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One of my biggest cravings and resentments with the A was that when I was sick he was like well gone. I have spent a lot of time just sitting stewing in resentment that he does not want to know when I am sick. If I am honest he doesn't much want to know when I am well either unless it is something he can take advantage of.
He continually does this thing of taking superb care of his friends. I went out to the truck the other night and found he was charging the cell phone for a friend of his. He goes to any lengths for some stranger but can't even pick up the phone for me Lately when he calls, which he does when he NEEDS something, I have started to set the kind of limits he does on me all the time. I work at night so I have asked him not to call me during the day. Naturally he is furious that I could be fit enough to set any limits.
Working towards not needing him is such hard work. I probably spent far more time trying to get him to take care of me than just simply doing the job myself. This week I have been ill and he is still oh why didn't you get this and this and this. Today it was the milk. Well em I am in bed sick. All there is his needs. He cannot see, hear believe any one but his friends has any needs.
I spent literally years begging him to give me a few scraps. Now I am taking care of me and yes that does mean I didn't get the milk, so what. I have a cough and that needs attending to. I have asthma and I don't much want to spend the winter using inhalers.
If I did not have al-anon I would not only be sick but I'd be stewing in resentment that he is totally oblivious and what's more really does not care how I am.
I remember one time I got really really sick and my hubby made me a hot tottie. I was so happy that he was taking care of me. So he made me this drink, and well I am not a drinker, so one coffee cup full and I fell asleep. The next thing I know the kids are waking me up because they are hungry and daddy isn't there to fix them something to eat. He took off to help the neighbor. I was hot and it wasn't just the fever.
Hope you are feeling better soon.
Yours in recovery,
Mandy
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
I'm so sorry you're not feeling well. You sound strong in spite of it. Your AH sounds like mine, I used to lay it on thick that I was sick, etc. and all he did was complain about how I was sick all of the time (which I wasn't really). He is Mr. Nice Guy and ever helping, also to all of his friends and everyone else. It seems like Jekyll and Hyde sometimes.
I am beginning to learn to not expect much from him. I wish you were here and I would come over and make you some tea and put a blanket on ya!
I so know what you mean about them being oblivious to our needs. The last time he was sick I was sick right along with him. He didn't have me to lean on to help out, and I didn't lift a finger in the house. I had soup, Gatorade, and crackers. My kids got their dinner, baths, and as much cuddle time as I could muster up. In the past that was often the case. He'd want to be pampered and babied and when it was my turn I was expected to continue doing all the normal things. No more... when I'm sick now I know its because my immune system is low and I need to rest and take care of me. If I stay sick longer that means more time off work, I lose time with the kids, etc. Now I'll ask the A to help out, if he doesn't it will wait until I'm strong enough to do. So the dishes may pile up along with the laundry, and the vacuuming and floors don't get cleaned, its dirt that can wait. Be good to you regardless of what he gives to others, because you are worth it. Get better soon.
Hugs,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
When we are sick, it is harder not to stew in those resentments of "If only he'd..." You are doing well, keep concentrating on you -- and getting better from this cold.
I know how much it hurts to watch them do for others what they won't do for those who are closest to them. There is no making sense of it. I just know that my A tends to feel "Okay" if others think he's a "Good Guy." If you can, think of it as their insecurity...many times I knew my A did things he didn't even want to do or did without himself just to be that "good guy."
There was a time I lived out of coolers because my fridge went out, I was told he couldn't get to it for 4 days. Yet he took off work, drove over hour to work on an outside faucet of a friend that was dripping. What can I say?.....you aren't alone
Maresie stay in bed all weekend if you need to. Build your immune system up again so you are fighting fit for your interviews . I have a friend who suffers badly with asthma and swears by apple cider vinegar. Just try taking a teaspoon at a time it may help. (()) Luv Leo xx
