Dear Maresie,

I always see a lot of myself in your posts.  Except you seem to be way ahead of me in recovery.  But I will get there.

It was quite an eyeopener for  me to see an article awhile ago specifically targeted at managers who had employees  who were ACOA's.  It seems that because of our childhoods we really want approval of authority figures, but we are also afraid of authority figures or something like that.  Maybe I will try to google later and come up with it.  Anyway, it talked about what hard workers we were to get that approval and that we often could be counted on to pick up the slack for others who weren't doing their share.  I was floored by everything the article said.  It was a real eyeopener. 

 I saw this phenomenon  as an observer with one of my friends from college.  After college, she and her friend  were both nurses who both came from dysfunctional families; both  worked at a teaching hospital on the same floor.  My friend worked the 7-3 shift and her friend worked 3-11.  They were the only RNs on the floor and there were 32 med surg patients.  They had only nursing assistants to help them.  I am not a nurse, but my understanding from them was that this was way too much of a caseload for one RN-no matter how good she was.

   They both kept insisting they needed more help.  After 5 years they were both burned out and quit.  Both of them were replaced by 2 nurses each.  Obviously the hospital save a lot of money during the time my friend and her friend did the workload alone.  Neither of them has working nursing full time since, partly I am sure because they each have children of their own, but also I am sure because they  had smartened up and/or couldn't be sure they would not be taken advantage of.  They learned to be very choosy about their subsequent jobs.

ACOA's seek approval and will be loyal in the face of evidence that they shouldn't be.  I know this is true for me.  I have had jobs that always gave me a good deal of  personal satisfaction.

I very much liked my many years working with developmentally disabled adults who were now living in the community.  Most had been put away by their families at birth or soon after and had been raised at state hospitals.  They  were very unique individuals and as they say,  in working with them, I got a lot more back than a paycheck.  They were all individuals of course, some I liked, some I didn't, but I respected them all.  And they were very enthusiastic about their new lives in the community and of course did not miss the state institutions.  Except of course they missed friends and some of the workers who had been good to them.  Of course  at that place like so many others, there were people who either had no work ethic or for some other reason or another did not pull their load.  I did pick up their slack, so my clients wouldn't suffer.

When I worked with women who were survivors of domestic violence and others who were survivors of sexual assault, I rarely saw anyone who did not do their work.  One of the secrets here I figured out after I became a mother myself.   All moms know if they don't do their work, it will be there for them later or someone else will have to do it.  Most of these women I worked with were moms and were very conscientious about doing their share and more. 

I burned out at that job. The  tales of pain and suffering, about physical violence and rape of women and children day in and day out, ultimately became too much for me.

 I was drastically underpaid  too of course and overworked at times.  I could not see my options at the time or was afraid.  I worked myself right to the point where I had to quit precipitously and to  where I still  cannot hold a job today and do not forsee being able to do so in the near future.  But who knows?  I am doing as they say, the most important job I'll ever do:  I am raising my daughter.  It is also as they say the toughest job I ever loved.  I have to agree with Jackie Kennedy who said something about if you mess up your children, it doesn't matter what else you do, it just doesn't matter. 

We don't  have a society that really allows parents to focus primarily on their children.  I have made a lot of  financial sacrifices and endured much physical pain after my daughter was born to care for her, I had no family to help me.  And now I  have a lot of emotional issues that arise when I try not to let my ACOA background prevent me from making  wise decisions about my daughter or my life in general . 

But it has also been healing to try to give her emotionally what I never got. I understand how hard it was for my parents and I am sorry they didn't get to experience the joys of being a parent as much as I do.  But maybe if one of their grandchildren is raised with love and without addiction, their lives will have meant a lot more.  I know I am grateful and heartened to to have this chance to love and cherish my very wonderful little girl.

Please take care of yourself, Maresie.  If you don't who else will.  Thanks as always for making me think about what I am doing and how I am doing it.  Special thanks for your previous post about Thanksgiving.  Even after all these years, I would have gone on unconsciously building fear and stress about the holidays, but your post made me figure out how to take care of myself and I am grateful.

peace and love,

Athena