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From snowy Colorado. It is pretty. I just wanted to see if anyone had some ESH on the Alcoholic playing the victim, or if that is what this is....
I have been going out almost every night, to an Alanon or AA meeting, because I HAVE to for my sanity. I do come home afterward and AH has been sober and we've had nice evenings, but I explained to him that I never know what to expect from him, so I needed to attend meetings. He met with an AA on Sunday and was 12-stepped, but he has set a deadline of October 31 to quit, and says he'll go to meetings now but as you all know, never get your hopes up. It is in God's hands.
Anyway, by my detaching and doing my own thing, he now has stated lastnight and this morning that I "hate" him. I told him, no, that I loved him more than anyone in the world, I just thought he was sick and needed help, and I couldn't deal with the "drunk" him.
He said, things are different, I can tell. You hate me for everything I've done this year.
I don't act like I hate him at all. I am just changing, more self-assured, and don't let his behavior bother me. I still hug him and tell him I love him. I just have to go out because I can't sit there and watch his demise.
Any ESH on this? Now I feel guilty but why should I? I don't hate him at all... he is the love of my life!
In my experience it has nothing to do with love or hate. Often the A's become the center of our lives. Every thought and breath is about doing whatever it is we think we have to do to keep them content so they don't use. I came to find out this doesn't work.
In working a program for me and only me, working on making me the best person I can be my focus was no longer on the A's in my life or their behaviours. Holy crap, ya would have thought I had packed my bags, left home and thrown them to the curb. People often become very comfortable and expect to have all of our energies focused on them. When that stops it is threatening to them. Change (even good change) is hard for most folks to deal with.
Enter the guilt. "you don't love me anymore" or in my case "I am drinking because you have become distant". I wasn't, am still not but have definitely detached. I refuse to watch someone slowly kill themselves.
Don't feel guilty. (easier said than done). Know you are doing the best for you and in the long run the best for him. Allowing an adult to grow up is one of the kindest things we can do for them. Taking care of ourselves is the smartest thing we can do for us.
As always, take what ya like and leave the rest
(((((((((((((Hersh))))))))
lilms
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Two things: 1. Recovery is a process, not an event.....and.... 2. You only get to go around once. Leave em laughing and make it worth your while
He most likely feels a bit of abondonment because you are not all wrapped up in "his stuff." You no longer cry, beg, plead, fight etc. That can translate to an A (in their twisted thinking) that you no longer care.
The good news is that it can also make them realize that they can no longer draw you in with manipulation tactics and causes them to take pause and look at themselves.
Keep it up!! You're are doing a very loving thing for yourself and for him.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I am glad to hear he at least has a plan. That offers some hope.
To be honest, I heard both "you hate me now" and "I drink more now because you are distant" and I agreed with the latter. She did.... but I didn't put a funnel in her mouth and do that either.
You are doing what you need to right now to retain your sanity.... isn't that what you just said to us? You wouldn't lie to us now would you? <grinning>
I fall into the same boat with you... I already feel guilty for doing what is good for me. When they point at it and say it hurts them, I really have to search my heart. I continue to tell her that I am only doing what I need to do. It is not to hurt you, it's just for me.
It's really not my fault if she doesn't believe me. (or yours) I think you are doing a great job! Keep on trucking...
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I can relate to this one alot. One of *my triggie's*, I think was, "I drink because you aren't here and I miss you". When he was with me it was "I drink because I miss my son". When we were all together it was " I drink because I want too and I enjoy it". It never really struck me before how that made me feel when I was told that. I was hurt and made me feel like his drinking was in part my fault. I know now that it wasn't my fault.
Any ESH on this? Now I feel guilty but why should I? I don't hate him at all... he is the love of my life! (Heidi wrote this)
I understand this *THANK YOU*! In mind that "hate" is a negative word a bad word if you will. I try and keep things more possitive these days. Changed the way I was doing things in my life and it helped had to take sometime away from anything that made me feel less then whole in my mind. Didn't change the way I feel about him. Just made me figure out a way to handle me better. So I could face all I had to face in the world starting with me. I may have missed alot of things, but the person I am becoming since on this journey is the person I have always aspired to be. Great topic thanks for sharing it. I wish you luck and lots of love on your journey. Take want you want leave the rest.
You have already recieved such good answers, there's nothing to add except to let you know that you are in my prayers.. It doesn't matter what you do or don't do, the A always seems to be able to turn it around so the blame isn't on him or her. Remember the 3 C's! You're doing great, keep up the good work, you have nothing to feel guilty about. With Love, TLC
I've started to make a conscious effort not to be drawn in, not to react to his arguing. It feels odd I must admit, but it is actually working!
Because I do not react as I used to to his comments, he has told me that he thinks I do not love him anymore, that I am very distant. And probably because I am going to meetings more and the local gym, he now thinks I'm having an affair!!LOL. It was hard to keep a straight face when he accused me of this!
Great answers here, and I've learned a lot. And as for feeling guilty, I feel that too. I think it's automatic in me. It's how I learned to react a long time ago. I have to keep the focus constantly on the positive.
I agree with Christy's words so much, and hold on to them. You are doing a very loving thing for you both.
Never feel guilty about doing what is good and healthy for yourself. That's part of our sickness. Yes playing the victim is part of their disease too. You know: "poor me, I have to go out and drink because.... . Comes with the territory.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
P.S. Send the snow this way please!
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
. Comes with the territory.
