The material presented
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I went away with my a this past weekend to a beach house. just the two of us. He knows when we do things like that there is no point in him drinking, coz if he does there is no point in us having a romantic weekend. And it was beautiful.
He used to drink all the time, thinking it was his only enjoyment.
These days, he knows that when we do things with my family or friends he is to stay sober, and when we do things with his family or friends he can do as he pleases.He is guaranteed to be totally drunk at all of those events!but i dont care when its his side.
And my family hasnt seen him drunk in over a year...so that is quite nice.His mum on the other hand, gets to see him regularly drunk.(lucky her)
But i think this is the only way to somehow keep the peace between the 2 of us.he feels like he is still able to drink so he doesnt get angry at me.
He tells me he doesnt have a problem with drinking anymore, because he doesnt do it all the time. i must admit, most weeks he only drinks 2 or 3 nights and he definately cant drink the amounts he used to...but i am not stupid. There are some weeks when we fight that he will decide to drink everynight, probably just to teach me a lesson.
So i am not dilusional, but i think i am grateful that it isnt an every day battle...just a battle every second or third day.(lol)
I look at times like the past weekend we just had, and we do manage to have them more and more often these days and i have the hope that if we cant have him totally quit drinking...is it reasonable to expect this to maybe stay as it is....or does this type of thing always lead to a progressively worse situation????
I'm so glad you had a nice weekend away. It sounds idylic.
As you quite rightly say you are not stupid, and you already know this disease is progressive. Some As get to the stage where they cannot consume as much as before. The body is unable to take it.
My Abf drinks every few weeks. When he does he disappears for a couple of days with his drinking buddies. I used to go crazy with upset, worry , all the usual.
Now I know I am powerless. I've stopped trying to control or anticipate what he is going to do. I was just wasting my own time and energy. These days I focus on myself and try to do what I like. I've even joined a gym!
Do something for yourself this weekend arty, something you really enjoy. You deserve to look after yourself.
It took me ages to realise what I liked to do. I spent years centering my life around him. I would even arrange things so I would be in the house (maybe i could stop him going out drinking!!!). This was my chaos. My crazy living.
I realised eventually that he was going to do what he was going to do regardless of what I said or did. But, boy did it take me a long time to grasp this! In the end I knew I had to start looking after myself. I was quite depressed at the time.
I started to walk. I walked for one hour every day, for six months. I lost weight and got healthier. I started to take more care of myself in general, diet and little beauty treatments. Just little things. The walking helped me to see. It was a chance to think and gain a better perspective.
I've had slips since and am now in a relationship with a differentA. But overall I'm getting better.
I've tried art (You must be good at art!!), exercise, baking, babysitting, and so much more. Just to try and figure out what I like to do.
I am from an Afamily. My father is an A, and I suppose I grew up with low self worth and a lot of confusion. It can take years to unravel, but it can be done.
The way AA explains the concept of consequences to newcomers is something like this: "I didn't always get in trouble when I was drinking. But EVERY TIME I was in trouble, I had ALWAYS been drinking."
Perhaps that might give your husband some perspective?
No, it doesn't always get worse. I wrote just yesterday about how he changed when my attitude changed, when I learned to detatch. Around that time, I asked him if he had ever just come home and had a beer after work to relax. He said, no, never. I told him I wouldn't mind if he just did that. (sounds like you are about at that stage). He is willing to give up the drinking with your family, etc. We did well for a few years like that. I don't mean the binges stopped altogether, but they got farther and farther apart. I could see him really trying, sometimes, really struggling.
I think it depends on the individual. My A is very stubborn, and when he sets his mind on something, he usually carries it through. We were in a bad traffic accident our 1st year together, and the docs all said he would never walk again. He is not only walking, (with a limp, but so what?), he went back to work on his lobster boat! He does as much and more than some. I guess it's sheer willpower.
He has definately had some slips, last summer, was a hard one for me, but... the last binge he was on, he got really really sick, maybe thought he would die. When he came home,(I won't let him near me when he's drunk), he totally stopped drinking! Today, he is still sober so far, he went away with 2 guys for a few days, and I know they are drinking. If he comes home sober, I will be so shocked and PROUD, but I'm not holding my breath!! I have learned to not get my hopes up too much, but I have never stopped having a little twinkle of hope.
Now, I'm not not saying the beer after work was a total success, he ALWAYS had at least one, and last summer, it was getting more and more often that he drank from 6-8 until that last binge. Just before that last binge, I had told him I was getting worried about his health with the increased amount of beer . I just said it in a normal tone, and left it at that, (maybe the power of suggestion??) maybe the power of HP?
Anyway, that is my experience only! Take what you need, and leave the rest.With Love and prayers, TLC
