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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It has been a week and a half since my mother died and I can hardly let myself think about it let alone, feel anything besides numbness. I know in many ways I lost her a long time ago, first to my father's alcoholism and then to her severe depression that never left her for the rest of her life. I think while she was alive I still had hope that somehow, someway I would get her back again. That the mother who got me ready for school and was there before I was age 7, would someday come back to me. Well I must adjust. Alcoholism took my father when I was 8 and my mother followed shortly thereafter with her obsession in getting him to stop drinking. She became depressed and psychosis followed. And I only saw glimpses of "my mom" from that time on. I am grateful for those glimpses and that my mother and father were there before I was 8. I will have the memories of those times always. I just don't know what to do with the ugliness of the ten years that followed before I could flee. I was lucky enough to get a full scholarship to college and then put myself through lawschool. But it has been hard. My parents were proud of what I had done in some ways, but had other more mixed feelings about my successes and failures and those of my siblings.
Right now the only thing that helps is listening to songs like"Fathers and Sons" by Rod Stewart and "Goodbye My Lover" by James Blunt--only I substitute mother for lover.
I need to take care of myself and my little daughter. I need to let go of the pain and I need to be able to grieve for my parents and then let go.
Grief is so difficult. Probably by now you have heard "it will get better" from someone, and slowly it does. I can see by your post you are not only grieving the loss of your Mother, but the loss of hope that she would be what you needed her to be. I don't mean to sound uncaring at all, but the reality is that she was who she was. The 3 C's apply here also. We are powerless over other people and what they do. The pain you feel from childhood most likely would not have vanished had she later conformed to what you needed. You would still feel robbed, and you were. Have you ever considered counseling with someone that does Inner Child work? It does help. I know people that have made miraculous steps in their lives by seeking help and were then able to free themselves from carrying the childhood pain with them. You can then let go and focus on creating who you want and deserve to be.
As far as losing your Mother, "time heals" is a true statement. My experience is that we never really get over our losses. What seems to happen is we slowly adjust our lives as we work through the grief and we learn to live with the loss. It all takes time and there is no time limit.
Take Good Care, Christy
*edited to correct miniscule print.
-- Edited by Christy at 14:59, 2006-10-21
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I am right now mourning my mother's death LAST WEEK and grieving for my mother and what she could never give me in her obsession with my alcoholic father and then when she left us through her depression and psychosis.
I am well aware that I was abandoned emotionally at 8 and physically neglected from that point on. I have done a lot of "inner child" work. That doesn't change my grief now for myself and for my mother and for the life she never had because of alcoholism and mental illness.
My story and my mother's story ares a cautionary tale for myself and every parent right now living with an alcoholic spouse or partner. Everyone should ask him or her self, " Are you raising the "Adult Child of Alcoholic" OF TOMORROW?"
If so, make the choice to protect your children whatever it takes. Everyone has a very personal choice to make. I know others who have been raised in alcoholic families who blame their mothers for their fathers' drinking. I don't agree with that.
When I worked with survivors of domestic violence, many of those women who had adult children and were crushed and heartbroken to find out that that their ADULT children felt just as angry or angrier with THEM about the abuse. These women had often stayed with the abuser on the grounds that it was " better for the children." I won't judge anyone's decision; we all make choices and have to live them. Violence is never the fault of the victim's. By the same token, Physical and emotional abuse are never the fault of the child in a dysfunctional family.
I am grateful my mother never tried to justify herself with the excuse that she was "staying for the children." She was in denial about my father's alcoholism, but she never tried to hide behind her chidlren as an excuse to stay. I am in awe of her courage and honesty that way and hope I can do her proud in the same way.
I pledge to speak out for my "inner child" who endured much suffering. I AM an adult now and I will take care of myself though. I will also never abandon my own minor child emotionally and physically--for anyone or anything. I will also speak out for the suffering of those millions of children in alcoholic or otherwise dysfunctional families.
If anyone is a parent who is reading this, look down the road 25 or 30 years from now: will your children agree that you protected them by your actions today? If the answer is no, its not too late for you to change now, today. Use the Program, get help whereever you can. Your children's lives depend on YOU. They cannot depend on the alcoholic. You must take charge. Get support whereever you can. Make the pledge: I will not create one more Adult Chlld of an Alcoholic. Ask for the help of God or your Higher Power.
Prayers and thoughts to all who are suffering and grieving too.
My thoughts and prayers are with you. I lost my mom July 18th of this year....I am lost without her, she was my best friend. Keep your mom alive in your thoughts and heart....she is with you everyday and lives on through your daughter.
I lost my Mom at the tender age of 19. The loss of a parent is hard. It's not that "time heals all wounds". It's that as time goes by we learn how to deal with the loss differently. I was so numb at first that I never cried at her funeral. We all grieve differently because we are all different. With the past of your father and mother, perhaps there is a grief councelor who might be able to help you. I went to one because I had issues too. I had to learn how to grieve for the loss of a mother as well as the guilt of not letting her die with dignity. (There was no such thing as a living will back then.) My father and sister didn't know how to handle me, and instead of pulling together, we kind of pulled apart. The counceling helped. All you can do is take it one moment at a time. Time will make it easier. Time will give you the tools you need. Be gentle with yourself.
Love and blessings to you and your daughter.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
My father died in 1977 at the age of 73. My mother attempted suicide and was never the same since 1987 (because she suffered mini-strokes as a result of the suicide attempt). Before that, her mental illness prevented her from being a mother to me - but she was much worse after she attempted suicide in 1987.
It seems like I have spent years mourning / grieving the loss of my mother. I mourned the loss of never having a "real" mother (due to her mental illness). I mourned the loss of her being available to visit after she suffered her mini-strokes. I now mourn the loss of my mother because she no longer recognizes me. When she dies, I will again mourn/grieve.
I don't know if my situation was anything like yours - but please know that I hope your feelings of grief will turn into peace and calm feelings.
