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I have been reading all of the postings about how the A's always seem to have an excuse or a reason to drink. Most of them sound fairly absurd - and really are just excuses. My AW has never said why she feels like she has to drink, but I have a suspicion that I might know one of the main reasons.
My AW is an intelligent, beautiful, hard working, caring person. Unfortunately her rather large family does not seem to see it or care. Her mother and siblings (all of whom do not live near us) will barely correspond with her and despite repeated request to visit (we live in a beautiful area) always find somewhere else to go or something else to do. They do the same with my A's daugher who is also a very intelligent & beautiful person. Looking back, it seems that the longer this has gone on, the more she drinks. I think that this has created a depression in her that has to be "medicated" somehow. Her choice of medication, unfortunately, seems to be alcohol.
I don't condone or recommend alcohol as a treatment for depression or other psychological problems, and I wish she could find a different avenue to remidy her problem. But -- It does appear to me that she does have a real reason to "medicate". Maybe other A's also have a real reason and have chosen the wrong solution as has my AW. Is this wrong thinking on my part?
No I don't think your thoughts are wrong. Everyone, at some time or another, has every reason to feel bad, depressed, hurt....whatever.
As to having a "real" reason to medicate......well....that's up to us. If I have a headache, I can take an aspirin or just wait for it to go away. If I am depressed, I suppose I can go drink some booze as a way to escape my problems for a while. I can find other creative ways to avoid feeling my feelings too, like perhaps just stuffing them inside and lying to myself that I am even having them.
I guess for me anyway, I can't do that anymore. I have to get things out on the table where I can recognize them and deal with them in a way that might give me some relief from them rather just postponing dealing with them by drinking/drugging/denying..etc.
So back to your statement.... "Maybe other a's also have a real reason and have chosen the wrong solution" Amen to that.
Reasons to drink are as easy to find as stars on a clear night in the country, especially for an Alcoholic. Real solutions to the problems we are having are seldom so easy to find. And they usually require some hard work and no small amount of pain sometimes.
Anyway, thanks for the post. Very thought provoking.
Well, we all have things in our lives that can depress us and make us self medicate....I am not by any means saying you are wrong in your thinking.....however, once we become adults we have to take responsibility for our actions..........only we ourselves can change things.....she has choices to make and she is making the easy ones....drinking is the easiest thing for an a to do.....getting sober on the other hand is a very hard and sometimes an impossible task....
I wish you the best, I understand about her family...sometimes we just have to get over it and move forward....so we can make a happy life for ourselves....not worry about what has happened...and start thinking about what can happen....
I have to agree that I think depression can sometimes play a role in why people drink. I know that when I get upset sometimes the only thing I want to do is have a drink to drown my sorrow. It helps me forget what I am upset about and it helps the pain go away. But I know that it is only a temporary fix. After I wake up from my stupor I am still faced with the same problems as before. Sometimes I have even created more problems for myself. After much deliberation, I have realized that alcohol will not help any situation that I face. Now, I try coping with my problems by either talking to someone or forcing myself to be distracted by something else. Then, when I am ready to face the problem head on I am more prepared than if I had been drinking the night before.
hello Juster , I believe that all of the above u mentioned are just excuses , we all have family problems ,relationship problems but we deal with them . There are always two sides to a relationship , sisters brothers parents , etc . It's unfortunate that the family has decided to separate themselves from your wife , for some it is the only way they know how to stop the pain. sad but happens often.
Blaming other people for someone elses drinking just doesen't work , the alcholic drinks . period. You say the longer the no contact goes on the more she drinks , please remember that this is a progressive disease and it always gets worse , never better. Every year they need more .
I hope you are attending Al-Anon meetings for yourself ,it will help u understand the disease and how it affects your life and offers solutions on how to create change in your home . For me it was the best way to support my husb , get a prog of my own get my life back on track and accept him just as he was . no expectations.(hard place to get to ) get off his back and out of his face , stop enabling him , making excuses for his behavior etc. I was told to step aside and allow him the dignity to grow up and take responsibility for his own mess.
What you wrote made me remember so much of what I used to try to figure out about my husband.
I struggled to find a reason, any reason, some reason why he drank himself into the current state he is in.
I don't know your wife and I have no idea why she drinks but I can tell you what I learned for myself.
Many times what we see in families is not the whole story. I know many people look at my husband, handsome, tall, muscle bound, smart, successful, and seemingly mild and think I "have it made". My husband purposefully had groomed a very mild deemenor. People think it is "real", it is not, it is his indifference to normal life and most people. He barely speaks above a whisper so that people can't hear him and give up trying to converse with him. He yells so loud at me at home and in the car that my bones ACTUALLY rattle with the vibration.
People show different sides of themselves to different people. Perhaps your wife grew up in an unloving and dysfunctional household that she sees as "normal" since she is used to it. Since your wife has long been gone from her family or origin, and has since found a loving mate she has probably learned a healtheir way of interacting, hence your glowing comments about what a lovely and nice person she no doubt truly is.
However, her family has probably not changed much. They perhaps see the changes in her and they can't adapt, so they avoid her. Your wife, no doubt desires to be "normal" and occasionally invite them to visit, but they don't know how to be "normal" so avoid the situation.
That is what I see in my own husband. At times he tries to interact with some family members, but they avoid him. He gets very hurt and does not understand. I used to think that is why he drank, but now I see that it is more complex. Again, NOT saying you are wrong...just sharing my ESH in my own situation.
I found that for me it was important to stop placing blame...myhusband drinks because his family (whatever) or because I (whatever) or because at work (whatever) in his past (whatever). If looking for a reason that shifts the blame from them, there are a million.
I know you are struggling to find a reason for your wife's illness so maybe you can figure out how to "fix it" as I shared, I too spent years doing that.
For myself I have come to the conclusion that drinking is just the way SOME people chose to deal with life. They either found it on their own, or were taught it through seeing other family members.There really is no specific reason.
Thank you all for your responses and ESH. I really appreciate your thoughts and am always amazed at the depth of understanding you possess. Reading your responses and the other postings on the board are always cathartic to me and I appreciate it so much. Best Wishes to all of you!
