Well, last night I got a call from my out-of-state son who had just called his Dad. He said that the possibility of him drinking again was on his mind so he was relieved to find that my A was not only "sober" but that he had gone to AA meetings. I told my son 'good for him!That's good thing. At least he's trying'....But,silently, I was saying "Fine. He's gone to a few meetings. Isn't THAT special ".  I sat back thinking about how my A (and many others) works when things get tough between he and I. He'll drink, and or run, hoping things will blow over,then work his way back to me and maybe even throw in a few meetings to make it look good and sometimes go just 'cause he was scared he might drink.I don't want to knock the man because for all I know he may have decided to make AA part of his life but I know that routine of his. And right now it doesn't even matter much to me if he goes or not. I am fighting for my own life in a way. I sooooooo don't want to go back to that place where I'd give a sigh of relief that he was coming off a binge and would be so apologetic, go to meetings, being super nice to me and the kids.I wanted things to go back to 'normal'. Sooner or later it would start all over again. And we all know that merry -go-round.........So here I am in the house alone thinking how in the hell do I deal with everything because on an emotional level this is harder than I thought. I should say my emotions are going up and down if you know what I mean. One minute I know it's better that he's out of the house now but then I pace around here looking for his truck to pull up, hoping we can make it work this time. Jeez!! I pulled out a bunch of co-dependency books I have (could fill a public library) and sat there wondering why can't I deal with my situation very well if I've read all those books,etc.  I think it's because I never truly grasped what it meant to take care of ME especially because I always thought I was. HE'S the one who needed to get his act together! But after going through some of the books and reading here at this site, I am getting a better picture and the fact that I'm in the house alone, I can focus a little better. I think " How did it all happen?? How? How? How!!! How did my life get to this?? How do I get rid of the anger and knot in my stomach?? " Do I really want to be with him if only the crap would go away or do I really want to be with him at all? I got my mind to stop swirling a little when I read about why it is important to truly take care of ourselves,why we need to come first and ways to do it. I know the fear of being alone is what got me involved with my A in the first place when I was leaving my first A. And it has certainly factored in this relationship now. I think how good it might be to have someone else but then that's a real scary thought. If I found the nerve to date again (oh pullleeeze), I may get a nice, clean guy but he'd end up miserable with me the way I am and leave! Jeeze! So now I am forcing myself to keep my hands off the phone to call him and,instead, put them on some of these books and get serious about regular Al-Anon. But I do this for ME. To figure ME out, not him. To find myself,not him. If I can begin to understand enough to truly detach, at least more than what I have, then maybe I'll get somewhere. I can't imagine my A going to AA for the right reason - I picture him as going after our screaming match so he wouldn't drink but as soon as his nerves settle down, he'll figure 'I'm okay now'. And he'll think about what a problem I have and how I need counseling. I don't care. And I know that as long as he thinks like that, it'll never be good for me. So he can AA if he wants and I do wish good things for him but I am the one I need to think about, I can Al-Anon, and I want good things for me. Life is short! That you all for your help and encouragement! It is fueling me.....

P.S. The REALLY hard part about being alone, aside from coming home to an empty house, is COOKING FOR ONE!!!!! My fridge used to be full of stuff and now it has butter, juice and milk! LOL!!!!!!