"I loved my husband. I thought I couldn't live without him," said Nancy L. "But I also hated him. I hated that he wasn't the husband or father I knew he could be."

At first, Nancy didn't recognize that her husband was drinking heavily and using marijuana and cocaine. However, she realized that their marriage was gradually deteriorating. There were fierce arguments and bitter accusations. An adult child of alcoholic parents, Nancy blamed herself for her marital problems.

"I'd think, 'I'm such a bad wife. I can't trust my own husband. I have all these trust issues,'" she said. "I tried so hard to get him to love me. I did everything from acting like I was falling apart and crazy to blaming him for screwing up our lives."

Nancy's story of despair, confusion, anger and crumbled dreams is not uncommon among families with a chemically dependent loved one.

Oftentimes alcoholism and drug addiction can subtly become the most important problem that families have to cope with, and all the while these people don't even know what's happening. Maybe injuries and illnesses begin to plague a family, or financial difficulties are dragging them down. Maybe they're suffering from the strains of stress reaction and emotional problems. Often, problems like these may be the end results of long-term alcohol and other drug abuse, and the families themselves have failed to make the connection.

Chemical dependency erodes, often destroys, the ties that bind millions of American families. A study by the National Center for Health Statistics, based on interviews with 44,000 people, estimated that about 80 million adults in this country either grew up in alcoholic families, married an alcoholic, or have a family member with the disease of alcoholism.

Identifying the disease and learning how it affects families is a big first step in the recovery process. "It can be very enlightening and also a great relief to people," said Rosemary Hartman, supervisor of the Hazelden Family Program in Center City, Minn. "There's the sense that you're not abnormal, sick, or morally degenerate -- you've simply been coping with a very difficult problem in a way that most people cope with it."

"People often think, 'I should have been able to do something about this. What's wrong with me that he or she doesn't love me enough not to drink? What's deficient in me that makes them choose the chemical rather than me?' Spouses and children of alcoholics almost always have those feelings."

Self-care for family members begins with learning about chemical dependency, attending support groups, and practicing detachment with love. "Detachment with love means taking responsibility for ourselves and letting go of responsibility for the alcoholic," Hartman said. "It means looking at ways we may have enabled the addiction, such as by making excuses, taking responsibility, blaming ourselves, or resenting the alcoholic instead of acting in ways that are healthy for us."

Twelve Step groups are a good place for family members to gain insight, understanding and support for their recovery process. Al-Anon is one such group specifically designed to address the family dynamics of chemical dependency. Detachment with love is an Al-Anon principle.

"Al-Anon saved my life," said Nancy L. "I found a group where three of the women had been members for 13 years. They helped me learn to 'let go and let God.' I hung on to a lot of slogans and affirmations. One passage in the Al-Anon book really stood out for me. It said, The man I'm married to cannot be the source of my sorrow or joy.' I learned to take better care of myself and talk to myself differently

--Published January 5, 1998 Alive And Free  Hazelden