The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
.....or something. I posted this morning about how I felt about this whole situation with my A. I thought I was going to have a rotten day because instead of just letting myself flow through the day, I felt weighted down. But after I got it out of my system by posting here, I perked right up! I got myself dressed and looking good,smelling like Elizabeth Arden (smile). My Mom was coming to have dinner with me - company for both of us - so I looked forward to that. And the day was bright, sunny and warm so rather than be inside, I went on out and got busy washing some grimy windows. I'm clumsy with everything and it took forever for me to get the step ladder up and I had to keep running back and forth for each cleaning thing I forgot or misplaced. But the job kept my focus on something other than the junk I been trying to deal with. Besides, I looked and smelled good and,lo and behold, felt good. I was also doing laundry in between. Then I went on to vacuuming out my car, washing it and shining it up. Talk about clumsy! That took forever but I didn't mind. I had my CD player on with my favorite oldies. I felt good,looked good and smelled good and it was such a beautiful day. Besides, I like getting into a clean car. I used to think that if my house and car were clean, then everything else would be good, too! Crazy but today I did it because I liked doing it all and it needed to be done...........Anyway, I finished the car and went in the house to finish the dinner for me and my Mom. But when I went to turn on the faucet just a trickle of water came out! I can be pretty handy around the house but not in this area. Since my mother lives next door, I knew I could use her shower,etc. but what a hassle. And this needed to be fixed..........I don't think I've mentioned it here but my A is a plumber by trade. I was pissed because I knew I'd have to call him because there is no way in the world I could pay a plumber to come over then. My day had been going so well and now this. My mother thought it was funny. Big help. Not only did I not want to call him, I didn't know if he even would and if he did, I didn't know how I'd handle it. I kinda swallowed my pride and made the call. He didn't answer (drunk maybe? Or just not answering my call). I left a message and he actually did call me back but god how I hated to do things this way - I told him that I was sorry for SOME of what I said before and I hoped he was alright but could you please come fix my water? So he did just what I figured he would - got into the technical part of what the plumbing problem could be, instructed me on what to do call and let him know if that fixed it. His tone was normal and he talked as though nothing ever happened to us. To make this long story short, he ended up coming over to fix the problem which I suspected was what he wanted to do anyway. I was nice and so was he but I could tell that he was missing home and would've loved to sit at the table with my mom and me eating that roast.(sorry but no way). He also was looking through the latest mail to see if he got any and went into "our" bedroom to get something. I think he wanted to see if I had packed up any more of his stuff (I hadn't) or maybe if there were a strange pair of cowboy boots by the bed (LOL. In my dreams) but also to get a sense of where I am now coming from. It was,after all,the first time I've spoken to him since I verbally killed him. But I thanked him and he left. I could tell he liked that I called him. He also did something I was 100% sure he would do - he called a while later to tell me he'd have to come by in a day or two to get some blueprints (he could've taken them when he left). I just said okay. But here's the odd thing - just by seeing him and talking to him in a good manner, it made me feel better and I think it made him feel better. Comforting you might say.This does NOT mean I want him back now. It made me more intent on working on myself but not for the purpose of being able to live with him and his stuff. I don't want his stuff. I guess I just wanted to see him and hear him in order to get passed him. So he left in a good way. My Mom left with the pot of water she'd brought over for me! I think tonight I will be able to sleep without tossing and turning and clenching my jaw...........jaja
Awesome! I found that when my attitude changed, so did my A's. I was no longer the shrew I had been, and actually didn't care if he drank or not. I think I numbed all my emotions about his drinking. I started taking care of ME for the first time ever, giving myself the TLC that I had always reserved for everyone else!
Then I learned to stop obscessing over the A and taking one day at a time. That is when I started my new life, really living, enjoying a little of each day regardless of what the A was doing. Sometimes I slip, just as the A does. We still break up, still get back together, but each breakup gets farther apart, and shorter in duration. The rollercoaster is still there, but we don't hop on it quite as much as we used to.
Alcoholism is a powerful and baffling disease. It teases you, torments you, plays with you, and might even kill you.
Get ahold of as much literature as you can, go to f2f meetings, or if you can't, there are meetings here. Take care of YOU! One day at a time. Love in the program, TLC
You sound really good. I heard in Alanon the busier you are, the better you are. Great for you to clean clean clean! There is nothing wrong with that. It makes you feel good, and you said you did.
Whatever happens between you and AH, I am glad for you that he came over and left on good terms. Compassion is so important. If you are like me you are sick of the fighting, it just left me exhausted. I no longer want to fight this disease. Anyway, remember that you really loved each other once. I no longer want to be mad and negative towards my AH, though things are quite awkward between us and I don't know whether I want to go or stay. I just want peace between us.
Congratulations on taking care of yourself, and keeping the peace between you and AH when you saw him. Maybe HP will guide you to having a good conversation with AH when the time is right and you can communicate a little. My prayers are with you. Keep coming back to the board... it helps SO much.
