The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm new to the message board, and fairly new to Alanon. My 22 year old daughter has been struggling with alcohol and cocaine use for the past few years. She is now into her 3rd week of voluntary inpatient rehab, following a black out, horrific car accident, and 2nd DUI. (No one was injured, thank god.) There's a lot on the plate.
My struggle is with how I help her after rehab. She is planning to return to our home (to her dad and I) and I'm/we're not sure how to set boundaries. We're also stuggling with how much help to give her with her legal woes - primarily financially. Part of me thinks that we should support in every way we can, especially since she is seeking sobriety. But I understand how tricky this disease is, and worry that we're being set up for more manipulation and unfair responsibilty. Any advice from anyone out there dealing with a similiar situation with a young adult suffering from alcoholism/drug use? Should she/we be considering a half way house setting, rather than move back home? How much guidance should we be getting from her rehab counselors? Any other thoughts for a mom and dad in need of advice and direction?
I can hear the pain in your post. I too have adult children involved with alcohol and drugs. It's good that your daughter did go to rehab voluntarily. None of mine have reached that point as of now.
My very first thought for you is to find f2f meetings of Al-anon in your area and go to every meeting you can!!!!
Perhaps they will have a "family meeting" before your daughter is released. If so, maybe you can broach that subject at that time.
My personal experience with my 36 yr old son is that he did live with us for around 8 months and it did not go well at all. He was trying to "recover" by himself with no help, and I had not known of the Al-anon program for myself.
My love and prayers are with you and your daughter. Please keep coming back!!!
Welcome to MIP - so glad that you have joined our family and the Al-Anon family groups.
Rehab can be a great experience for your daughter if she is willing to follow thru - and only she knows that - Have you talked with her counselors on a one on one basis? Have you asked them about the half-way house situations? They may be able to give you some suggestions on what may be best for your daughter's recovery.
The main thing that I know that has worked for me in dealing with my AH & my daughter is to take the focus off of them and to take care of me - by attending Al-Anon meetings, posting on MIP, working with a sponsor, working the 12 steps & talking with other healthy people.
Hope this helps -
Don't give up before the miracle happens in you - You deserve it,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I know when I first came to Alanon the statement "take care of you" sounded weird. I thought .."Of course I will take care of me!" What I came to learn is that it meant don't get all wrapped up in the alcoholic's baggage. Don't fall in to the trap of being manipulated or responsible. I was told my alcoholic must suffer the consequences of his actions in order to fully recover. That included financially and physically. It was not my job to make his life easy. If I did, nothing would change. I learned that his journey in life is his to manage, I cannot manage it for him or save him from himself. I am powerless over his actions and the consequences that they cause.
These are the things that allowed me to be able to take care of myself, and in the end allowed him the dignity to fight for his own sobriety.
Take care and keep coming back, Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
My daughter will have been clean and sober for a year this November. She began "using" when she was 13 years old and lived with her dad. She is now 24 years old and lives with me and my husband.
I help my daughter by proving her with emotional support. I do NOT provide her with financial support.
My daughter is allowed to live with my husband and I as long as she stays clean and sober. She is responsible for finding and staying in jobs to pay for whatever she needs (to take care of herself, her car, etc.)
I help her by giving her the knowlege of how she can live her life independently...but only when she asks. I only give advice when she asks for it.
I have been doing this since January 2006. I have watched my daughter begin to have self-respect and self-esteem. I am able to say something that I wasn't able to say before this year: I am proud of her.
I know your heart hurts. Mine did (and still does). I cannot regain the years when she was using, and I still fear that she may go back to using. I don't let her know that. Instead, I celebrate her sobriety (and not using) daily (and alone).
In terms of issues of addiction,the only thing I can imagine worse than a child growing up in an alcoholic family as I did, would be my child growing up to be an addict or alcoholic. Most of my siblings have addiction issues.
I think parents and children experience many of the same emotions. Lots of guilt. Children feel responsible for their parent's drinking. I know that from my own experience. I can't even imagine the guilt and shame a parent must feel unless they are in recovery and know the 3 C's.
Listen to other moms and dads in recovery--they are your best resources.
