The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I posted a few times a couple of years ago and then stopped because, I think, I just decided things were what they were and I might as well stop thinking they were ever going to be different. I gave up and was okay for a while.
My husband is a pastor in addition to being an alcoholic. We have always hidden this from the community, our friends and especially the congregation. That has made it difficult for me to make and keep friends. About a week and a half ago he had a very public display of REAL intoxication at a local establishment. Got very loud and profane and I got a call from a woman who had recently become my first real friend in several years that I needed to come and get him because she had taken his keys and the manager of the establishment was going to call the police to escort him home if I didn't. To make a long story shorter, I found out that night that my friend and my husband had been having an affair for the past 7 months. I literally did not believe him until the next day when he sobered up. I NEVER would have thought she was capable of such a thing. I was less shocked that my drunk husband could do it but also more hurt that he had.
I made a decision to forgive them both. I love them both. She goes to our church and will continue to as she needs a place to heel and she has family and friends there. We have met for lunch and are working hard at rebuilding our friendship.
My husband and I are also working at restoring our lives. He made a public confession to the church about his alcoholism and they are 100% behind him. We did not tell about the affair of course. He is a good man and a great pastor.
I think I am okay, just feeling a little traumatized and all of the little realities seem to be sinking in a little at a time. I wonder if I will react differently when it all really sinks in. I hope that the grace that God has sent me so far will still be enough to carry me through and solidify the forgiveness that I truly want/need to offer my husband and my friend.
I've asked you to read more than you may have wanted to so I'll end this now. Thanks for listening and if you can remember to, I'll be grateful for your prayers.
You have my most sincere prayers for a complete restoration of serenity of spirit. You sound like a good person, and I wish you nothing but the best. Please take care of yourself. Please consider attending AlAnon meetings. There you will find understanding and acceptance. And don't forget to come back here often. You'll find the same thing here among "family" who deeply care.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I understand the need to hide the alcholism. My father is a surgeon, and if anyone knew what he really is like behind closed doors, I shudder to think the consequences that would follow. I hope, for your mental serenity, you have considered going to al anon. You are a special person. Ghandi said that there are two things that can never be hidden: the light of the sun and the truth. Eventually, all will come to the light, and the congregants will see that your husband is as much a human being as they are; that he stumbles and is as frail as they are. Perhaps al anon would give you a sense of grounding in this matter. No matter what, I'm glad you're here dear. I'm glad you're sharing. Keep coming back.
We did not tell about the affair of course. He is a good man and a great pastor.
This sentence really struck me (likely because infidelity occurred while my A was active a well). Why "of course"? Why is it that he can acknowledge being an A, but not his behavior which was contrary to his marriage vows and his position as a pastor and a counselor? In my experience, recovery requires absolute truth and honesty--otherwise it is far to easy to fall back into old habits of avoiding, hiding, and lying.
I suppose that I am reacting as I am because it feels like you are being asked (whether spoken or not) to keep a secret--to put on that brave face and act as though these two people did not betray you. My only concern is that you know that you are WORTH so much more--you are entitled to, and deserve to be treated with dignity, honesty and fidelity. Just as it is not your job to fix him, it is certainly not your job to fix HER!!
As we say in the program, take what you like and leave the rest, but please be kind to yourself as you start the road to recovery.
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
I appreciate your comments and it is true that by keeping the affair a secret the absolute truth is a bit compromised. I just wouldn't want it to be known that it was her because she has 2 very young girls that I love and who love me, as well as a completely unsuspecting husband and it would be horrible for that family to suffer for her poor judgement. I realize I don't have to explain myself to anyone but I just wanted to offer this up to help you understand why I've taken the stand I've taken. Sometimes I do feel a little stupid and if he ever does it to me and our marraige again, I will be out the door, alcohol or not. That is the line in the sand.
So, keep writing to me. You and I have a lot in commom and I could use the input.
Hardyt: I don't think I am as kind and nice as you are. A few years ago the A became involved with a business colleague, their friendship was all consuming. He spent night and day with that man. There was never anything illicit in it or crossing boundaries sexually. At the same time I was incredibly jealous of their relationship. There was not one second for me. On my birthday he took him out to eat. I would try to set limits (admittedly in a very clumsy way) and got nowhere. I liked that man and tried to include myself in their relationship I still felt left out. I only knew how to do superhuman martyr, saint.
I know my own inability to set boundaries really contributed to the huge rows and anger and simmering resentment that I had about that relationship. Eventually I blew up many many times. Then I just shut him out of my life entirely. When this man showed up I would just shut the door. I became very very angry, reclusive and extremely resentful. Needless to say I felt very much alone and totally like I was left with all the pressure to never say anything.
I can still feel like with the A but far less so since I came to al anon. Now his relationships with his friends, his family and others no longer consume me in the same way. I have to say on many many levels I am still quite angry about the friendship. I think most of all I am angry at myself that I could not see the red flags and also that I could not set boundaries.
I don't actually have to move straight to forgiveness. I can allow myself still to be angry about this issue (because it really hurt me) and not "fix it". I am a Ms. Fix it. I felt I had to be ms. superhuman girlfriend for so many years. Now I do not. These days I work super hard at taking care of me not everyone else but me.
I have to say that I feel concerned that you have moved so quickly towards forgiveness. I do understand that you want to preserve friendships and you want to preserve your way of life. At the same time I know for me personally the role of superhuman martyr was a deadly one. I can no longer put everyone's interests and needs before my own. I allow myself to be angry these days without erupting, without disturbing anyone. Nevertheless I do have the right to be angry that the A still to this day often puts others first. I no longer allow it to consume me but I feel like if I had always had better boundaries I would not be in this relationship in the first place. The more I work through the steps the more I see there are/were other people in my life like my boyfriend who I allowed to walk all over me and I always allowed others to call the shots in relationships. I think these days I am no longer willing to go that route and I pull back and re-examine certain relationships all the time.
Al anon is a great place to come when you are dealing with an alcoholic. I think it is a great place to learn how to live without having their alcoholism destroy you. I believe it is also a great place to start having boundaries and being able to process feelings. I do think there is a role for forgiveness in life and I appreciate that. I also think there is a place to have anger, feelings of betrayal, mixed feelings and grief. I have found none of them killed me but processing them gave me a clarity and a strength I did not have before.
