The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
What happens when you just feel through, but not ready to make the change yet? I have been escaping AH all last week and feeling good, doing my own thing. He still drinks horribly after 3 days of sobriety, usually beginning Monday, then drinks Wed or Thurs until Sunday. His eyes are turning yellow. He is working and going to his job at least, I am grateful. We don't fight anymore because I don't mention drinking (the only topic he hates), I am learning to detach pretty well.
He mentioned Saturday night when he was buzzed, that he needed to shut the drinking down, so I was prepared. I had some AA guy's numbers to come over and 12 step him if he agreed. He did agree. The next morning one guy came over and I am praying that they made a connection. I left the house, took care of myself, did some things I needed to do while they talked.
AH did call me and said the meeting went well, but that he was planning on quitting Oct. 31, and that he had told the guy he would attend a meeting with him after that date. AH then did not come until 11 p.m., drunker then ever on a Sunday work night.
I have done all that I can do. I am truly powerless. This 12 step situation was kind of good I think, but he still seems angry and not really ready. I don't like to even talk to him (even when sober) because it isn't the same anymore. There is a big wedge between our relationship. He sounds arrogant and like he is just okay. I am not. It is hard to not sound really really just disgusted with this whole thing.
He has done everything practicing As do that has been horrifying this year. Lost his job, almost lost his car, possibly cheated (still don't know), lost most of his friends, took $100 from his own daughter to pay someone to tow her car and spent it, still hasn't paid her back. Owes me tons of money because I had to keep up the house payment myself without his help.
I know it is a disease and I know he has to hit his bottom, but I am so tired of even seeing him right now. How can you hide the dissappointed with them? I want to be home, I want things to be the way they were, but they just aren't. I've changed a lot. I'm not mad, just kind of blah. Whatever happens, happens, nothing will shock me anymore.
I am not encouraged with this 12 step call really, and I should be grateful that it happened. All I can do is pray. He is so stubborn and angry, it just feels like he is not ready to totally give up.
Maybe I am totally ready to give up???!!!
Thanks for being here, everyone... you truly teach me so so much.
Sounds to me like you're burnt out. I know that feeling. I was tired of the AH relapsing, attending meetings while still drinking, tired, tired, tired. I eventually snapped out of it. The best thing I did was to drag myself to a meeting even when I didn't feel like it. Kind of like working out when you don't feel like it. But you feel a bit better after you did. Take it slow. Hang in there. Remember your recovery is about you. His recovery or not is his.
Be extra good to yourself during these times. It's important. Love and blessings to you.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I am so sorry that you are feeling the way you do.. I dont have any words of wisdom just lots of HUGS, big EARS, and a nice SHOULDER !! :) You are such a wonderful person and dont deserve this ..You are caring and even though are struggling yourself ALWAYS take time to listen to a friend and offer kind words..
You sound like you are getting out from under and doing things... but are you getting quality time with yourself when you do? I still don't think I know how to do that. If I get away, I take my baggage with me. I am trying to stop doing that, but it's hard.
You are definitely being sweet and trying to take every advantage of oportunities to show him the bridge. But you can't take him someplace he can't see. He has to find it on his own. My ASober Dad drilled that into our heads this weekend.
Do something extra nice and relaxing for yourself. With any luck you are better at it than me. LOL
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Sweetheart, it's time to look after yourself. I know you want it all back to normal and everyone happy, but sadly, we can only make our own choices. I know the As "choices" often mean that we can't have the happy life with them that we would like. And we deserve to have a happy life, of course we do.
You are changing Heidi. Thats clear in your post. And this changing is growth for you. Your way forward. Have you put your situation into HP hands, and trust. I have been doing this and find great comfort from it.
As you and I both know, theA is going to do whatever he wants regardless of our feelings.
If he is is ging to find sobriety, he will do it with or without us. His choice.
We didn't cause it, we can't control it and we can't change it....sometimes I need reminding of these words.
Oh God! I remember those days! He would only semi-sober up long enough to drive to town to get more Vodka. We fished in the winter, and had the summer off. I hated summer!
I'm so sad you are going through this! Do you suppose any of these A's will ever realize what a treasure they have in their spouse who puts up with so much?
Good to see you are working on detatching and going on with your life. Sometimes that's all we can do to save our sanity! That's when things really started changing for the better for me. You've probably read this a 1,000. times, I think I've posted it that many, lol!
I had actually got to the point that I didn't care if he drank or not, I was going to go on with my life. My attitude changed, and I think he was afraid I would go on with my life without him. Up until that point, we were together 24 hours a day, seven days a week. (we worked together too). I had let myself get so wrapped up in his life, that I had no life of my own. It was around that time that he really cut back on the drinking. Gradually, very gradually, he has cut back more and more.Maybe if he had had a program, it would have happened faster, but there is no way he would ever go to AA.
Anyhow, maybe he has noticed the change in you, and it has got him thinking that he really doesn't want to lose you?? Who knows, eh? Praying for you, dear lady, in whatever you decide to do. Take care of You! Love, TLC
