The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
i am still pretty new to this board. i've found it so helpful for the few weeks i've been reading it. i've still only been two one f2f meeting but plan on going to one again soon. sunday maybe. i am writing to ask for some suggestions. i am feeling sad and full of grief about my current relationship with an A. we've been together a year. we don't live together. phew. my A knows he has a problem with drinking. he is in therapy and has tried several times within the last year to quit drinking which resulted in a couple of days dry and then back to the drinking. sometimes the drinking got worse after the days being dry. i guess it is true that for every diet there is an equal and opposite binge. sigh.
so, here's the deal. i haven't been getting my needs met at all for the last 5 months. everything is all about him and his pain--depression, suicidal thoughts, career indecision, his need for space. he doesn't like to go anywhere or do anything. he sometimes can't leave the house. he is taking anti-anxiety meds everyday which is a bad bad bad combo with the alcohol. i, of course, have organized myself around his pain/addiction and have tried to save him, come up with solutions with him, worked really hard at making the relationship work, had conversations with him about my needs so that i might get my needs met, "given" him space. well, i havent' gotten my needs met. he's in a place where he can think of nothing but himself and i honestly can't stand it anymore. i want things to change but he is like a stagnant lump of self-absorbtion. i feel like all i can do is change myself and my behaviour. i've talked to him about our mutual need for recovery--his from alcoholism and mine from my caretaking and codependency. he sort of nods like he gets it but doesn't do much to work on it--separately or collaboratively. i mean, i could stay in the relationship if there was some goal of recovery but this doing nothing just feels to me like more of the same. and i can't stand the way it is now.
the problem--i love him. my solution--to ask for a separation. not forever, just for now. in service of myself, to get some clarity and some ground. ground and clarity that i can't seem to find within the relationship. i also think that it is the best thing i could do for both of us and for my recovery work--my sobriety. i also don't have any illusions of him making a speedy recovery. i have hope that he'll come closer to his bottom--and make it through.
i also think that in order to continue a relationship with him i would need to see that he is really working toward his own recovery and taking better care of himself. is this fair to ask? why do i not feel entitled to this? i am only one year into this relationship. it feels like he's the love of my life but i could certainly end this and grieve it now before i am in too deep. i don't want to end up trapped and married or with children or with years of my life spent this way. i don't want to spend my life with an active A and i'm not even entirely sure i want to spend my life with an A in recovery. i love my A but it is hard to continue to stand here so lonely and unsatisfied--and watch him destroy himself and pull away from me and disappear into oblivion. i feel guilty wanting to leave, like i'm abandoning him but some part of me understands that leaving is actually staying 'with' him--supporting his recovery (and mine) by leaving with love. to stay is to enable. i feel like he's keeping me around to stall. as long as i'm here he can not do his work. he can feel support and not show up for me. he can remain selfish and self absorbed and active in his addiction. i feel used. invisible. and then sometimes i find him in there and i know why i want to be with him. and then the grief surfaces and i want to run back to him, make things better, hope for change. but change hasn't come yet. sigh.
do you have any suggestions on how to have boundaries as i work toward separation? how have some of you worked through this? is what i am feeling typical? i feel like i just want someone to say...you're doing the right thing. inside i think i am. and i know it has to be right for me. and it is right for me. but don't you ever just want someone to take you aside and say, 'yeah, just dump him for now. go take care of you.' ack! any response is welcome here. i think what i need most now is support.
hi violet, I always feel like such a downer when your kind of situation comes up.
In my experience, what you are going thru right now, is what makes me not be around my AH.
How would it be if you two had kids and he was like he is now and worse? Just becuz he may get into recovery does not mean he will stay in it, more often than not they don't.
Would you want your precious kids to go thru this?
An A is a person with a disease. It does not go away, some of the symptoms might, but the foundation of the disease does not.
There is NO recovery. An a who is not using and chooses to be as healthy as possible, lives a "plan" that he or she follows.It is an unique plan. For instance, no using, no using profanity, thinking about others feelings, asking others questions, being honest, eating right etc. This is a daily life plan.
They can relapse and work towards relapse at any time. recovery is not an end result, it is a every second of life living.
Bottom can be death. Bottom can be losing everything, even their shoes, it could be losing their license. But there are A's who drink and drive and kill who cont. to drink.
I had to learn to fill my own needs and live with out the others. I still do. I never expect anyone to take care of me. I don't expect anything from anyone.
If I do, I am setting myself up for a let down. I am always appreciative when someone does something for me, or when they do something wonderful in their life.
I know people who are trying to raise kids with an A. I would rather die than put my kids thru that. I sent my A away for 10 years, got an R and refused to have him anywhere near us.
He got sober, on a program for a long time, we got married, he had brain surgery and he has been a mess since.
Anyway if I were you, I would take care of me. Separate, sounds good to me. Then you might be able to see things clearer and make wise decisions.
We get addicted to them too. I need complete abstinance from my ah to stay sane and happy.
Well I think you are in the right place to be talking about this. Have you tried therapy for yourself. An hour a week of just about you. You should have seen the A's face when I told him one day I have never mentioned him in therapy he was totally flabbergasted. I did not indeed mention him for a long long time. I took the time for me. So what do you have for you if you have this great yawning need of yours what is it? Do you have friends. We do tend to get isolated with the A's incredible needs. This week I went out and met a friend. For me that was so so huge. I plan to go out with the friend again in a week ago.
My advice to you would be to start small. What arr you doing for you? Are you taking care of your needs? Do you take time just for you. I have a lot of time apart from the A at the moment as we work different hours. That is very very good for me. Coming here is very good for me. So start by taking care of the small things are you eating right, exercising some, are you getting time to just relax (it is very hard to relax around an A). Then build up to the larger things, what kind of relationship do you want. I have to say that even though I am middle aged I have never really thought about the bottom lines in a romantic relationship what's essential what isn't. I am now these days I am, even though I may not ever have another one I think about that. I do know also that I set far far more boundaries in my life than I ever have. I am no longer the martyr, caretaker I once was.
One good thing is to surround yourself with literature too. There are some great great writers out there on codependency. Our founder Lois is one of them. All the al anon literature, even the one day at a time stuff is excellent. There are other people who are equally good Harriet Braikers book on Peoplepleasing is a classic as is anything that Melody Beattie has written as well as Pia Melody. I read the people pleasing book a while ago, a few years actually and it takes a while to let the issues seep into your life.
Above all be kind to yourself. No one else is. The A is immersed in his stuff that is it for him for now until he moves into another space, don't take it personally.
