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level.
My life feels like a whirl wind of weird occurrances these days. As I previously posted I have recently gone through some financial upheavals, the A changing jobs, and my condo association heaping assessments on us right now. My home life in my relationship the last month has been progressive in a positive way, continuing with counseling, my program, and really stepping it up in taking care of me. All good no doubt. On Friday, my A came to my work and took me out to lunch to tell me about his new job. When he was bringing back to work he started talking again about going to the mall to get a wedding band to wear. I said that's fine, but that doesn't mean we're really married and I'm not putting my ring back on until I get some type of proposal from you offerring a committment. So, he parked the car, took off his sunglasses and popped the question. I had to ask if he was for real because I felt that maybe he was doing it to shut me up. He insisted it was for real and that marriage is what he wants. Of course I said yes, but did not change the butterflies in my stomach of whether this was really what he wants or not. Considering the last year with the separation and the relationship he had while we were separated I was concerned.
I voiced my concerns in counseling that night and our therapist pointed out all good points that I needed to be sure. My A has expressed that he is ready and wants to do this next month. He said he'd prefer a small intimate wedding to save money, because of our financial situation. The biggest thing the counselor said was my expectations of what a proposal and a marriage should look like will not be my A's and that doesn't mean its wrong. As my sponsored has said there are down sides to marrying addict but there are downsides to marrying anyone. I feel we are in a good place, but not taking the focus off me or the actions that must line up with his words. My family took it well and basically said they'd all just like to see us happy and most of all see the A become a happy person and not stop trying to find the things in his life that are fulfilling. Ultimately it is my choice. The anxiety around marrying him is mostly fear based, fear of the unknown. Letting go and Letting God is going to be key for me, as I believe that if its not HP will for us to be married it won't happen. Am I being niave about this? Because their addicts does that mean we should not venture into marriage? Any ESH would be appreciated.
Peace,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I used to want to really marry the A. Now I do not. I wanted some of what marriage would buy which is respect, resources and stuff. These days given his family dysfunction and his own drug addiction and tremendous financial issues, I would not take it on. At the same time I'd have to say I would like to marry someone at some point in my life again.
Personally I would be very concerned about marying someone with financial issues because I would be liable. I have had an enormously hard time with shared assets with the A. I rushed into sharing them and bitterly bitterly bitterly regret doing it.
So I would ask why the rush? If he has financial issues that is a red flag. I personally would want to see some of that resolved before I married. Of course I cannot really talk because I married before to someone with financial issues and that was not a concern for me. Now after dealing with the A for a few years and his incredible debt issues I would be loathe to take that on.
I do think its appropriate to be aware of what one is taking on. At the same time I know my limitations these days. I know I have had a tremendously hard time with the A over expectations (he expects me to jump and take on more than I am willing to), debts, resources (it takes a long long time to build them) and my limitations. When I got divorced which is years ago, my divorce attorney said I should look at it as a business relationship. Would I go into business with the A (he wants to start his own business) nope. But at one time I felt that love would win over everything. Now I do not. I may care deeply for the A, I may want him to suceed but as long as he is behaving destructively and using and is totally enmeshed with his awful family there is not much hope for him.
So I would really tread carefully on the issue of marriage. I have tremendous fantasies about how transformative it can be. I did not find that in practice. I found certain advantages to being married certainly. I also found certain disadvantages. The one issue I had with getting unmarried too was the tremendous sense of guilt and a persistent worry that I did not do enough to make it suceed. As a codependent I am overly responsible so for me if I ever do get married (which at my age is unlikely) I would these days be looking for someone who was willing to take responsibility for their side of the partnership and not be trying to shoulder it on me.
I keep saying it here. HP gave us FREE WILL. So, if you choose to marry, HP is not going to stop it if it is wrong, nor should he be blamed. We make our own choices in this life. If marriages were arranged by HP, many here would not be married and there would be no abuse and divorce. Secondly, addictions are progressive, keep that in mind.
If you feel you can find happiness with an active addiction, that's great. :) If you have doubts.....WAIT. Alanon says when unsure, do nothing.
Christy
-- Edited by Christy at 22:04, 2006-10-08
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
First of all congratulations on being asked. I would be saying to myself what will change in the relationship if we do get married? If you have any doubts at all do nothing. Listen to your gut instinct for now. If you have already committed yourself by saying yes then take a little time and have a long engagement. Remember the ball is in your court on this one. Whatever you choose I wish you happiness. Just remember to do what is best for you not what everyone else thinks is best, myself included. Luv Leo xx
for me, i so wanted to be married that nothing else really mattered. i iwas young and we already had baby #1. i wanted a marriage and i did my best to have one. unfourtunatly, it was impossible. when he was in the program, things were better. when he wasn't they were hell. i would have stayed married for better or worse for the rest of my life. i would have and did stay thru active addiction, affairs, mental illness, his family, lies, betrayl, finacial ruin. but what it was doing to my kids i just couln't take. they became more important than him. and so i made the best decision for me and for them.
i know you will make the best decision for you. no matter what you decide hp is with you. and so are we. follow your heart but listen to you head.
For me, i would ask myself, as horrible as it has been with the A, do I want to live with that again and again and again?
