The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husband and I don't always see eye to eye on how to work with our 22 year old alcoholic daughter. (She is 30 plus days sober in a rehab facility, grateful for that!)
I lived for 8 years with an A (my daughter's father, go figure) before leaving and marrying my current husband, not an A. I'm further along in understanding the power of the disease than my current husband, a bit more realistic. He tends to be "soft" with her, more of an enabler. I tend to be tougher with her, and not as good as a listener, more of a controller. We all have our issues..
We see a therapist to try to come to common ground, and make united decisions. That helps. He has starting to attend alanon, a good start. We have a strong marriage. We want to keep it that way :)
Any thoughts on common ground? Any married couples out there attending Alanon - do you go to meetings together or seperate?
We both agree that we want to send a strong and united message to our daughter, but it's tough..parenting is a humbling job at best, and we still have some to do until our A gets on her feet and gains more maturity.
I think it's a nice idea that you want to present a "united front" to your daughter, to show her how you feel about her disease and things like that. But there's and old saying in the rooms, "work your own program." Ultimately, we each come to enlightenment on our own time. Trying to force solutions onto to other people, or trying to expect other people to see our prospective before they are ready is "round peg square hole:" everyone comes out miserable, resentful, upset and hurt. Setting an example of how using the program in all your affairs, in your relationship with your daughter, in terms of her disease might be the best path: when your husband sees how al anon has brought you to serenity and how the solutions the program has offered you have brought you to mental and emotional stability, perhaps he, too, will stand with you on these things.
This is not to say he will be "Soft" forever--you mentioned you are in family therapy. This is a safe place to share your frustrations about his "soft-ness". Time changes people; it heals people. Give time time. Give him a chance. You loved him enough to marry him.
I am so glad that your husband is willing to work with you. I didn't have that with my current husband. My daughter was my problem and he was hands off.
IMHO - I found that setting a realistic boundary with my daughter (she was not allowed in my house drunk, high or hung over - and I would not talk with her if she was high, drunk or hungover - and I would no longer tolerate any abuse from her).
My daughter used my boundary as a threat to dis-own me, so there was a long period of time when I didn't know where my daughter was, what she was doing, etc. I had no way to get in touch with her - and she didn't contact me.
It took a period of time before my daughter and I began to talk again. I reminded her of my boundary when she wanted to come and visit. I saw that she respected my boundary. She's now 24, living with us while she completes her college degree.
I am thankful for each day that she's clean and sober - yet at the same time I quietly wait fo the other shoe to drop.
