The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have to bite my tongue and need some detachment. My A just had a major relapse a few months ago - he went on a 12 day binge - his mother rescued him, took him to the hospital, cleaned up his apartment, etc etc. (enabler!) I moved out. As a result of his relapse his son's mother filed a custody suit to switch custody of their son to her and not A. (A is a great father and binges about once every 2-3 years). Son had been visiting his mother while the binge was taking place. A's Mom got an attorney and starting working with A on the nasty court battle. A's Mom has money and she forked over the retainer fee and said A could pay her the legal fees back. Now things have proven favorable and custody will probably remain with A, legal bill is in, $9000 thus far. A's Mom now yells at A that he needs to be paying her back now, that A has made her and her husband prisioners to this case..ya dah ya dah ya dah.... it really is sad and from an outsider's perspective I can see the dynamics playing out and why A can't get better - he doesn't have to, yet wants to, yets shamed to - I pray that he will get sick of this dynamic or that his Mom will stop picking up the pieces.
For me, I am watching this all play out and wondering...do I want this in my life???? I love A immensely - he can be so caring and kind. I keep Waiting - for that growth spurt and to see his DESIRE to stop kick. If I were to see that, then I;d stay (He asked me to marry him). But right now I'm not seeing a full desire and in the back of my mind I think another binge is in the future unless he grows emotionally and gets himself to AA meetings on a regular basis.
Anyway, I needed to write it out so i could hear myself think. Bottom line, I know and have been tyring to take care of myself and keep the focus on me. I have some decisions to make as I've been on the fence and need a direction. I'm hoping that by the end of the year I will know which path I ought to walk which will be the healthiest for me.
Yes, continue keeping the focus on yourself. That is a huge start. You are losing the situations power by writing it out which is also good. Know you did the right thing by moving out of the apartment. As for his mother, she will have to learn the hardway. You cannot fix the alcoholic nothing you do or say will ever change their willingness and desire to drink. I learned this the hard way. Trying to threaten my mom,but the disease is soo powerful that really all she could comprehend was getting her next drink, It is sad but soo true.
Keep coming back
Lauren
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~life is like a box of chocolates you never know whatcha gonna get~
Vicious cycle isn't it? It just listened to a tape this morn. It said that we Alanoners can't detach because of boundaries. If we have better boundaries we can detach with love and be more of an observer. I am working on this. As Phil said in his post we keep waiting for them to change but they need to hit bottom. And I have heard that we have to hit our bottom too.
