The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I went to my first AlAnon meeting last night. It was very kind and loving and gracious and welcoming. But, I felt like my life is a nightmare of waiting for the next phone call police car jail blackout coke deal loss tears etc, while everyone there was so calm and optimistic. I of course realize that they wouldn't be there if they hadn't suffered similarly and many of them have reached a state of peace through hard work, but I wanted to scream about how scared I am and about how my life is run by my A son, and how I have no money left and I am afraid he is going to die, and it certainly wasn't the time. I will go back because I so want to acheive peace and have a life again and there must be a process. I dream of an instant fix, which of course is a dream and not reality. I would like him to be 2 again so I could carry him on my hip and never put him down.
It is ok to cry and scream if u need to. I cried all through my first 12 meetings. I could barely breathe the pain was so bad. After finding my way along the al-anon path for a couple of years and having some serenity. My 18 yr old nephew was killed on his skateboard after getting high and drunk. Even after finding peace this disease will still hit you in the gut and many of us have our days when we cannot keep the pain inside. This is a terrible disease and it destroys not only the lives of the afflicted but their families too.
Welcome to this board and I am so glad you made it to a meeting. I, too, felt strange because everyone seemed so calm there. It is a process to get calm, and you slip back also. I still have my crazy days, but since April of this year I am feeling so much stronger and I know it is because of Alanon and those meetings and the wonderful people that can give you strength and hope.
I felt like I was absolutely losing my mind when I came in. I was crying, terrified, horrified, angry, every emotion. It was absolutely awful, I know exactly how you feel. Remember that they have all been there, too. It is OKAY to cry in those rooms, to express whatever it is you need to. You can get some amazing answers and feel so much better when it is over. Something magical happens in these 12 step programs. Don't give up, keep coming and coming to this board also. It is a world of possibilities for me now, and I remember feeling exactly like you do now.
My prayers and love for you and your son.... try to hit some meetings this weekend... promise it will begin to feel better.
One of the regulars on here constantly has the phrase on her posts.... "Don't give up before the miracle happens..."
That is so true. I have stuffed my emotions for 40 years. I have only cried at 1 funeral ever. It was for a 20 year old friend who died of cancer.
My first meeting I was near a total breakdown, and I cried like a baby after reading aloud from one of the readers... the passage was my life. I was brought here by my HP I am just sure of it.
Your HP must have wanted you to see the hope of what a return to sanity looks like. I am so glad you had a good experience. And yes, those people have been where you are right now, I am sure of it. We all have, and some of us are there with you right now.
"Keep coming back, it works if you work it... and you are worth it" .... is the last thing said at my home group. I firmly believe it.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I too have an A son and your post sounded exactly the way I felt when I went to my first meeting. There is hope! never loose sight of that. Always remember that you didn't cause this, you can't cure it and you definitely cannot control it. Addiction is the only disease that someone will yell at you for having.
When I went to my first meeting I wanted them to give me five little words that I could say to him that would make him well by next Tuesday and ya know they didn't have them. They had the gawl to tell me that I had to fix me, that I could not fix him. Well good grief, there was nothing wrong with me, I was just fine and what's this stuff about I can't fix him? He is my son of course I can fix him.
I kept going to meetings and soon learned that yes there was something wrong with me and NO I could not fix him. That first step was a doozy! Me powerless over anything was just not something I was ready to accept. It took a while for me to come around and see through the fog but I made it.
On Memorial Day of 05 we came home from decorating graves only to find that our house had been robbed. Upon investigation it was obvious that the robber had to have had a key and our son was the only one who had an extra key to our house. Pretty cut and dried. I called the police and filed charges and didn't think twice about it. Of course later I had second thoughts about following through and then someone asked me "what would you do if it were a total stranger"? I followed through with the charges and left the rest to my HP.
Shortly after that my son went to rehab to get out of town and escape arrest. He got kicked out of rehab for using and when he called I told him that NO I would not come get him. I had learned enough in Al-Anon to know I had to make him responsible for his own actions. He was on the streets of North Littlerock and it broke my heart but I knew I had to leave him there, he had to reach his bottom and I had to let him fall. He finally got back into rehab a month later and finished the program that time. When he was due to be released he needed an address or they would not let him go. I told him he could come here for one week but that he would have to find his own place. It hurt like the dickens to tell him he could not come home but I had to give him the chance to do it on his own and quite frankly I could not handle the stress of having him around.
