The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
In Jan. of 2004, my drunk AH and I were in our home, he became belligerant, and gesturing his arms around wildly, and hit me in the nose. What followed is greater than my greatest nightmare ever was.
I already have PTSSD, so everything was magnified. I wtnt o his mother's who took me to the police. I filed charges. Restraining order. He lost his guns and hunting rights due to domestic violence charge. We were apart almost 4 months. He lived with his alcoholic couple friends during that time. It was horrible. He came back home after the order was up, because I asked him to. In Dec. 2005 year he began to be verbally abusive to my daughter on the phone, so she called the cops, they show up at our house to arrest him for probation violation. He was gone 7 weeks that time. I used that time to get into Alanon, and have been here ever since.
I just don't think I will ever get over the pain and sorrow and devestation this disease causes. Everything that happens, the PTSSD kicks in and I become almost hysterical over the stuff.
I saw a paper in his truck where he was ordered to "Batterer's Intervention Program, after all this time. And has to go to 2, 8 week sets of classes from 6-9 on Wednesday nights. I think it starts in November. He never said anything to me about it, but I feel like he's holding in the anger from it.
The latest thing was, he ordered a really neat, comfy camo sweatshirt type jacket. It was so soft and warm, and smelled like him, so I liked wearing it. I have only worn it a couple of times. I got home with it on the night before last, and he was mad that some guy at his work had "stolen" his sweatshirt and was wearing it. Didn't say anything to me about wearing his jacket. Yesterday I got up to leave for work, and couldn't find the jacket. I asked him about it last night "Oh, I guess you don't want me to wear your jacket. Sorry, you could have just said something." I thought he had hidden it. This was while we were eating out, having had a good time shopping for Halloween Costumes for the parties we are going to this weekend. He didn't act upset at all then.
I wrote him a note and left it by the coffee pot this morning that said "Sorry about the jacket. The only reason I wore it, was because when I had it on it felt cozy to me, like having your arms around me. You didn't have to hide it from me, you could have just told me. Love, your wife"
His note back "You took my guns and hunting rights away from me. I don't need camo. I didn't hide it. I took it out and poured gas on it and burned it."
I immediately started crying, my heart was beating so hard. That is so insane. I feel sick. I know it was his jacket, and he could do whatever he wanted to with it. Everytime this disease rears its ugly head, I get this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. The insanity just never ever ends. I feel like even when I am working my program, something else is shoveling me downward faster than I can shovel upwards, and someday I will be buried.
I love my husband. I don't want a divorce. Please keep me in your prayers, and him too.
He's angry because he is having to take the consequences of his actions, and he doesn't like it (and, probably, he's angry just because he's an alcoholic - it seems sometimes that they have only one response to any emotion - anger) This is not your fault. You didn't make him behave badly, and it is not your job to shield him from consequences. In fact, as someone who loves him, it is your job to NOT shield him. This disease will kill him eventually, unless he sobers up. He will never choose sobriety so long as he doesn't have to pay the price of his actions.
Your situation is heartbreaking - he sounds a lot like my husband used to be. Please take care of yourself, keep yourself safe. He's a big boy, he can take care of himself.
Becky, dear, I'm concerned for your safety now. If he took something that you wore (of his), and burned it, I'm concerned of what he'll do to you. I'm concerned of what he thinks of you. If he became SO ANGRY at the fact that you borrowed his sweatshirt/fleece, what would happen if you made a genuine mistake?
I am so sorry, but I really want to remind you that this is not your fault. You did nothing to start this going. I really agree with Lin on this one. When my AW does things like this (and she does) it is not really me she is angry with, it's herself.
My ASon does things like this as well. He got behind in his payments on his truck (which I cosigned.) So I told him that until he made it right, he couldn't have it. So he tore the dash all apart to get "his" radio out of "my" truck.
He was yelling at me, but just mad at himself for the spot he was in.
Guilt on top of guilt is what I see driving my family to do weird things.
Looking at this from the outside, it is obvious self-pity that made him turn on the torch. Do be careful and protect yourself however you need to.
Glad you came here with this. I bet it is pretty common.
Take care of you!
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
All I can is that I am praying for you. You deserve to be happy and I hope you somehow find some peace in the midst of the horrific effects of your huband's disease. Please take care of yourself and stay safe. You are such a good person and I am just so so sorry this is happening to you.
I am so sorry this happened. You showed in your letter to him that you are really loving and just trying to explain why you wore the jacket. I always have to remind myself that it is not ME, it is the disease. We get so tired of fighting the disease, (some people say dancing with the disease but I see it rather as a fight). Surrender him to his HP, know that he is in HP's hands, and do something to make you happy. Can you go away for a while?
All I have been doing lately is keeping busy, and I feel much better. It was a huge step to get away from him, but I need this right now, and he needs to be alone to look in the mirror possibly at his disease and him.
My prayers are with you and your family, Becky. Please take care of yourself and don't feel bad. You didn't do anything wrong.
Thanks for the wishes and prayers, everyone. I am not afraid of him, he is not a fighter, have never seen him fight anyone. The only time he did was years ago, when we were together the first time, we both were hitting each other. It was awful. And in Jan. 2005, that incident was an accident. He was yelling and gesturing, but I was not afraid, and his fingers just grazed the bridge of my nose, which gave me a nosebleed, and I freaked out. Not to say his behavior was right, but it was an accident.
Today, I have just been so angry at the alcoholism. For the things it has taken from me, from my family. I have been near tears all day. Eyes well up, then I get a grip on myself. It was hard to go to work this morning, I was so upset and angry. I just hate the stupidity of it all. The insane way alcohol makes people behave and live. How it destroys lives, and hope, and love.
I was so mad this morning, I called him at work. I wrote a post about it a few minutes ago called "Anger at Alcohol" or something like that. I'm getting really outspoken, since I have been off the antidepressants. I don't know if I need to go back on them or not. I sure feel sad, but I think under the circumstances, anyone would. So, I'm having trouble knowing what is normal sadness, and what is depression. I know I want to just break down and cry a lot. But I think a lot of that is justifiable emotions. I don't know. I know my heart is broken, and hurts a lot.
Thanks everyone for your help and prayers. Love you all. I am trying my best to take care of myself. I do that by coming here, by learning. It's all a process, and like any kind of therapy, recovery hurts a little. Peeling off layers and layers and years of pain and sorrow. Hopefully, underneath, someday, I can find a shiny new me.
It was awful. And in Jan. 2005, that incident was an accident. He was yelling and gesturing, but I was not afraid, and his fingers just grazed the bridge of my nose, which gave me a nosebleed, and I freaked out. Not to say his behavior was right, but it was an accident.