The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So the A has been 'visiting' a lot lately and was at the house all day Saturday. I did what I had to do and then spent all day laying around on the couch or in bed and letting him cook, watch the kids, etc. I spent the next day cleaning and cleaning and cleaning.
My problem with this is that I know this is my pattern that when he's around I start to rely on him to do things and get 'lazy'. Many times I feel sick literally and think maybe it's subconscious laziness. I think maybe this is my payoff, the reason I keep getting back into this because for a minute it seems like my life is easier when he's there.
Until he gets comfortable again anyway and I KNOW THIS. So why try to fool myself into thinking that it would stay this way. My house gets filthy and I don't do anything because I expect everyone else to do it. When it's just me I know I don't have anyone to count on but me so I do it.
Is it wrong for me to take advantage of his kindness when he's giving it out? I feel like I am doing it because I deserve it damn it! Because I'm tired of being #10 behind everything else! But then I pay every time because I have to clean up after all that laziness!!!
I just have to remember that this kindness is only temporary until he gets comfy again and then its a slow slide down the slope into the pit of hell that I came out of.
Anyone else have this experience? Anyone who has a BINGE drinker who stays sober for long stretches and then goes on a runner for a few days? The hardest part is you never get to the point where you can trust them again because every time you do you get screwed.
GOOD NEWS!! The realtor called today and said she had someone call who was 'very interested' in the house. Everyone please pray, light a candle, bury a st. joseph statue or something for me and think good thoughts about this house selling!
Seems to me that the first step towards changing a behaviour is recognizing it. You DO have choices - you are not locked into this pattern if you don't want to be. This particular pattern is not one of mine, but I have my own, and I have found that small changes help - they sort of snowball, and pretty soon something has changed. Good for you for realizing what you're doing - now you can think about what you really WANT to be doing!
I think what you're really saying is that you're desprate to enjoy the good times. You're tired of going on a treadmill and you want to enjoy some down time.
I think a good plan would be to institute a little bit of down time and easy does it time every day into your life. Maybe it's a hot shower at the end of the day with your favorite soap and then some luxurious lotion. Maybe it's a "Mom's only" flavor of ice cream. Maybe it's 1x a week taking in a movie, or going to the book store for an hour to read.
When we do little things for ourselves we don't feel a need to over indulge. It's like the principle that nutritionists keep trying to get people to use when it comes to candy: keep the "fun size" in your freezer, so that when you've got a craving, you have a little piece vs a whole bar. That way you still have your candy fix and you don't feel like a pig. Same prinicple here. If you do a little bit each day, you have "me time" and you still feel like you can take care of others.
If anything, you'll be a better person for taking care of you first. Remember, god don't make junk. God's creation has to be attended to, cared for, cared about.
