The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today has been a long long lonely day. My husband is away for 11 days. My 3 older children are busy with their families and far from here, the weather is cold and rainy, I have eaten way too much and I am trying so hard to understand detach with love from my A son. How will he know I love him, if I stay far away as I must since he is in a big binge now that will last a while?
I have let my social life go since the last big crisis 6 months ago. It was too hard to have fun and participate when I felt I was churning and wondering what was going to happen next. I absolutely hate the cell phone because no matter where I was, or what I was doing, it would ring and I would have to run. (I was the enabling queen) Either he had no money, he was fired, he had no gas to get to work, DIL was leaving, he was in a blackout and raving and hurting her, he was driving drunk. And I always ran, thinking somehow I could fix and make him listen to reason and of course get and stay sober.
I need to get a life so I don't have to think about him 24/7. It's not good for him or for me. Tonight I will visit with a friend. Tomorrow I am going to a talk. Monday and Thursday is Alanon. Monday I will meet a friend for lunch and Tuesday I have a therapy group. I work from home so I really need to get out especially when my H is away.
I am grateful for this site and all the reading I was able to do today on it. This is a strong group of people and I hope I gain strength from all of you and wisdom too.
I wish you the best of luck - I know it must be hard, especially with your A your child. But remember, you are not helping him by enabling - only keeping everyone stuck to the disease. My A's Mom runs for him all the time - he is now 39 and still calling Mom and he behaves emotionally like he is still a teenager. That's about when they got stuck in the illness and emotionally neither have grown emotionally since that time. And she's still running. He told me recently that one of the reasons he isn't bottoming out and breaking his addiction cycle is that in the back of his mind, he knows she'll come to his aid. So both of them stay stuck. I haven't walked in your shoes so I can't imagine what you must go through and how that must feel - it must be awful. I wish you all the strength, courage and hope. You deserve it! You are doing teh right thing by keepign the focus on you - and by doing so you may just help him out when he has to do for himself and feel his emotions.
Hang in there and good luck. Remember how amazing you are! Will be thinking of you,
You have a life, you just need to learn to live it. We get so caught up in "their lives." Most of us have said we need to get a life, forgetting that there was a time that we did have our own life, and we were living it -- working, doing, enjoying -- just plain old living. We wake up and realize where did that go, when did this happen, how can it be that it's been this long.
One day at a time start living the life you have, build on it a little at a time, renew those old contacts and leave that cell phone at home. Start living. The key here is you just have to start.
Someone asked me this, "Do you think your A spends even a fraction of the amount of time thinking about you, as you do on him?" Do you think he is thinking about whether or not you love him? You know you love him, no matter what. The thing that is so difficult is continuing to love him from a distance that allows you to live your life. You deserve to live your life -- and enjoy it. Right now it's easy to say "but he's my son." He's also an Alcoholic who is putting that first -- above everything else including you and the pain it is causing you.
I can tell you that he is not "doing" this to you, he's doing it to himself. No matter how much we want to make them see, get them to realize what they are missing or screwing up, it's just not possible for us to do it. They have to come unto their own understanding. I think of it as fighting inside a paper bag, I hate when I climb in there and if I'm really determined I can fight and fight and fight and not get out. When I surrender, let go and let God, the way out of the bag becomes clear.
This is a hard, hard, journey. W/ alanon there are promises, one is You can have serenity whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not. And you can. ODAT
I am sure my A is not obsessed with me as I am with him. When I'm paralyzed with fear and can't enjoy anything, I'm sure he is doing his idea of fun, hanging out with his friends in a bar. He is avoiding thinking while I am overwhelmed with fearful thoughts of him.
I just had a pretty good time with friends. We made supper and watched a video. No cell phone and I never called my answering machine to check for messages, another compulsion I can't do anymore.
I was just reading your posts. You are doing great hon. You have come a long way in a short time. I have been where you are. I understand. I never thought my son would be a heroin addict/alcoholic. The pain and worry was unbelievable. This program saved me from my own self destruction. It's been almost 3 years now and my life is so much better and so is he. What I learned was he had to do it himself. it wasn't wasy to watch, but with the support of alanon I survived. So get to as many alanon meetings as you can. Continue to practice self-care. That's what you are doing when you see friends and do things that you like to do. Drop into the chat room too. It is open 24/7 and we have 2 meetings a day. There is a link for it on the top of this page. Wishing you the best on your journey :).
