The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Many months ago I went to a shrink to discuss how to help my A as his general behaviour was extremely destructive back then...even when he wasnt drinking.
In my session, the same point kept coming up. should i stay or should i go?
Her advice to me was to make up my mind and stick to my decision. So i decided to stay.
It's hard to leave a man who apart from the drinking, is one of the most kindest people i know.He doesnt get nasty when he drinks. he just becomes an idiot and a pain. if i dont pick a fight while he is drinking then we could get on fine. But when i see it, it frustrates me soooo much that i have to say something. I just cant control myself.
Anyway, i decided to stay, knowing very well that life will be extremely difficult if i do stay. I know that if i leave, my life would be so uncomplicated and i wouldnt have to deal with this discomfort anymore. But how do you leave someone who is so obviously their own enemy,and who is so sick that they cant see the problem....after all isnt this a disease??? If it were cancer, would i even contemplate leaving???
Apart from the drinking, everything else is great. I am scared if i leave that he will just get worse. He doesnt want to live his life without me and i dont want to live without him.
So how do i stay in this and be happy about it? or am i just chasing a far fetched dream????
I've been in your position too, and understand how hard it is to leave, and how hard it is to stay sometimes. I also understand the aprehension and the frustration that you speak of.
Apart from the drinking, everything else is great. I am scared if i leave that he will just get worse.This is your quote.
Is this really the case? Is everything else great? I know for me it wasn't. I tried to kid myself it was, but in the end I realised I was covering up a lot. I think the reason I was scared to face the truth was that if I did I knew I would have to make a decision on way or the other. And my self esteem was pretty low too.....I had to do a lot of work on that.
As for him getting worse if you leave, well I think theA will drink if they want to regardless of what you say or do. I know I tried hard enough!LOL!!They will get sober with or without us....if thats what they want to do.
Remember You Didn't Cause You Can't Control It and You Can't Change It
Maybe you should put yourself first now. Think about doing things that you like to do...for yourself....maybe just walking or gardening or meeting a friend for lunch. Simple things...just for you.
I wouldn't compare alcoholism to cancer myself. I think this is unfair to cancer sufferers. I remember once Christy gave an eloquent description of this. She wrote how As can attend meetings and follow a recovery programme in order to get better. It is not so easy for cancer sufferers.
I know it can be very hard to live with anA, and it is up to each individual person whether they chose to do this or not. You can only decide that for yourself.
It's never to late to change your mind if thats what you want to do.
Be kind to yourself now Arty, You are in my prayers AM
Your decision to stay or go has to be yours and yours alone.
I look at asim as a disease more like diabetes. Their behavior has a direct affect on their health. But it is more cunning and baffling than diabetes.
My AH wasn't a nasty drunk. He would for the most part just pass out. But as he progressed in his disease, he would get disoriented because he was mixing his meds with the alcohol and he almost set the house on fire. It was too much for me to handle. I was afraid to come home after work because I didn't know what I would find. I didn't want to live in his disease. That's what I was doing. I also felt in someway I might be enabling him, by letting him stay here. I never bought booze for him but it was way too easy for him here. Frankly I was at my limit. I did feel guilty at first for cutting him loose. But I was also at peace with the decision. He even tells me now that him getting tossed out was the best thing for him. I'm not convinced that it made him get sober. But setting that boundary and reinforcing it, did show him how serious I was. He knows I won't go down that path again.
An addict is going to do what an addict is going to do, sober or not. There is nothing you can do about it. They don't need a reason to drink. We can talk about triggers all we want. And they are valid. A councelor reminded me (when we went back to detox after rehab) that I am not responsible for his triggers. He's responsible for reacting to them, to pick up that drink or not. If you choose to leave because you are doing what is best for you and he drinks, then so be it.
Focus on you and what is best for you. Recovery is about you and for you, and what is best for you. It's about taking back your life and having the life you so richly deserve and are entitiled to.Take no prisoners when it comes to you recovery.
Love and blessings to you.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I have felt the same thing scared that my leaving will make him get worse. I still find myself worrying about whether he is going to be able to make it on his own or not. I get mad at myself, he's going to be 40 this year and if he can't figure out how to take care of himself that's his problem!!
When I left he did get worse but then he got better I just don't know if I believe that he will stay better. There have been many times I left just to 'teach him a lesson' thinking he would appreciate me more if he had to do everything on his own. He just ended up messing up his life more and then I ended up dealing with it so like the therapist said decide and then stick to it.
I moved out. I continue to add to my book "reasons not to go there again" My plan is to watch now and see if he cleans up his financial/legal messes or if he keeps messing up then I can choose to go back or not and who knows what could come along between now and then.
(((Arty))) I spent so much time on that thought. Should I, Shouldn't I...I loved alanon's third choice...NO decision is a decision....Give it some prayer and meditation time.
When I can't make up my mind...I tell myself...Today I make the decision to make no decision...committee meeting adjourned! My day is then freed up to go on to things I can do!
Well the issue with alcoholism is that there will eventually be plenty of physical issues. Dying of live disease is not a plesant, quick way to go. The other issue is that am I able to take it. Then do I have resources around me to deal with this.
I know for me dealing with the A is the whole package. Can I deal with his mother, brother, the friends whatever. I can't, not on the long term. Taking care of him when he was last sick meant me alone. His family did nothing. Maybe they have done in the past. But this last time nothing. I am not up for that.
So then it comes down to how do you leave. Do you have a huge colossal mess leaving with everyone in crisis or do you come up with a plan b.
I think cancer is a good comparison. Some people when they get sick they become nice and kind and loving, others go the opposite. Obviously I have limited loyalty these days. Some of my loyalty is to me. I know when I am around an A I come up short. So these days I work pretty darn hard to limit the amount of A's I am exposed to.
I don't even think it is about should you stay or should you go. It is about how are you working your program. I know too when I am procrastinating self care I am in deep trouble. So I know if I ultimately put my self care up there inevitably it will come at some point I am in a position to leave.
