The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
For years,,,when the insanity of my husbands drinking was progressing, I wanted friends and family to feel sorry for me. Oh woe is me! Sitting on the pity pot waiting for something good to happen. Somebody do something,,somebody stop all of this, somebody help me,,,,,etc,,,etc. Even when I started Alanon, I went to get someone to help me get my A to stop drinking, to solve all my problems at that time. I refused to admit I needed help, the reason why everything the way it was ,,was because of his drinking etc etc. Sound familiar? I wanted everyone to run to my aide, I wanted everyone to fix it after my many failed attempts to do so myself!
Alanon taught me that I have choices,,,,,,,,,,I can sit and wait for something to happen,,or I can take action. I can feel sorry for myself for the rest of my life, or I can change my thoughts around, and start to live again. I can let the actions of my A rule my well being, or I can take control and rule my own feelings. I can start the day feeling miserable but also I have the option to turn it around to make it better. These are things us alanoners forget ,,that we have choices, and that we can act on them whenever we want. Just a gentle reminder that we have choices..................
No, I do not want anyone to feel sorry for me, nor have I EVER sought that response. I have too many "things" to be thankful for, and will not allow a pitiful demeanor make me forget what is really important. Besides, I am a proud woman who does not allow her private feelings to spill over. Except here on MIP, which is why I treasure this sight. *grin*
That may be the difference between those who are married or partner with alcoholics and those who are children or parents of alcoholics and addicts. I sense less guilt and shame in the partners and spouses of alcoholics. They seem better able to see it is not their fault.
We who have alcoholic parents or children, keep it quiet usually. We do think it is our fault.
I didn't talk about my alcoholic father and depressed mother to anyone until many years after I had left home. As far as I know none of my brothers or sisters did either. We were too ashamed.
Children feel the fact that they are abused or neglected is their own fault. It often takes many years to break the silence, to break all the rules learned in the alcoholic or dysfunctional family.
Then there were many who still tried to enforce the "Don't talk, don't trust,don't feel rules" when I finally broke the silence. Battered women and sexual assault survivors get the message to keep quiet also. God bless them for their courage when they do speak out.
I hope children whereever they are being abused or neglected today are getting the message to speak up. I think all the Twelve Step programs want children everywhere to speak up. I have several nieces and nephews being raised in addicted and alcoholic homes. I pray for them and hope they can get the courage to speak up.
Yes, I have it tough in SOME ways, but so do many many other people. My story is not any more sad than those of others. I can think of many others who have it worse.
Yes, I can relate to the spilling out everything hoping someone would DO SOMETHING about my husband's alcholism, I was in that faze years ago. But I don't see that as getting people to feel sorry for me, that was compassion for my A husband. I tried and failed to help him, so I was hoping someone else had a better idea of how. When I saw that really NO one in this world has a surefire cure for alcholism and even the "treatments" to arrest the condition are a temporarily measure at best for the majority, I gave up thinking someone else had the solution and I stopped confiding in people about the problem.
I think we need to have compassion for ourselves and stop putting negative labels on natural and normal responses NORMAL and healthy people have to horrible situations.
That is like saying that someone who sees a fire and yells "FIRE" is seeking pity and attention and for people to feel "sorry" for them. NO, they see something dangerous and destructive happening and ASK FOR HELP. That is all we are doing...it is totally normal when we see someone else in danger of dying and our methods to stop it have failed.
However, in alcoholism we see that people restart the "fire" so at some point you gotta give them space to kill themselves and move on, maybe to another "fire" that really wants to be put out (such as helping someone who wants help, putting your energy into community service or something like that).
I agree with both you and Diva. I have read many if not all of both of your postings and have always appreciated what you have to say. You are both very obviously extremely intelligent and strong and I learn a lot from your postings. I never saw them or any of the postings here as seeking pity. I think we are all trying to figure ourselves and our lives out.
I do admit that in posting about my mom's recent death, I needed sympathy and empathy. I needed someone to understand what a horrible thing had happened to my mom, who- although she stayed with my alcoholic father-was strong and full of integrity. She will always be a role model to me. She only asked to be able to live the end of her life in the home she fought so hard to get for her children and that was denied to her. I believe there is a higher power who will deal with those who harmed and hurt and ultimately ended my mother's life. I have to hold on to the belief that she is in a better place. The alternative is unspeakable.
I greatly appreciated what everyone who responded said about their moms. In the last several years, I truly had nothing but love for mom and all the more so since I started doing 12 step work about 1 1/2 years ago.
I could wish my siblings had done some recovery before they had to confront my mom's illness, but that didn't happen.
I am relieved to not live with active addicts today. I still have struggles, but I also have much to be grateful for.
Like Diva I'm too proud of a woman or person to want people to feel sorry for me. What I sought was answers to how to get better and a better understanding of my disease as well as my As. I wanted to connect with people who had compassion not pity. Frankly I stear clear of people who want me to pity them. Who play the "pour me" syndrom all the time. I have met several in my groups. It's not that I'm not compassionate for the hurt they are going through. But I need to surround myself with people who are interested in the same journey of healing.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
