The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My A has been on a binge for a month now. He has a couple of good days and then a couple of bad days. We have been seeing a counselor together who has set up guidelines for us (principles similar to alanon) but the realism is, nothing matters if he is using. We can agree to anything in the doc's office sober...but when the environment is ripe, my A chooses his own path. I thought I could focus on myself and practice my alanon culture, but last night, he came home late, without calling and brought my daughter's friend's father with him all messed up too. I think I can be healthier without this in my face. I love my A but we are not married, 6 years of roller-coaster, and I know I can't change anything. I feel if I ask him to leave, our relationship needs to be over. We've lived apart before, but always ended up back together. But his time, my kids are 10 and 12 and the revolving door act just can't happen.
If I make this decision to end this relationship, I know I will be in pain. But I am in pain now...and know I don't have to be. I do not care that he drank last night. THat's what A's do. ..I'm mad he brought this other person home with him...to crash on my couch...who is the father of my daughter's sweet little soccer teammate. I know her mother was probably furious last night and is still today. We have a soccer game today and she is going to be there....probably fuming. And I'm embarrassed!
(((kicky) I understand about the embarrassed part. Going thru that myself as my A is acting out and my sis and bro in law are in from Colorado to see us in Ohio. He got drunk and missed our dinner reservations last night. He is still not home, and it is almost 9 AM.
We have nothing to be embarrassed about. People keep telling me to remember the 3 c's, cant control it, don;t cause it, can;t cure it. It is up to them. Maybe this soccer girl's friends mom could use some Alanon someday herself. You never know. We never thought we'd be here either.
Keep coming back. You will know when the time is right for you.
I'm sorry to hear about your circumstances too. It's awful to feel like this. But in front of others, you are reminded how out of control things are.
My A left at 8am to take his "drinking buddy" home. I told him to find a new place to live this week. He's so used to hearing me say this I know he doesn't take me serious. And of course, right now, he's probably sitting at the local Italian "club", pissed off and drinking some more. But tomorrow, he'll try to make nice and I'll fall for it. I wish he would just stay drunk and then it would be so easy for me to break away. It's all so sick.
Hopefully I can be strong enough to say "enough is enough" and boot him out.
I understand the whole thing kicky. There are behaviors that are intolerable no matter how hard we try or how much we pray. I wish you well in your decision. You may have nothing to be embarrassed about, true, but being in the company of someone whose behavior is intolerable is embarrassing no matter whether it should be or not.
I cannot imagine taking the attitude, "Yep he really is an ill-behaved ass, but it's not my problem...oh well." By association I attain the same level; it IS my problem, and I am much too good for that. So are you.
Take care, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
What you are sharing with us is absolutely critical to share with the councelor. They cannot help you if you are not completely honest. Tell the councelor that he won't stop drinking--that he's only sober for the appointments. And that you're ready for him to leave. Btw, it's completely normal what you're talking about: My parents would be this energetic, willing couple in counceling, they'd get home,
The whole time my husband and I were in couples counselling, we never said word one about drugs or drinking. And, funny thing, but the counselling really didn't do us much good!
I know that "I'm ready to leave" and then caving once he's sober and sorry merry go round. Keep in mind that your kids deserve one sane parent - and it's gotta be you, it's sure not going to be him.
Wow that is a lot up. I can say I have certainly been there with the A bringing people home. I can't say I give that much energy anymore because he brings them home when I am not around at night when I am working I am sure and I am not party to their acting out. I have also been there with the torturing myself over the leaving stuff too. I can certainly empathise over that.
The A would not even think about counseling so I have not been there. I also think from my own experience of going to counseling with various partners that what you describe is actually pretty normal. Actually making change happen is pretty tough going. I've definitely tortured myself about it though and felt like a failure and now I think that it is pretty hard for anyone to make change so talking about it for many many people is often the first step in many small steps to making change...
I think you are in the right place. I am certainly ms. super pleaser, martyr, let me take all responsibility person. These days though if someone goes out and drinks I let them take responsibility for it. I no longer try to please, make the world right. I am just here to keep my side of the street clean that's it. At work that really helps because I certainly work in a dysfunctional place. I go in do my job and come home and leave it there and for me that's a lot of discipline because I would love to fix it make it wonderful for all and make everyone think I am ms super wonderful to kill myself doing it. I can be ms super over involved in a second. I no longer try to fix the whole world, just me. That in itself is a full time job. I have a bad cough right now and taking care of that is pretty hard work but not taking care of it is even harder so I am willing to do it in ways I never did before.
Right now the A I live with is at his mother's super wedding reception. Normally I would be counting the seconds till he came back and worried he would drink. There is certainly alcohol at this party, his mother likes to drink, and she sees nothing wrong to serving it up to those she knows are alcoholic. I am no longer creating worst case scenarios, worrying, counting the hours, worrying that the truck will be lost (its already damaged), worrying what would I do, resenting him, resenting him, resenting the other people there. I say nothing to him about going, coming back whatever. I let him go and take full responsibility for his life. These days I take full responsibility for mine and right now my choice is to be living with an A. It is certainly not a good choice, and certanly one I would not make if circumstances were different but they aren't. So I choose not to beat myself to smithereens about it anymore or torture myself to death about what should I do. I know what I should do which is to work on a plan b and I work on that to the best of my ability and then detach. That's all I can do. I can do no more or no less. I no longer need to suffer in order to feel like I can take on some of his suffering and make him stop drinking. Maybe he will do it when his liver is so damaged he can't eat. Who knows. He knows he should not drink, he has liver issues. I am not inhuman or uncaring. I do care but I also care about me that is what is new, he no longer comes before me and that is new too.
I used to think when I first came here when people said they could live with an A and be happy they were loony tunes. How could they not torture themselves. Then I started doing what other people suggest and taking care of me. Eventually I found I can and do learn to like my life despite my circumstances which are not good by any means. I can put down that big stick I used to beat myself to death with and start taking care of me. The A certainly isn't, no one else is so I had better do it. I can have moments when I feel detached and calm even when the A is acting out. I can not be super reactive, super on edge, walking on eggshells and I can believe that in time my circumstances will improve. They have already.
The right thing is never usually the easy thing. You know what's right for you and if you do choose to leave then it's right because it's sure not easy. I have found that keeping a journal of reasons not to go there again has been very helpful then I can refer to those reasons when I start to feel weak.
I once read somewhere that going to couple counseling without dealing with the issue of alcoholism is like a seriously injured car accident victim in the hospital emergency room. Bleeding from the jugular, broken legs,broken this and that. The doctor isn't going to fix the broken bones first because the victim is going to die anyway from the blood loss. In other words, you can get counseling for marital problems but it may not help if alcoholism is tearing the marriage up anyway. So before you can fix the body parts, you have to deal with the bleeding first (alcoholism). My A and I went to marriage counseling a long time ago and a real sensitive issue came up about a huge lie my husband told me when I first met him. When the session was over, my A was embarrassed and we didn't say anything to each other about what was said but he went out on a week long binge the next day. I squashed the couple counseling after that. I have nothing against counseling. It just wasn't going to help us if kept getting drunk....jaja
