The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
...this morning I find myself in an old, familiar emotional state of thinking only more so because I wake up to an empty home since my children and A are not here. I've never been alone like this before, like I'm wandering around aimlessly in a hollow house. Never had this much space and time to think before and now all my thoughts are doing a number on me.Stuck between a rock and a hard place again.
It is now 11 days since he "moved" (all his stuff is still here except for a few clothes and some mail) and 6 days since that awful arguement we had on the phone. I am trying hard not to cave into my desire to call him and apologize for the dirtier stuff I said and the language I used but also to get a glimmer of hope for this relationship that I swore should end and which everyone wondered how I could stay in. I am aware of the fact that he did not not drink again as my kids and I figured he would when he left. He told our son that'd been to some AA meetings (for the first time in several years) but I don't know if he did it just to calm down so he wouldn't drink or if he decided to bring and keep it back into his life. I've told myself that it doesn't really matter whether he has or not because that is his own job and my job is to figure my own self out without thought of being in any relationship. Yet I sit here thinking "if only...". If only he would try to see what has really happened to us and try to change as I want to do. Perhaps then there could be hope for us. We each swore lately that we can't stand each other anymore and that's true to a point but I know we want it to be different. If only he would come by and see that I am not acting the way I sounded on the phone. Maybe I would apologize, maybe not. But I would definitely not be cold and mean. No point and I don't feel cold and mean now.
I visited a close friend of ours yesterday who told me he had been over about 5 days ago. He told her about what happened and his having moved out and then I told her just about all that really happened and why.(she knows our history well and she's a good listener!) Just before I left she said she had to tell me something - that when my A was talking to her, he was getting choked up but fought it off and he looked awful. His face was down and gray and she'd never seen him like that before. As he walked back to his truck she yelled out words of comfort and hope but he wouldn't turn to look at her. She said he looked liked he would cry. I said "yeah? well,that's too bad. I sreamed nasty things at him some of which I regret but it was bottled up and just came out like a machine gun AND everything I said hit the nail on the head about him and he knows it." Yet to know that he was like that when he talked to her also gave hope that he really does care. I think again "if ony..." Then I remeber how I would eventually let him come back home after staying at other people's houses without getting down to the crux of it all. I realize it seemed like I just wanted him back which I did for the kids' sake as well as mine. Not such a good thing to happen. I do NOT now want to give in to my desires and look like I was the one who made a mistake. It would let him and his alcoholic mind have power over me and that is exactly what I am working towards NOT happening. "If only" we could get together and talk in a civil and honest manner to each other while not living with each other at this time (probably not for a long while). I would have to be the one to make the first move towards that though. But I am unsure and scared. My legs are weak right now and I got a case of having to run to bathroom all the time (stress)! I think he may come over in a day or two just to get some paper work and maybe some more of his belongings. I keep thinking how I'll deal with that and what I might say. I will NOT show that I need him here. He may then go to AA just and get on my good side. And I can't fall for that again,trust his going to AA. I gotta trust myself first so maybe I won't say anything at all besides 'hello'. Who knows.
I know I have to get busy to try to get my mind off it but I'll still be thinking about it while I clean house and wash the car, take a drive, think about the next Alanon meeting. My house is so quiet and empty. " A house is not a home when there's no one there..." I suppose I'll get used to that. They say time heals all wounds but a day seems like forever. It's so easy for me give other people advice but hard as hell for me to practice what I preach! Jeez! (smile). The one thing that helps is coming here...........Thank you all, jaja
This is the time when most members load up on meetings; call their sponsor; delve deeper into literature; and journal, journal, journal. Additionally, what has helped alot of members is taking volunteer jobs at the central office, and talking to people who are in desprate need of the hope that this program brings people, and to know that they are not the first people to ever be in the postion that they are in. Some, like me, take volunteer positions in the community--I tutor LD kids in the community. Lastly, this is the time when you invest in yourself. Join a YMCA or something like that and start taking aerobics classes; call your physician and ask him/her to recommend a councelor, if you think it would help you. But staying in a big house all by yourself will give you an excuse to live in self pity. Recovery is a journey, dear--journies are at times painful. And it's okay to feel feelings. But when we allow our feelings to rule us then we will be powerless against them. Keep coming back.
