Hi All,

My A and I had a wonderful fun time planned Saturday night, we went to see X-Treme fights, which I very much enjoy.  Somehow it turned all wrong, I became what I thought was angry and left and went to the car and we went home.  I said hurtful things and it has taken me two days to figure out what happened. He never said an angry word to me, he just listened to me and yesterday was loving and supportive so I wrote the following letter to my A.

>>>>>I don’t know where to begin….first let me say that I love you more then any man I have ever loved in my life.  When I say this to you, I feel like you don’t believe me, so I wanted to write it in words.

I have thought about Saturday night over and over again, I wanted to have such a good time with you.  I can’t explain what happened, anger came to the surface instead of hurt feelings, I started feeling very insecure and not good enough.  In all the years we have been together your comments about other women have never bothered me, but Saturday I started feeling like I will never be enough.  No matter what I do or say, or act, or wear, I will never look like the other women that catch your eye.  I started feeling like why are you out with me, why are you married to me, why would you want to be with me.

I am scared, I am scared that we will try to repair “us” and that I will end up trusting, believing, and then hurt.  I am scared that you will get tired of trying and then quit again.  I am scared that “we” will fall apart.  I am trying my hardest to live one day at a time, but I can’t help but wonder “what if”.

The last few months of the pain I have went through losing my mother is unbearable at times, please be patient, please try to understand, please see what I see.  The only person that was constant in my life, that I could count on no matter what, who loved me for who I am with no expectations is gone.  My whole life Mom was there for me, never judging me, never trying to figure out what was going on inside my head, just loving me because I’m me.

At times I feel that you want more than who I am.  I think sometimes you will wake up and just say…ya know what, you are not what I want, I want more, I want to be alone so I can hang out with friends, come and go when I want, and have no commitment to anyone but myself. 

I know your trying, I see it everyday, but it scares me because of the past, because of the hurt we both have inflicted on each other.  I want to start new I want to be with you not because I NEED to be with you but because I WANT to be with you.  I have dreams of us down the road playing with the grandkids, spending time together, with disagreements but not with fights.  I want to believe in us again.

I do love you with all of my heart; I want to be with you and only you.  I want to go out with you and have FUN……I am tired of being angry with you, I am tired of being scared, I am worn out from worrying.    Let’s find some middle ground, give me time to adjust, to grieve, try to understand that my life has changed so much in the last six months that it will take time for me to work though the mixture of all the emotions that I am feeling.