive; blameful nor blameless. Feelings are subjects that confound evolutionists. Why is it, for example, that monkeys and humans can form impressive emotional ties to eachother, but male lions can care less who they hang around with? How is it that Elephants defend their eldest so they may die in peace, yet snakes live their lives in solitude? So you had a good night--Hooray! What you're really saying to us is "Rather than obsessing about my son, like I feel a 'good mother' should, I took care of myself." Your son is an adult--if he gets arrested, HIS NAME appears on the arrest record, not yours! If he gets in a car accident, HIS NAME appears on the citation; NOT YOURS! At a certain point, it's okay to let him get pissed, get upset, and take action--because eventually he'll look in the mirror and say, "These actions have been because of myself. I have done this to myself. Not mom. Not dad. Me."
I don't always think that guilt is non-productive. There are times when I feel guilty about having my A leave when he was active. When those feelings crop up, I take a moment and reflect what has happened and what lessons it has taught me. For instance, it taught me that I can set a boundary and stick to it. It taught me that I can make the hard choices and still be okay. It has taught me that you never know what the next moment will bring, so enjoy your life and every moment of it. To me the only time that guilt can be non-productive is when we wallow in it, like self-pity. But a few pangs of guilt here and there are okay. It means we are human. Don't be so hard on yourself. You're doing just fine.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Warning - those feelings don't go away after they become clean and sober!
I really believe that it's a parental feeling - to want our children to be safe & sound. I have to remind myself that my daughter is an adult and she's responsible for her own safety now. I am just there to give her love and emotional support.
