The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have severe nearsightedness. Several years before my father died, he offered me $6000 to have the operation to get my eyes fixed. I was surprised by the offer, but declined it right away. Anyway, I was sort of touched by my father's offer; I think he knew I was struggling with something and he was trying to be helpful. I appreciated that. I also declined the offer because it didn't seem fair to me for me to get this kind of money from my parents'(it was my mother's money too!) unless all my siblings got money. I thanked my dad, but I didn't spend too much time thinking about the misguided offer.
I don't know how long after that it was that my sister told me she put the idea about the eye operation into my dad's head. Then it made sense. I had to chuckle. For many years, my sister had told me she would be really bitter at my parents if she were me, because as she saw it, my parents were to blame for my nearsightedness and the congenital birth defect I have, and therefore as she as always told me, they should pay for my glasses, contacts, orthopedic shoes etc. I guess they gave me "bad" genes to her way of thinking On that reasoning though, I suppose I may owe them some money for the "good" intelligence genes that got me a full scholarship to an outstanding university.
I still appreciate my dad's offer today; money was very, very important to him, so I knew it wasn't an easy offer to make. I think he was genuinely trying to help, but both he and my sister thought of help in monetary terms only, and that wasn't what I needed.
My real problem at the time was severe back pain that clouded my thinking and overwhelmed my feelings every day in a very bad way. I think I mentioned it once to my sister and not at all to any one else in my family except that I did decline social invitations.
I did not ask anyone for physical assistance because of my back pain. Everyone was too busy with their own crazy lives and I couldn't bear the thought of asking for help and being told no. I chose to endure the pain instead. That was my choice.
I think me being silent about what my real problem was, my sister thinking money could solve my problems and my father offering me money when he didn't know what the problem was, are indicative of issues that are rampant in alcoholic families. Some of those are lack of trust, repression of feelings because "feelings don't matter," and most importantly lack of communication.
What a lovely story about how much your family still loves each other, despite the dysfunction.
Here you were thinking it would be unfair for you to get money help that your siblings did not get, yet one of them actually came up with the idea!
It is a good reminder how despite problems, there can be deep and healthy love in a family, that helps them all get through serious problems like alcholism. All of you grew up, and still manage to show love and concern for each other.
Yet, like you point out, it would have been nice to get help for your back problems too! But...the fact is when there were aware of a problem and knew of a simple solution (surgery) they were there for you...working with each other to come up with a plan to help you.
You are so right! Communication is very important.
But remember, even in families with no addiction communication can be difficult and things get lost in the translation, LOL. No one in my Mom's family suffered from addiction, and my Dad did not either. The only alcoholic in our entire extended family is MY husband.
My house is somewhat cluttered and I have papers from work everywhere. My mom is always offering (insisting and OK, downright nagging would be more appropriate, LOL) to help with the clutter. I tell her she can't really help because she does not know which papers I need to keep for work and which ones I can purge. So, I tell her that if she REALLY wants to help, she can help with general cleaning like dusting or mopping...or cleaning the catbox. Funny...she never seems to "hear" or "comprehend" that part, LOL (it is not as fun as being nosy and going through my papers, LOL).
"Feelings don't matter..." If you take all the emotion out of a family setting, and sit only on reactions, you get the same basic problem. Nobody talks, everyone misunderstands and with the best of intentions, the wrong thing is always offered, and the right thing is missed.
That is what happens in my home. Here is a good example. My AW and I had some intimacy misqueues. With all the ranting and raving it's no wonder. Well one day she lit a candle in the kitchen. Started a big argument and later told me that I was insensitive that I didn't take the candle lighting to think she wanted to get romantic. That I had hurt her feelings.
I just could not connect the dots. Like you said, it's communication and crossed intentions... and I did it to.
I am glad in the midst of chaos you can see their attempts at sticking up for you. Just like many of us, they just weren't capable at the time.
Very thought provoking post, thank you for that!
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
It is said that addiction is a disease of relationships. Perticularly the addiction to dysfunction and the need to seek it. The need to be present in a form of dysfunction, to have drama, chaos, somethign like taht.
Alcholism, I think, is one of the most severe forms of dysfunction.
