The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
i was dealing pretty good with my hub an A. Was going back to school, figured if he works out his end, we' d have a good life. He increasely drank more each year of 18 years together. 2 kids. 2 dogs. Last 2 weeks I found out he cheated on me. He was so drunk & telling someone on the phone about his affair, explicit & loud enought for kids & me to hear. One hates him & the other doesn't want to be left alone with him. Since I found out, can't sleep, can't, eat, cant study. I'm going thru the motions with the kids, got legal drugs, got counsling, but still can't sleep. I can't keep it together for the kids anymore, falling apart. i know if i could just sleep & eat, things would not be any less painful, but would have a better mind. I just want my mind to shut off, but i can't seem to do it, when I take the drugs, then i can't study. help, i've never been this lost, have no where to go, want to get into nursing, but can't function anymore.
Things will get better. Maybe if you try to sleep just a little and eat just a tiny bit you will gain some strength. Remember you are a child of God or hp and sometimes things we go through are really hard,but their outcome is greater later. I know this from experience. I have been through hell,but just always know that their is pure sunshine after the storm. I wil keep you in my prayers.
Lauren
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~life is like a box of chocolates you never know whatcha gonna get~
Please keep posting and talk to your doctor about the prescribed medications. You may be on the wrong kind. Is there any way that you can get away from it all for awhile? Is there someone to take care of your children for a couple of days? I know your one son is old enough to take care of himself but maybe a family member could help out with the younger one. Maybe just getting away from the situation would help you to sleep a little.
Try to keep the focus on you...your health. I am glad you are still doing the nursing thing. It will give you an out one day if you want it. Living with this disease is so crazy. I am keeping you and your family in my prayers.
Here's where you need to apply "first things first." What you are going thru is life altering, how it is going to alter your life is up to you. No one wants to have to feel the pain that is involved in something like this, we'd rather just skip that part and move to the next part which is rebuilding/healing. Only there is no way around it, so let yourself grieve.
If you need to take time from school to work thru this, it's okay. Your educational goal can still be met, this is just a postponement. School will still be there and you can still achieve your goal. Be easy on yourself and use this time to figure out what it is you need to do for you.
For me I made a list of all the things I can do, not a list of things "I can't do because of..." Ask yourself question about what it is you can live with and can't live with. You didn't say whether your A knows that you know -- have you approached him on this?
Take it slow, but keep moving forward. Though it is hard to believe, there is light at the end of this tunnel. There is healing and growth. You will make it. And the day will come when you look back and wonder how you did it -- but you did it. Just keep moving forward one step at a time. Lean on your HP and all of us here. Post or journal your feelings -- you've got support here.
I have found that when I'm in a situation that feels too big for me to handle, I have to take a deep breath, and concentrate on taking care of me! I have to take the concentration off of my A. No matter how much I hurt, how much I try, I can't change him, the only one I can change is ME.
It's a really terrible thing that your children overheard what he said. Do they attend Ala-teen or Alanon? It might be a good idea for them.
I have found that when my A is really drunk, for some reason, he wants to lash out at me and hurt me as much as he can. He used to tell me all kinds of lies to make him look good, in his alcoholic haze of a mind. My personal feeling is that he feels so low for what he is doing, that he wants me to look lower. Once I figured that out, it was easier for me to cope with the things he said and did. Maybe he cheated on you, maybe he didn't... Maybe it was just his way of lashing out, trying to hurt you, and not even realizing the kids were there, or in that alcoholic moment, not even caring. Possibly, he doesn't even remember a thing he said!
I have found that my A is ywo very different people in one body. One person is the man I love and who loves me, the other side is the monster! When the monster is let loose, I try to make sure it is no-where near me. My main boundary is that he is not to drink anywhere near me. If he calls, I hang up, if I can't get him to leave, as much as I hate it, (this is my house), to obtain peace of mind and my sanity, I leave. I haven't left the last few times, because I hate thinking that he is in my expensive new bed that I paid for, and he is probably peeing in! Last time, I told him HE wouldn't let the other guy sleep in our bed, why should I? He wouldn't let that other guy in this house, why should I? I feel I was being kind in letting him even sleep in the camper!! Let me tell you, I will never use it again!!
Don't let the monster win over you, take care of you, and those great kids of yours! Maybe make counselling available for them?
