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This has been the worst it's ever been between him and me. My husband and I have just entered in the empty nest syndrome as our two youngest have moved on to the next chapters of their lives (our daughter just started college and our son moved to friend's in another state). I wasn't looking forward to an empty nest because I'll miss having the kids around but I also dreaded being alone with my husband. We've been together for about 22 years and he drank when I first knew him. He was known for his drinking. He has been in and out of re-habs, in and out of AA and once he stayed 'sober' for three straight years until a year ago when he drank on 2 occasions in one month. Awful. Absolutely awful. He had to move out (I wouldn't let him stay here, as usual when he drank) but worked his way back in January. We talked a little about it (it was basically me doing the talking) and I told him that he needed some sort of program,that we needed to be able to talk to each other when there's a problem, he needed to be honest, and we couldn't go to bed without trying to solve whatever problem. I noticed that by summer he was falling back into a pattern he developed not long before that - he wouldn't do much around the house anymore, his jobs were few and far between (he would turn down a lot of them), he'd just sit here watching TV or drive around town. It seemed like he wasn't part of the family. Always doing good for others,jumping through hoops for them.I'd try to talk to him about it but he'd just get an attitude. It was really getting to me and the atmosphere around here was tense. I kept my mouth shut because I knew the kids would be leaving soon and I didn't want them leaving with our shouting voices in their heads. But once they were gone, I just kept feeling worse about it all. He seemed more detached and there's no talking to him. I could vent with other people but it didn't help being in here with him. We got into an arguement about a little over a week ago and I have since discovered that he set me up for it. He apparently had secured a motel room (it has a tiny kitchen and tiny bathroom) 2 weeks prior to this fight. He knew he'd be leaving! But there were a few times just before this fight that he'd be nice, give me a hello and goodnight kiss,etc. And the whole time, he knew he'd be leaving! He packed a few things and left while I was at work,leaving a message on the phone that he felt we should be sperated for a while until we calmed down. I was sooooo angry because this is what he's always done - "run" until it blows over. And when he's been gone long enough to feel like it's calmed down and the problem forgotten, he's good again. And I've always complied to spare the stress for my kids' sake (mistake). The day I found out that he had either planned to leave a couple of weeks before OR just wanted a room for the night, I went beserk. I went home for lunch, picked up the phone,called him and proceeded to blast him in a way I have never,ever done in our life together. I mean I screamed at him so loud I gave myself an ear ache and he was screaming at me at the same time. It was absolurely terrible. I verbally ripped the man apart and he was just as bad with me although we were both yelling at the top of our voices at the same time and didn't hear all of what we were saying to each other. I said some really bad things that really hit below the belt (literally) that I wish I hadn't. But it was as though all the years of anger, stress,disgust,torment,torture,sadness,pity - all of it - came out with the force of one helluva volcano. I think I knew it was coming because the kids were gone. It never would've happened if they were home. I have tried to learn about alcoholism for many years,gotten counseling, and meetings. But something snapped. I didn't cry like I usually have ended up doing and it actually felt kinda good. It was just such an awful screaming match and now I feel bad about the really dirty stuff I said. I haven't seen him or heard from him since but the kids hace spoken to him a couple of times and said he doesn't sound like he's been drinking which is what I thought he'd surely do. I just do not know what this man wanted. A friend of mine (she's back in Al-Anon,too) whose husband just went into a year long re-hab, said that her husband behaved in the exact same way as mine. Dishonesty, deceitful,detached from family,etc. I am still feeling bad about that screaming match. The last thing I said ( I left a message on his voice mail because he hung up on me) was that I hoped he had a good frickin' life. On the one hand I don't want to call him because that's probably what he thinks I'll do, but on the other hand I want to apologize for some (only some) of the really nasty things I said. It's really weighing on my mind. Maybe I should just let some time go by. What to do???......jaja
Thanks for your post. It validates my experience somewhat with my AHsober who moved out a year ago. We've been married for over 30 years. My AHsober moved out 3 days after our youngest graduated from high school. He has a history of "geographical moves" since we have been married. Bail out when the heat is on at work or at home.
For myself, it was menopause, empty nest, a son in combat overseas, and hubby saying I want a divorce all in one breath. What surprised me was how heated our arguments became. We yelled at each other like we had never done in 30 years. We said things to each other like we had never said in 30 years. We even pushed each other like we had never, I mean ever, done in 30 years. He says he has kept his mouth shut all these years and now he is going to get angry. I don't get it. I think that he lied about so many things, particularly his feelings for me and our family. When we talk now it is as if I don't even recognize him. I too wanted to keep it low keyed as our sons moved out of the house. But I think that my AHsober was scheming all along for his escape.
I do want to follow the principles of Alanon which say to treat the alcoholic with respect and give him his dignity. I have apologized and so has he on occasion. I can see why Alanon says to focus on ourselves because we become sicker than they are. But I have to accept that this our relationship now. And trust my HP for having a reason for all of this.
The A I live with always bails when things get bad. He does not stay away long. In time your husband will realise he has stuff to deal with and come back and negotiate. Right now the bailing is his emotional statement that he is not willing to deal with them. You can say sorry at a later date. How hard it is to take care of ourselves. I am so accustomed to jumping when the A says "jump". Now I don't do it and I point out his demands and his unfair "rules" of engagement more. He is always working for things to be his way.
It sounds like your fight was about a great deal of pent up frustration and anger. You have a right to be angry. I always rush to make up and have things be on a even keel, as even as they can be when someone is pushing for an early grave. These days I hold back far more from the apologies.
I am so sorry you are going through this. I feel your pain, and have felt your rage. The deceit that the alcoholic pulls is unimaginable. I always believed what my AH said, and found out there were really good lies lurking there.
Our kids have moved out also, and it is so strange. It is just he and I, and he WAS gone for a while, drinking a lot - every night out and the house felt like a tomb. He was sober last year for one full year without a program, and on Jan 10 of this year he was stone drunk, getting worse ever since.
I have been devastated, but more and more this program sinks in, and you begin to change. The rage is not so bad anymore, now the sadness is not so bad anymore. I can get out of that pit of guilt and feeling bad.
Maybe it is good that he is gone for now, you know? Get some space between you and he can think about getting help. I know how hard it is to be with someone for so long (mine is 17 years) that you feel like you cannot live without them. They almost become a part of you. I am learning that he cannot make me happy right now, in his active alcoholism. I have to step back and learn this detachment thing - and take care of myself.
Please come back and read and post. This is such a great place to learn and be supported.
I hate to fight, and it sounds like you do too. Maybe it was good to get out the rage... now you can calm down and do something else. Try to think about something else as hard as it is. Someone told me in a meeting once that she worked out really really hard when she felt rage, and it really helped. I did it, and it does help. It is quite an outlet. Swimming, treadmill, or punching a bag!!! Rage is common with this disease I have found.
Jaja, have a nice weekend and try not to worry too much about him. You are not alone, we have all been where you are at one time or another...
By the way, you are very thoughtful to think about not fighting around your kids. Coming from a couple that fought constantly in front of us before they divorced, I'm sure that will help your kids in the future. No one wants to remember screaming matches between their parents....