Do I want to feel that pain? If I remarry the A, I marry the whole A, relapses, the sober time, the on program time, the relapses, the selfishness, the lies, the honest times, the roller coaster?
If I planned to have kids, would I really put them thru this, put my family thru it? Put my pets thru it?
I can live with the snoring, the quiet times, the not liking to go anywhere.
I can live with the moods.
But all the A disease symptoms?
Sure I can live with the sobriety being first, all the meetings, the program talk.
But the relapse? The being ok for months or weeks or years even then BAM!!! He says something out of character.What? What did he say? Called the house a toilet? what?
What was that,what did he do? Fed the dog his dinner??? What!!?? I just mopped and he let the muddy dogs in???
The A is baaaack. And just like that my heart breaks again. My husband is gone again. No more flowers, notes, hugs, funny times, sex, kisses, holding hands, working together.
It's always lovely to be asked. I fell in love with my hubby long before I knew he was an A. I married him before I knew he was an A. Would I have married him if I knew? I really don't know. Would I marry or stay marry to an active A, more than likely not. I couldn't do it. It doesn't mean that I don't love him. I just won't live that life again. I would marry a recovering A. Selfish aren't I?
I think that you have a good solid program in place can only help you. I like what Christy says (as always), if in doubt, make no decisions. Nobody says that you have to get married right away.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
...for me.. my A did ask me to marry him...when he was still in his sobriety..and every atom of my being shouted YES..i loved him sooo much and i did truely want to spend the rest of my life with him..
... however when he started using everything again... and my whole world fell apart... i questioned everything.... i wanted him... i wanted his babies.. i didn't want anyone else to have him... but the chaos that became my life..i cudn't take....
now looking back..im glad i ran from that situation.. the fear of living with an active A puts the fear of god in to me... although yes i love him and will until the day i die... but i cannot live with that unstability....
..if you can live like your living now...day to day... and still be o.k and be able to get thru all the crap that comes along with an "active A"...then best of luck to you twinmom... ur a strong woman and a good mother... no one can ever take that away from you... i know u love ur "A"..u wudn't be here if u didn't ...
but my advice is... follow your heart... but listen to what ur head is telling you...
hugs & kisses to you twinmom.... i'll be thinking of you
That's a big step, being married. Are you willing to go through everything you've gone through with someone that's now your spouse? I mean, it's a full time commitment now. It's not just...on, off.
I think debilyn said it best, "But the relapse? The being ok for months or weeks or years even then BAM!!! He says something out of character.What? What did he say? Called the house a toilet? what?"
I keep thinking about getting back together with my A but for me it's like pondering the idea of eternity, you don't die, it doesn't end, it goes on and on. I think about the A the same way when I think about when I will be able to trust him again. There's no amount of time. I really screwed myself this time and got in way over my head financially because I had allowed myself to trust him again. I know that if I did get back into it I would have to be prepared to walk away at any given moment. I don't know if I can live like that. It takes so long and so much abuse to get to the point of walking away and I don't think I want to start that again. Why be with someone you can't trust when there are billions of fish in the sea? That's my thinking for now.
BAM that says it all, out of the blue, living in chaos.
Thanks for posting, some of the replies help me to remember.
I can sure relate to what you're going through right now. My A has been doing really well for a few years now, a few brief relapses that are getting farther and farther apart... but I still remember the 'Hell Times'. The romantic, idealistic love is gone, I can't seem to forget the awful times. (heck, he forgot them as soon as he said/did them, he was drunk,LOL... but I wasn't!)
I know deep down inside what a monster he can become, but I'm still with him. I have never been this close to another human being. We have just about everything in common when he's sober.
After going through what I have been through with him, I still sometimes get the idea that I'd like to be married to him.
I was married over 30 years ago to a man I had stayed with for 23 years. My A is an A**hole some of the time, but my ex was most of the time. I was brought up the old way,' till death do us part' way, but I finally couldn't take any more.
A and I have been together 9 years. One thing I do know is that I really believe I wouldn't ever want to be with another man. I do want to spend the rest of my life with him, but when the 'M' word comes up... I still have doubts. In a way I would like to be married, partly for security reasons. Our lives are so intertwined now, it would be hard to say what's his and what's mine if we were to break up. Even if we were to marry, I hope I have enough self-respect that I wouldn't go back to the 'Hell Times'. But, I have more self-respect BECAUSE of my A than I ever had before in my life.
You are the only person in this world who can answer that question. At least you wouldn't be going into it with blindfolds! Personally, right this very minute, I would marry my A, I don't know what I will feel tomorrow, but I do know I am leaning more towards marriage now than I was a year ago. I know I love him more than I have ever loved any man in my life.
Hope this helps some, me, I think I'm more confused than ever!! LOL! Like the others said, whats the hurry? I don't know if I'll ever feel 100% sure, but I also know life can be worse with someone else! A, or no A. Nobody can know 100% really, can they? Nobody goes into marriage knowing that their perspective spouse is an axe murderer. At least we know there are apt to be ups and downs, and have an idea what they will be like.
I know sometimes I refer to my A as my hubby, don't mean to mislead anyone, sometimes I'm just to lazy to put b'friend, most times, I feel more married to him than I ever was with my ex.
Best of luck to you in whatever you decide, with love in the program, TLC
