The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have managed the finances in our house as long as I can remember. My AH makes the money, but I pay the bills. We are on an extremely tight budget. My AH is constantly taking money out of our account without telling me, which obviously screws up our account.
Last night I caught him in my wallet (again) getting a check out, which he obviously intended to use to buy alcohol (which I have no control over), but not record the check thinking I wouldn't find out. Of course I always find out because I have online banking so I can find all the missing money!
It suddenly dawned on me that I use my role as "keeper of the money" to attempt to control his drinking, or at least his ability to obtain the money to buy it. So, I said to him that I don't like having to be the gatekeeper. I don't like having to be a bitch about not recording checks, and I don't like that he sneaks around to get money.
So, I very kindly and genuinly suggested that he take over all financial responsibilites, including both our business and personal accounts, bill paying, etc. I said that if he agreed to do it then he is responsible as of this moment, not "someday." I said if you take over I will come to you for any cash that I need, not the other way around anymore.
Well, he agreed! He said that it is ridiculous that he makes all of the money but has no idea where it goes. He also said that it is ridiculous that a 40 year old man isn't in control of his own finances.
In the past I have never suggested that he take control of this because I thought that he wasn't capable. But last night I had to think that over a little, is he irresponsible or am I being controlling? Well, I guess we will see.
This morning at our office I gave him all the bills, budgets, checkbooks, etc. I am handing this to my HP. In the past I think I would have hovered all over him to make sure he did this correctly. Now I feel at peace that I no longer have the day to day worry of finances, I am leaving it to him and my HP. Please pray for us that we are not in bankruptcy court next month!
Thanks for being here. Babysteps
PS. He went out and bought a large bottle of wine for himself, and a small bottle of low alcohol wine "for me" (yeah, right). I had one glass of wine while he was "napping" around 7 pm. Both bottles were in the trash when I got up this morning. God help him.
You're braver than me!! I agree that a forty year old man ought to be in charge of his finances, but in my case I couldn't risk it. I, like you, pay the bills etc. That way I know I can keep a roof over our heads!
Sometimes I get annoyed that I have to be responsible for so much in the house! Is that me controlling??hmmm...I don't think so. I think it's me chosing to have a house to live in. I chose to stay with him and also have to chose some secutity for myself. It would be being irresponsible if I stood by and let him squander the housekeeping money, I think. I have no doubt this is what he would do, having lived through this scenario already.
Of course I would love this to be different. I would love if he was responsible enough to look after the finances etc. I just know he isn't. He will spend everything in his pocket, and somehow ignore the bills...
I have to be realsitic.
The truth is when he has paid up for his part of the housekeeping and bills, he just spends whats left on drinking usually. This angers me, but I have to ignore it. I chose not to mention it. It is afterall his money to do with whatever he pleases. I don't (well, do my best!) not to comment.
I have never known him to save any money or budget in any way. I wish it were different but it isn't. This is just my situation!!
In my eyes, that was a huge step. And good for you for being able to let that go.
What worked for me was that I refused to support his addictions. I am the one working and the only income coming into the house is mine. (Well, not right this very second because he is one his way up to Alaska to work, so he will have his own income) So I paid all the bills and manage the budget. In the past he would ask for money and say that he would give it back when he worked a side job. Well he would do that and then not give back the money he had asked for, and I financially got hurt a few times. So I told him that his income is his, and he can do with it as he pleases, but what I bring in is to ensure that the kids and I have a roof over our heads, heat to keep us warm, and food to keep the fridge full. And his money is his money. And when I told him that I would no longer support his addictions he was okay with that and extatic that he no loner had to hand over his money to me as the "Almighty Bill Payer of the House".
Yes I do sometimes resent his blowing money on drugs, bozze, cigs, and whatever else he does with it. And sometimes he gets cranky when he asks for money and a refuse to give him some. I tell him to go work for his buddy working on this guys house or go to labor ready for the day, and he bitches at me and says I am trying to control him. And I remind him that no, I am protecting our kids. That I no longer control him and all the money.
So I am watching him slip deeper into the addiction, with hopes that his bottom is close. I am no longer standing in the way of his addict, and that is a freeing feeling.
And if he were working a steady job bringing in a steady income, it would be a different story. But this is what worked for me.
Glad you found a way that works for you.
Yours in recovery,
Mandy
__________________
"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
Money and how it is spent is a huge issue in the relationship I am in. Personally I would not put myself in a place where I was financially dependent on the A again. I have been there and would rather work some kind of awful job than do it again. In fact much of my focus these days is how can I earn more and be even more independent of the A.
There was a time when I could not work because I had a major depression. I would seek disabilty if that happeneed again. I would never put myself in a place where I was dependent on the A again in that way.
I have to depend on him to pay certain bills as it is and he never does. I walk on eggshells around that. I have given up being generous though I never ever offer to "help" anymore. The "help" is not reciprocal. When I need he does not give. So I have stopped "helping".
I'm going to play the devil's advocate here. The thing is when (or if) he blows the household or business funds out of the water, mismanages the finances or over looks a payment will you repremand him? Will you have a feeling of I knew it or I told you so? Will you use this to punish him or hope that this will make him "aware" of his actions? Bottom line is - are you setting him up? and will you come in and rescue him by straighten out the mess?
I can totally relate to feeling like it is a control issue and having to be a "B" about it. To me it is balance, I have to take care of myself and do what is best for me. I try not to throw the baby out with the bath water so to speak. Motives are a deep and personal thing. When my motives are in the right place I tend to have peace, even in a storm.
I was in your same boat years ago and did the same as you did. I had miraculous results.
Before, when I paid the bills, I had a "mom" role sort of and he naturally fell into the "son" role. This was not good for him and did not bring out the best in him. He blew all of his money on restaurants and alcohol and resented "giving" me any money to help with the bills, although he did. I hated nagging him about the money, I did not like being in the "mom" role with my husband and I could tell he did not like it either. He resented it and I resented it and each time bill paying time came around it was awful, then we had the problem of him only paying his share of bills, he did not want to help with expenses such as groceries, etc., he felt he did his share by paying half the bills. He went to restaurants with his leftover money and I cooked dinner at home for my daughter and I.
I began to feel more like a landlord than a wife, pressuring him to cough up "rent" (his share of expenses).
Finally I got sick of it and handed it over to him.
He became a changed man.
I think it depends on how high functioning they are. My husband is a very high functioning professional and he actually does have an image and reputation to uphold. If a man is already a deadbeat and irresponsible, then having money to control probably is not going to help that much. But, it may transform him.
My ESH is that treating husbands like our children is never a good thing. If they have a controlling mother it is easy for them to fall into that roll and they may go along with it, but it seldom has good results. Like any other adult child, they WILL FIND A WAY TO ASSERT THEIR INDEPENDENCE and often for adults that means getting into trouble such as alcholism.
