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Hi. I need help dealing with my brother. He is an alcoholic and a gambling addict. He is 33 years old. What I need help with today is that he is threatening me with suicide unless I give him money. I am wavering and may give it to him. So here's the background. In Feb. he moved in with a girlfriend who just got out of a marriage. They did not have a good relationship and she broke up with him in July. Only she didn't move out. She continued to be his roommate and started dating another guy. My brother still loves her and has been trying to get her back. So in July, August, September, Oct. he started serious online gambling as well as continuing drinking and binge drinking. He tried to get some help and was sober back in July for 45 days in an effort to win the exgirlfriend back. When that didn't work he went back to drinking and started gambling. He gambled away his whole entire paychecks for the month of September, has a $2500 deficit he owes the bank, which the bank is threatening legal action unless he pays it. So my brother decided he had enough of our city and decided to move back home with my mom and dad to "take care of them". He has a good job which is a blessing and at work he is fine. So he got a job transfer and is in the process of tying up loose ends here and will move up there Dec. 1. The exgirlfriend has found an apartment and will leave Nov. 15. In the meantime, my bro asked my dad to take over his finances (as he can no longer cash his check at the bank) So my dad did, and my dad gave him an allowance, paid his bills and is waiting for the next check to allocate. My bro spent all the allowance ($300) in one week, some of it for legitimate reasons. The exgirlfriend saw my brother scrounging for quarters in the couch for cigarettes and told him she would pay him the $220 she owes him for expenses on Friday. This was on thursday. Then she called me on Friday to ask if she should give him the cash. I said no. My brother made up this big lie about how my dad was expecting him to have the money for expenses blah blah. So I called my dad he said no it was a lie and not to give him the money. So my brother went ballistic. He said the exgirlfriend is the devil and is scamming us and that she is an emotional terrorist trying to maintain control over him etc. etc. This has been going on all weekend. This morning he called me and told me if he didn't have all of the money at his house by the time he got home he was going to commit suicide. He has a history of trying to manipulate people with suicide but I'm not sure that is what is going on. He is truly strung out, desperate and just a mess. I'm not sure what to do at this point. My dad talked to him yesterday and told him he still has $127 left over from his paycheck that he could have. All he had to do was give an accounting of where his allowance went. My brother is ignoring all of that and just focusing on what the exgirlfriend is doing to him. I have tried to get him to focus on what is really going on but I think he is really freaking out because we all took the control away from him, we are all on the same page, and his cash sources have dried up. I also think maybe he did something that he needs the $220 for right away. I'm not sure what to do. Do I tell the exgirlfriend to give him the $220? Do I have her give me the $220 to take the power away from her? Do I say no, he has to give me the accounting for the allowance first? I don't even want to be in the middle. My dad is 77 years old and can't handle this. Also, the exgirlfriend felt bad, bought him cigarettes and coffee so he had some and he said he wouldn't accept it only the cash and threw it back all over her stuff. Heeellllpppp!!!!
I am so sorry you are going through this. Welcome to MIP and your recovery.
Since I had to deal with this very thing in the past 24 hours I will tell you what I did. My AWife said to me and my older son that she was going to end her life. She was hysterical and very drunk.
I called 911. She has often in the past used a veriety of threats to control others and get what she wants... but, I just was not going to take a chance on her life.
The authorites worked with her made sure she had indeed not taken a bunch of pills, and the crisis intervention team worked with her throught the night.
Hope this helps, I know it is rough. This is a great resource and there are wonderful people here. If you have never been to an Al-anon meeting or read any literature, I highly recommend it.
Your brothers issues may never go away if he doesn't want to do anything about it. And this program can help YOU be sane.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I would just like to put my two cents worth in. My wife was talking to her sister awhile back, on the phone. Her sister abuses prescription drugs. She stated the family would be better off without her. My wife said to her "If you mention suicide to me again I will call 911 and you can explain to the EMT's and police that show up that you didn't mean it". Her sister has never brought the subject up again.
She was not contemplating suicide, just wanted sympathy, but after dealing with her for years my wife had had enough.
Welcome to the MIP family. Here you will find great experience, strength, hope, wisdom and a bit of humor (good for the ).
We do not tradionally give advice here. But when you are talking about suicide, I have called 911 in the past (a friend regularly threatened). You are in a tough position that's for sure. I am sorry you have to go through this. Enabling a person with their addiction is not a good thing. At some point they have to choices: to recover or not. You can't CONTROL It, You didn't CAUSE it, you can't CURE it. This is a corner stone of our recovery. To try and control his money or what he does with it, may not work. An addict is going to do what an addict is going to do. Nothing you can do about it.
Please find some local f2f (face-to-face) meetings in your area or join us online for ours. Come into the chat room. It is a very helpful place. Keep coming back to us.
Live strong,
Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
This is so much easier to write than it was to decide what I would do when I was in a similar situation earlier this year. After repeatedly hearing suicide talk from my A in the last year I have made the decision to call 911 if he mentions it again. I am not qualified to judge his intentions, nor am I willing to give in to his demands in order to placate him for a little while anymore.
I am really sorry you are going thru this. I understand your pain and confusion.
Thank you all for your help. My brother realized today how unstable he was and is thinking of checking himself into the hospital. I think half the battle is getting them to realize that they need help. Your posts and the online chat helped me to realize that even though we had read up on enabling and thought we were doing what was best, we were still enabling him. I am still afraid he may do something to harm himself but I know that I did everything I could and that it is out of my control. I just really feel bad for my dad who is 77 years old. This has wrecked him. And I told my brother that and that probably wasn't the smartest move. It's just that sometimes he only thinks about himself and what this is doing to him. He doesn't think about the heck my Dad and I have gone through this past weekend due to him. I don't know if it is ok to bring other people's feelings up but I am so sick and tired of it being all about him. Thanks again for your help!!
I am glad you are here. I hope you keep coming back. In the future, if your brother continues to behave this way, call the police. They are trained professionals who can help him help himself.
As for your parents, they are adults, they can voice their needs, make decisions and make boundries for themselves. They can set their lives on paths. They are not children. ((HUGS))
Susan u say u don't want to get in the middle , sounds like your already there . A's need enablers to continue doing what thier doing . and thats us . We believe the lies we bail them out of trouble again and again and again , always with a promise that they will never do it again. Until he is made responsible for his own mess nothing will change for him . He gets what he needs so no need to change.
Your not responsible for your brothers problems and it's not your job to fix them . keep the focus on your self . Louise
I hope your brother does get the help he needs. One other thing, you said that he only thinks of himself. That's what addicts do. They only think of what they need, that next fix. It sounds crazy, but love has nothing to do with it. I don't know how many times I told my AH "if you loved me, you'd stop drinking." Trust me, it didn't work. Addiction is selfish. Recovery is selfish too. It has to be. Your recovery has to be about you and for you. You must not loose yourself in his disease, regardless if he chooses recovery or not.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
It's called emotional blackmail...and you don't have to take it.
All you need to do is call 9-1-1.
FYI - my mother, brother and daughter have all attempted suicide. My brother attempted suicide more than once. Prior to each attempt there would be a threat of suicide. If I hadn't called 9-1-1, my mother, brother or daughter may have succeeded in killing themselves.
Forget the money - give the best gift of all - life.
). 