The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today is a new day and I will thank my HP for that.. I have been struggling with this seperation with days of feeling I can not do this.. My husband is still living in the camper and has been sober 6 weeks with the exception of the one night he drank on the anniversery of his mothers death. I have been really trying to focus on me but I must say I am struggling.. A LOT !! Crying nearly everyday and then getting upset that I cant turn off the tears..
Last night I went to a Celebrate Recovery Meeting and it was really good. In our small group there was a woman who admitted she struggles with relationship addiction and explained how she felt that she couldnt function without her husband. Well, it hit me hard.. I know that right now this isnt a good relationship for me yet, I cant move forward .. I went into this thinking that I was just co dependent trying to "fix" everyone and blaming my a husband for ALL of our marriage problems. During the last 6 weeks I have realized that MY behaviors did just as much damage to our marriage as his drinking did. It was so much easier blaming him and his drinking for everything and has been really hard admitting my shortcomings. Now last night I realized that I am not alone that there are other people addicted to their husbands as well. Next week I will admit that I am struggle with codependency and relationship addiction. This has really been a eye opening painful 6 weeks. Just when i think i am all cried out more just flow....
Taking one day at a time and that is okay with me :)
I used to think all of our problems came from his drinking. I am now slowly and painfully am realising that I have my shortcomings. I have to accept my own blame too. I used to think I was in control, but I was just very controlling instead.
One day at a time Tammy, sending you love and prayers AM
I am so glad we have this safe place to put our feelings and our fears out there. You and I are polar oposites.... and not. I get upset that I am mr. calm and cool on most issues. Others tend to see that as I don't care.
I believe (and this is just me) in order to put everything you have into a relationship, you first need to be comfortable with the fact that you could do without. I really see that in my AW. She doesn't have the self confidence to say, if I really can't make this (whatever) work... so what, I will be ok anyway.
I think the drinking has made that worse, but she was like that 18 years ago. I was talking with a mutual friend last night and told him that many of the things we do for fun, I plan to specifically help her and the kids to see that they can do anything. And they can. It is amazing what she has done for herself over the years.
Let me just say that you can do it. I mean anything! It's not a trick. Knowing now what it takes to ask the one you love to leave because you deserve to lead a healthy happy life.... you have what it takes to do anything. Don't ever doubt that.
I have been through many things in my life and this was by far the hardest thing I have ever done. Because I love her, and what I am doing does not help her to understand that.
It is great to be so honest with yourself and see new things to work on to help you be healthier. That's not a weakness, that's a great strength!
Hang in there! You can do anything you and your HP decide is right. I really believe that.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
That was a painful lesson for me - that my behaviors were causing as much chaos in the household as the active drinking/using. Especially to our daughters. But through the healing of working the steps, I learned that I did the best I could with what I had.
Now, I live a different way. I show our daughters, who are all adults and some of them have children of their own, a different way to live. Some of them embrace that way, some of them don't. Yet. With hope, I say "Yet"
For there are many chairs in our rooms of recovery - someone saved one for me, they saved one for you, and prayerfully there will be one for my daughters that need it when it is there time.
Give yourself the love and understanding that You did the best you could with what you had and you are learning a better way - The best way you can - One day at a time.
Progress not Perfection,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I too was addicted to my alcoholic husband. When he sneezed the sound came from my nose. I was so far up his butt I tried to even think his thoughts for him.
I really struggled when I finally had the courage to leave the abusive situation. I spent alot of time here on the board, in chat and at f2f meetings. Listening, learning, leaning, sharing.
On my way home ( to a hotel) from work I would drive by where my husband lived and look in the windows. Once I even took a pizza and slid it in the door (it had a chain on it)
I am blessed with a best friend who I met here on the board and when we chatted she would ask me about my day and I told her of my stalking.
She helped me see the obsession in it and I slowly and steadily cut down and then eliminated checking on him. It was hard. Such a strong habit. 14 years of it.
I love the awareness of my part in the chaos that was my life because for me awareness = action and my life is so much better than the day I crawled here and wished I was dead.
In support
Megan
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Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
I am so glad you are attending meetings. It is so important when we feel like you are feeling, like the world is going to end. AND you are posting.
Dear friend, this will pass, you will get stronger and stronger. I find that people are laughing sometimes at these meetings and I REALLY need that! Instead of isolating and staying at home dwelling on how miserable things are, I have been stepping out and doing things and boy is it a big huge change. I just have to keep it up.
Call me anytime, crying or not!!!! I am here for you, we all are. You are a caring, loving person and this is a tough time for you. Just know that this time your husband can take to take a look at himself and take care of his recovery, and you can also. It is better to be in a healthy relationship, and when things seemingly fall apart, you can take this time to take care of yourselves and then come together even better!!!!
