The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Since that awful time my AH and I had last month, my innards are finally calming down thanks to a lot of help through the program. And this site was steering the boat for me. :) This place is beautiful. My nerves were killing me and a day felt like a year. Coming here several times a day helped so much. So now I get out the house more and more, spend a lot of time visiting my kids via the telephone and my mom and I "hang out" - she's a young 80 yr. old and is my friend. Since we both are alone, we often cook for each other which is nice.(Those TV dinners were all starting to taste alike). Coming home to a hollow,empty house was no fun but now I'm liking it because I'm out doing things (besides going to work) more. I had started talking to my A again a little bit but then he started to call me which surprised me. It was mostly about our kids, one of whom was running into a bit of a money crunch. Then I noticed after a while that he started out talking about the kids but would lead into some other general topic. On Saturday morning he appeared at my door which was a real surprise. He wanted to talk about something we'd already talked about but he's always repeated himself a hundred times ever since I met him. Then he asked if he could have coffee which I fixed. We were both very nice and did not bring up one thing about the nasty exchange we'd had. I got the feeling that he was testing the waters. He stayed maybe an hour or so and then said he'd catch up with me later. He came over again yesterday for a while and asked if he could have coffee again and leave a piece of equipment in the basement. Then took my garbage out! Then he called 2 more times during the day. Then again 2 times today. I wouldn't say he's trying to find a way to move back (if that were to happen at all, it ain't happening for a long time), but it seemed like he was,excuse my French, 'pissin' on the fire hydrant' (I know. That wasn't French) - marking his territory. I would say the dust has definitely settled BUT for the first time I am truly finding out about me and how to deal in the world after all the murkiness (to put it mildly) of living with an alcoholic. Screaming at him and being separated has been a blessing in disguise for me. For once I truly, truly see the part I have played in this saga and the effect that growing up in an alcoholic home has had on me. There's an Al-Anon book called Courage to Change which I read over and over. To be honest, when my kids & I were dealing with my A when he was active, I could not fully take the focus off him no matter how many books I read or meetings I went to (I quit meetings a long time ago but started back). I could never go take a nice walk and have it mean anything while he was passed out slobbering,disqustingly drunk on the couch (or floor). And when he'd obey my rule of not staying in the house while drunk, I'd keep things in routine with my kids, talk to them,educate them and reassure them but it was hard as hell. My stomach stayed in a knot and my neck muscles were hard as rocks. I think I did a good job with the kids though and they know they can talk to me without me bashing their Dad. However, it is my time now. Me, myself and I. Lights are coming on. I can see the good man in my AH but I also know the trickery of the disease and how it can mess with you. It's funny how now that there are no kids in the house and he hasn't had a drink in a long time, we each tore off to meetings recently like bats outta hell! Couldn't do it before and have it sink in - just scratched the surface. I am finally understanding how it's all up to me to change me, how do deal with the things in my life from dysfunctional siblings, unpleasant co-workers and nasty waitresses at a local restaurant. There was a time when I would've let my A back in the house to stay by now to feel "normal" again but there's just no way I could do that now. I'm learning too much for that and this feels good. It's not all easy- I have slumps but I've had them all my life. It's just that it's not as hard to climb out of them now. It just feels good to feel good again. Keep the faith, baby.....jaja
Your post gives me hope.When my house is sold I will be separating from my AH (sober) of 36 years.If you have read any of my posts you know that we are separating because he has met someone online whom he thinks he loves.They break up and make up every other week.She gets mad at something he says, he gets mad because she isn't doing what he wants.They don't even live in the same state,it's ridiculous.
What you said about feeling 'normal' again.That is the clincher for me.Sometimes when they would have an argument he would say he was through with her and would ask about staying with me,if I would take him back.(keep in mind we still live together but it's pretty much as room mates.) At first it was very tempting to take him back.I was so willing to just let it all go and try to believe he really meant it.I think it's like you said, it just felt normal.It was so easy to just fall right back into that role.
The other thing is I know if he and she do not work out he will come right back here and start coming around like your husband is doing.I know he'll call and tell me about his life.
At this point I am NOT willing to take him back.The main reason for that is my growth in alanon.I now know that I have value and that I am worth more than this.I know I deserve better.I spent most of my life with him and it was all about him.I probably would never have left him on my own.But now it's too late.Now I want to give my love to someone who will appreciate it and treat me with the respect I deserve.Or if I don't find anyone(and even if I do) I'll give that love and respect to myself.
