The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am seriously thinking about doing a double take on my thanksgiving plans. The As brother is around and will have no place else to go. He and his brother normally smoke tons of marjuana and get stoned any holiday. They are cooked for by their mother.
I don't much want to fill in for the mother's martyrdom. I also don't want the expense. I know if I cook I will have to pay for it all and I really can't afford it. Well I would normally go into martyr mode and do it. I did last year and the resentment was tremendous. I cooked and cleaned and shopped and the A was well drunk and stoned. He did nothing.
So this year I will have to work probably at night so I won't be around in the day time. I would be killing myself to try to cook and clean around doing the extra shifts I have on. So I am not going to do it I don't think. I will try to schedule a way out for me.
I know I want to keep a million miles away from the brother. I just see him as a huge liability. I have to say this too I just don't want to deal with the mother. I can see her telephoning and just keeping them on the phone all day. Neither one can say no to her. I would be left all alone to do it all. Why set myself up for huge resentments? I know they will be huge if I cook, clean, shop and prepare and they just speak to the mother and tell her she is wonderful (all she wants to hear) all day.
So why do it? I was headed down that road. This wedding has been enough family for me for a lifetime. Well a lifetime of that family. I want to stay a million miles away from the brother. I do not want to have anything to do with it when he "falls". They can deal with it. I am not. Not one of them was ever "there" on any level when the a was sick. They left it all to me.
I have an out with work. I can stay at the hotel (we can get several nights free) that would leave me out of watching them drink and drug (that is their tradition). I will not be woke up by that. I will still be able to work. I can schedule something for me. I don't have to be in deprivation or in martyrdom.
I think I will take that. When I look at the bill for the food I am looking at a lot of money. I do not want to "give" that to the A. No matter how much I want to prove to the mother I am a better cook than her, she never saw me anyways why bother? The A can and does say whatever he wants to his mother. If he wants to cook a turkey for his brother he can, I just won't be doing it, cooking cleaning and shopping is a huge undertaking. I'd like at least a thanks afterwards. I did not get that last year. I got a drunk, stoned person who stumbled in. No thanks.
I know the resentment I felt was tremendous and it took a long long long time to work through it. Why set myself up for it again. I am taking the out. I am taking care of me and buying me the pair of shoes I need. Maybe next year will be the first year I start putting me first....
If it was me I'd stay at the hotel the whole time, work, utilize any facilities they might have (pool, hot tub, exercise room) lay in the bed and watch tv, sleep late and not even give any of that other bs a second thought! NOT YOUR PROBLEM!
Good time to bring this topic up. I most definitely will be spending Thanksgiving and Christmas either at home with my daughter and husband and friends. Or else we will be going to my husband's sister's where there is alcohol for a toast or for one drink ONLY.
I've spent my last holiday with the wet drunks, the dry drunks, the drunks in denial and the addicts.
It is not my business whether anyone deals with their problems or not but I will not subject my daughter to them.
No time like the present to start putting you first. Frankly if you have the out, take it. I work retail and Black Friday I always go in early. For me that day means I take care of me. I relax at home and don't have to deal with brother-in-law. (One never knows if he's going to be high or not. He calls himself the occasional user - NOT.) Hubby will be with his kids and that's okay. First Thanksgiving he's had with them since he's been sober. I will make myself a small turkey and have a quite relaxing feast that day. I have to crawl into bed by 8pm anyway and be up at 3am the next day. Too much hassle.
Do what is best for you. Be thankful that you are strong enough to realize that you need to take care of you.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