Oh I well remember those huge rows, the sick feelings, the not being able to stand up afterwards. I also remember the long days afterwards when I felt like I was walking on egg shells.
I would never in my wildest dreams have felt that my life would get better. Just over 10 months ago I came to this room totally bankrupt emotionally and really devastated.
This program has helped me a great deal. I am glad you are here. I learned I did not have to solve all these issues in one day and most of all I learned to try to start taking care of me instead of everyone else but me.
If you have a sponsor call her. If you don't have a sponsor call someone in your f2f group and talk to them. Every Al-anon group I have ever been to has a calling list for times like this so if you have one use it. You are not alone!
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
I too have that same feeling. My husband the A in my life has been gone for 3 weeks and I am still falling apart daily.. I had hoped that it would get better but it hasnt .. :( I am very sad from the inside out.. It hurts to lose someone you love to this disease.. Another alcoholic relationship casuality..
Hello, This is a horribly hard time isn't it? I take it your kids are grown and out of the house?
Have you ever lived on your own before?
May I say this? My experience has me feeling you are almost waiting for him to "save" you. I remember wanting him to call and be ok, wanting him to be going to meetings, talking program, takeing care of himself.
I was so tired of taking care of everything, including him. Yet I was finding myself wanting him to be ok.
This time is different. I am takeing care of me and doing my best to make ME feel better. Then it won't matter as much if he is ok or not, becuz either way I still have my foundation.
It is unbalancing to be in the house with out him or her. As bad as it was, it was what we are used to. At least another body was there. At least there was a chance at a conversation, a hug, someone to eat with, watch a movie with.
Even with the pain, the hurt ,then they leave, we are left with such a horrible emptiness, and wonder if they will ever get better.
Instead, put in how can I be ok? What would it take? For me I had to sleep a lot. Came to the chat room a lot. I had a whole month off work to heal.
I have to tell you, he probably does not even remember all you said. Plus they only think about themselves remember? He has so much guilt about his own actions he does not even measure yours.
He blames himself for how you reacted anyway. He knows it is the aism. He of all people knows you love him.
Remember this is a disease. Of course he cares about you and loves you. It is no different than if he had cancer in his brain. The man you love, the man who you wish would come back, does care about you very much.
I don't doubt this at all. The horrible thing is, the disease is like a big block of cement between him and you. The thing is he knows there are tools to move that cement, but it is so much easier to sit back and stay there.
In time, hopefully, he gets so tired of being alone, not living, feeling sick that he will do ANYTHING to move that block of cement. OR he or she will die there.
For me I found out I was so addicted to my A, I will do about anything to stay away from him. He made me so sick, so hurt, sounbelievably sad, that it is taking me the longest it ever has, get well.
I read your posts and see,"his, he, him, etc." What would happen if you did your best to say,"I, me, myself...?"
Believe me I sure relate, and we do need to vent too. It helps us to let go.
Anyway glad you are sharing with us. You are not alone. Come here, go to the chat room. If you can, plan your time some. Go visit people, have someone over, go to movies, go to the library. Maybe you could do something you always wanted to do.
For me it is my animal sanctuary.
Find things you love, even though right now, they probably sound trivial. I put live flowers all over and got more plants. A kitten or puppy or rescue a dog.
Something alive in the house. Make showers and baths as calming as you can, candles, nice smelling stuff. I got a feather comforter and feather bed to make me feel more comfy.
The first thing I did after my AHsober moved out was paint the inside of the house. Nice, a fresh start. It took me a year to hang the pictures (crooked because there is no one here to tell me it's straight). But the house looks like my house now. Then I just moved furniture around. Bought some flowers. Got a new kitty cat. They tell you to fake it until you make it in Alanon. I am still faking it but not so much. I went to many Alanon meetings and still do. I piled Alanon literature all over me for comfort.