I went to a naranon meeting one night and a man loaned me a speaker tape and told me to listen to it. So on the way home I popped it in the player and listened as I drove. Near the end of the tape the lady said "I have heard many AA speakers get up and tell their story but I have yet to hear one of them say I was saved by my Momma".
When I heard this I knew what I had to do, I had to let go and turn my son over to my HP. He wasn't going to get anywhere with me on his back trying to stear him in the right direction and I wasn't going to get anywhere dragging him along behind me.
Since I listened to that tape a lot of things have happened to my son. His wife divorced him, he lost custody of all of his children, he hooked up with a 20 year old girl, he ended up in jail for assault. The ending up in jail part will forever haunt me because I got a call from him on Mother's day this year to tell me happy mother's day and he called from jail. NOT something I ever dreamed about when he was 2.
He is now clean and sober, working two jobs to get himself out of the financial pit he got himself into and when I talk to him I know I am talking to my son not the alcoholic or the addict. He has since thanked me for letting him fall and for getting off his back and making him take care of things himself.
When I turned him over to my HP and then got out of the way and let the miracle begin I found a peace within me that is awesome. I had to learn to roll with the punches and let things happen as they will. I am a total believer that all things happen for a reason. So anytime something happened to him I let it go and let my HP take care of it. I closed the Bank Of Mom, and my son now knows that if he gets himself into trouble he is the one that will have to get himself out of it. That includes going to jail, I will not bail him out, it is not my responsibility.
Another thing that helped me a lot was learning to MIND MY OWN BUSINESS! One thing that helped me learn this was to ask myself if I were my son would I want my mom to ask me the question I was about ready to ask him. If the answer was no then I kept my mouth shut or I didn't meake that phone call.
I now go to more meetings than my son does and my church asked us to start an Al-anon meeting at the church. It is going great and it is so rewarding to be of service.
Keep going to meetings, find yourself a sponsor and work the steps. You will be so glad that you did and your life will be so much calmer when you do.
HUGS
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
So glad you made it to a meeting last night. I cried all the way through my first meeting. I found alot of comfort in the fact that these people had been right where I was at one time and here they were so peaceful...I wanted that too! I wanted it all yesterday! Alanon takes time, but the rewards are priceless.
There is also a chatroom at this site. There is a link above in the yellow box...meeting chatroom...just click on it and you will be there...You will find alot of support there 24 hours a day - 7 days a week...there are also 2 meetings a day which helped me when a face to face meeting wasn't available.
Laura, Your situation reminds me so much of where I was at. My constant thought was this is killing me. I am so grateful for alanon. Trying new things, little by little things got better.
I hope you got some literature from the meeting, it really helped.
I went to my first AlAnon meeting last night. It was very kind and loving and gracious and welcoming. But, I felt like my life is a nightmare of waiting for the next phone call police car jail blackout coke deal loss tears etc, while everyone there was so calm and optimistic. I of course realize that they wouldn't be there if they hadn't suffered similarly and many of them have reached a state of peace through hard work, but I wanted to scream about how scared I am and about how my life is run by my A son, and how I have no money left and I am afraid he is going to die, and it certainly wasn't the time. I will go back because I so want to acheive peace and have a life again and there must be a process. I dream of an instant fix, which of course is a dream and not reality. I would like him to be 2 again so I could carry him on my hip and never put him down.
Laura
HI Laura I am new to this board... THAT really is great that your meeting went well... I have not gone to one yet but I am anxious bout it. BUT after reading your post this has helped me to look forward to the meeting...now I just need to find the right one for me!!!
Like so many have said, it's ok to cry in a meeting - it is a "safe place" It is probably one of the few places that I do allow myself to cry is in a meeting. That is where I feel "safe" to cry.
So grateful that you have join us on our path to recovery. You will find a wonderful group of people here, with unconditional love and support.
We are all learning to live Happy, Joyous and Free, One Day at a Time.
Progress not Perfection,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
