The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
A few of you know, 2-3 nights ago, my mom had a major problem. It effected me deeply. I believe I did the right thing, all I could. She's been talking about suicide a lot these last few weeks, I know how it feels, I've had ideations for over 25 yrs now. Suffering from depression, acting rashly is one thing, talking about plans is a new level of the thing.
I'm the type that will do research on an endeavor. I'm more violent & self-destructive than my mom, maybe it's b/c I've had the 'Blessing' of feeling my emotions & being unable to be numb or in denial. Seeing my mother numb, frozen & unhappy most of my life has taken a toll on me. I continually reach out & burn my hand but I've always loved her so... I can't make her perceive her own value or self-worth, just like no one can do for us, it is our journey, our subjective life, our experience/perception.
Well, I'm not writing what I wanted to... I'll have to post about it in detail but in a nutshell my mom tried to OD & I called 911. Little happened. I did talk to her today & it was, "I don't need pills to die." Okay, one can be in an institution & hang themselves with their bed sheets (UGH).
I hope & have been praying a lot for her. She's been througha lot, I can't imagine her giving up, she was the one in denial with the happy front... being depressed, expressing it & suffering in misery was a role I clawed through. I was in so much pain but I hung on ~ & when I couldn't God wouldn't take me. Maybe we do have so many breaths & it is divine intervention.
I'd like to post the story, just so tired tonight. I hope she can see her value & love herself, just as I hope for myself.
more later, -KoL
-- Edited by kitty at 21:49, 2006-10-06
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
My mother tried to commit suicide by OD. My brother tried several times to commit suicide (and failed each time). My daughter tried to commit suicide by OD once.
Each of these experiences have affected me deeply. How can an event like these not affect us?
The hardest lesson I learned through these events was the fact that I have absolutely no control over what anyone else does.
I wanted to shake them so that they would see how beautiful they are. I wanted them to see how life can be managed - and not be so painful so they had to try to kill themselves. I wanted them to stop hurting themselves.
They hated me for calling 9-1-1. My mother and brother are now in nursing homes and are not able to hurt themselves anymore...(they are old and are now suffering from their lives before the nursing home - and have suffered complications from their life before - e.g., mini-strokes, epileptic seizures, etc.) I know that they are still depressed, but they are cared for and safe.
My daughter's attempted suicide seemed to have been brought on by a combination of A/drugs and lack of food. The doctors who evaluated her made sure she ate properly while she was in teh psych ward after her attempt - then released her. Scared me - but it turned out that food and water really made a difference with her. (Plus she's been clean and sober that last 11 months.)
I went through all sorts of emotions. I was hurt. I was angry. I was scared. I was helpless to do anything else (other than call 9-1-1 and pray the professional were able to help them).
I learned that the only thing I was able to do was to love them.
(((()))Kitty anything you do I know will be the most that you can give. The rest is up to your Mum. Hope she can get out of the black hole she is in to recognize what a truly loving daughter she has to support her. Luv Leo xx
I am so sorry about your mom. Ironic though that dark mood seems to be very much in place in my world too. Seems everyone around me is depressed and at the end of their rope. When I went to my mother with my pain and sorrow this week I got burned too. This is so normal for her. She has no compassion for me. So I went to a friend not in program and I got burned there also. No one can understand the desperate pain one feels when they have given up hope unless they have been there themselves. I finally came back to my al-anon family and got the understanding that I needed to go forward through the pain and challenges I am facing at the moment.
