The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi everyone, I read almost everyday and I cannot stay away. Learn so much from you all.
For me, I am at the point I may go thru a whole day and not think of my AH. I look at his picture and don't feel a lot. He must be using a lot becuz I don't feel connected at all.
When he used before, then would not use, I could feel it even when I did not see him. He has definite patterns and routines for each life he lives.
I have not been crying so much. Life is getting more normal as it is all the time. Living alone is the norm again I guess.
Been here so many years now. Can't imagine not having MIP!!! It has been a major learning experience in my life. I don't worry, I surrender, I know my hp will take care of the outcome of everything. I just do what I do and that is that.
My health is a drag. But I just keep going. When you hit fifty you change so much. I will be fifty four in Feb. Working on my sanctuary is pretty rough on me. I have to admit if something goes real badly I still cuss the A out for leaving me here alone!
But I got smart this year. I am preparing for winter, instead of living in my rose colored world and thinking,"oh the mud is not THAT bad.." OMG yes it is.
So the big guys are back up at the barn and will be fed there. I can get to the end of the barn to fill the bunkhouse with feed and hay, and straw. There is a door from that to my feeding area, that is on the other side of the stalls. So I can mix feed and fill bowls right there. I put a heat lamp over me so I will be warm.
The handicapped and old pot pigs are at the end of my deck so I can just mix their feed on my deck under the roof, and take it to them simply. Same with the other pots.
Got an area for the dogs that they will not get muddy too.
Also am getting my garden area really cool. I have been here since 99 and have not had a real garden. I have my flower garden, it is so cool. Now i have a vegie garden. Raised beds, green house and all.
A has not been around, so I am strong. I can focus on my home, my passions. I am well.
I can see the cobwebs and the walls that need paint. Could not see them when A was around.
Can still remember that horrible pain when A really left. Still remember the last time when the disease tricked me again. Dangled his love in front of me like bait, and I took it. Took it deep inside me, really believed I would get to touch and feel my husband again.
Then the disease literally stuck its sharp claws in my heart and yanked all that good out again.
That will be the last time. If I allow it to happen again, I won't survive it. I know it. I have not more hope in me for my A.
For his sake, I wish hp would take him. But that is not up to me.
Edens magic is still here. I was blessed to help rescue one of the most beautiful horses I have ever seen. He is a very up there, papered Quarter horse. But he is lame and his last three owners gave him up becuz of it.
He came here, and has not limped once. NOT once. He tears around like a colt. He is eight. He has corrective shoes.
I told the gal don't be surprised of how he will change here. I was so pleased to see him not in pain anymore.
He is dun with black stockings, mane,tail and has a black stripe down his back! I call him Gleasir/superbly magnificent! He runs to you to be loved. Elgin and Chief put up with this boy.
Life goes on after A. Of course I would rather have him here sharing Eden. But he loves using more.
At least my passion does not kill me.
I would rather be alone, than have the A in my life. There is too much to love and enjoy, to have that heaviness in my heart.
So now I have fences to put up, garden beds to make, and a barn to get ready for winter. No longer crying, and lonely, and dieing inside.
Taking care of me, is now normal.
I am so thankful for everyone one of you.
One day at a time, do what you can, one step at a time. I am talking bills, house work, everything. Do what you can and enjoy your life.
(((Deb))))you are amazing. Hope someday I can achieve the strength you have within you.
Today was not a good day for me, and I tried to start it over, but I feel the damage has been done. I feel the need to sleep on it, and maybe tomorrow will be better.
My Dear Friend, I am so happy for the update! I always worry about you, you have been through sooo much.
Your new horse sounds wonderful! I'm sure the rest of his days will be happy ones, with you as his new 'Mommy'.
I know you have really hard work and worry about you being alone, but what price serenity? Someday the serenity will outweigh the heartache,and you'll wonder why you put yourself through so much. Still praying for you my friend, with love, TLC
I was wondering how you were. You sound very strong, and I absolutely love the descriptions of Eden. It sounds like you have put a lot of work into it, and the animals love you for that, unconditionally. It sounds like your loving energy is spent and the results are beautiful with your gardens, etc. It sounds like a very lovely place. It's like cooking, it only tastes good if you put your "love" into it while making something. Same thing, it sounds like your passion and love for your space is flourishing and making it beautiful.
Your strength is amazing, and your words have helped me many times and stick in my mind. That is what this program is about, lifting each other up, and being there for each other. You go above and beyond helping others. Thank you. I hope you have everything in life that you dream for.
Also, as far as the mud being bad, I am learning in studying a bit of Buddhism to accept the negative things in life as well as the positive. It is quite strange, but there are good and bad parts of life, the dark and the light as we know very well as spouses of AHs. The key is to recognize the negative for what it is, it just is there. I guess the reaction is the hard part to change. Same with people we love so much that are lost in this disease. It is really weird to accept the "reality" of the situation, that they may never change, they may never seek help. Letting him go like you did was really really hard, but believe me you helped many others, like me, who may need to do the same thing. Life does go on, as you have shown us. There are passions, beautiful things, beautiful people and creatures that need help....
Thanks Debilyn for your wonderful life and sharing it with us. You are special...
