The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My brother is an A. He is 18 years older than I - and is now 68 years old. However, his drinking and drug usage has destroyed his body that he has been "disabled" since 1987. His brain is completely fried. His body is all bent and broken from all the times he blacked out and broke or just laid on his body in a bad position - cutting off the blood supply to those limbs. He's not eaten a proper diet since I don't know when...so he's got all sorts of malnutrion problems.
Last month he fell and couldn't get up. He was taken to the hospital. They ran all sorts of tests on him in the hospital - got him stablized and moved him to a nursing home. He will never be able to live without round-the-clock care ever again.
I went to visit him - and to help go through his things (sort out the trash from the keep). He didn't recognize me. I spent my visit helping him eat his lunch.
I know that I can't control another person's action - and that I only have control over my own actions (and reactions).
I know to turn everything over to my Higher Power...and I have.
BUT - I can't turn off the hurt/anger. I don't want to have these feelings - but there they are. Half the time I don't even know why I am so hurt/angry. Other times I think I know why I'm hurt and angry.
Part of my hurt & anger is being selfish - I didn't get anything that resembled a "normal" family.(So that's a pity party).
I don't know how to explain it...I just know that I feel so very alone. I know I'm not alone - but I feel alone.
I don't know if this makes any sense. I could sure use some ESH.
Hugs and support to you. You are definitely not alone. It sounds like you are very compassionate to your brother and he is in the latter stages of alcoholism. It is okay to feel your anger and hurt, letting it come and easily letting it go is key I think. We are all going to feel these feelings, we are human, but they key is to feel them fully, then let them go. Meditation is a great tool. I haven't been doing much of it, but boy when I do, it calms me so much.
I went to a Buddhist center and had a free lesson. It takes practice and you should probably do it every day (LOL like I do!!) but truly, when you have that time to yourself, your day seems to go much better.
I know the feelings of not having a great family and what I try to remember is that if I would not have gone through what I did with my family, I would not have been this strong of a person. You can have friends that are great family too!
Hello Noni , of course it makes sence , your grieving for what could have been ,should have been . and wasn't . I sincerly hope that u will try al anon meetings for yourself you have been affected by someone elses drinking and u too need to recover. Once settled in our program u are never alone again . There is always someone willing to listen on a bad day , someone will understand exactly how u feel because they have been where your at . they will share thier own recovery with you and show u the way to walk thru this .
I suggest u read all u can on the disease of alcoholism education will help take away some of the anger u are feeling right now. With understanding comes peace and forgivness. This is a very powerful disease and destroys lives as u well know. Take care of you . Louise
I'm so very sorry to hear about your brother's health. And I'm so sorry that you are going through such a tough time.
I can certainly relate to your feelings of hurt and anger. But Alanon has given me hope that I can make it through all of the tough times.
Just keep posting here for ESH...it's such a lovely place to be in times of despair. And remember that you are NOT alone. We are all here with you, to support you.
I, too, struggle with all of those sad-mad-hurt feelings, especially about things that I wish could be different. One thing that has been helping me own my feelings and let them go is to talk to my HP, whom I call God, outloud about EXACTLY where I am at. I go to a quiet spot where I won't be disturbed and I just pour my heart out. I tell my HP what I am mad about, struggling with, and ask for guidance and help. I just let myself ramble and talk, discovering exactly how I feel as I say it. Does miracles for me! My heart is lighter and my burden feels shared.
Lonely they say is from not feeling connected to the universe. So for me I have to reach out and call someone, anyone to get that human connectiveness. For your brother, bless him. They say that some just aren't able to make it and find sobriety. To me acknowledging that you didn't have a great childhood, etc. isn't a pity party because it is true. Staying in it for a long time is a pity party. This too shall pass.
Aloha Noni!! I remember feeling the hurt and anger feelings and I also remember hating feeling them!! The hurt feelings I came to understand was that she was, they were, everyone else had been out to get me and make my life miserable. It was the "poor me" syndrome often and sometimes it was plain old remose for not having life as I would have dreamt it. I learned that if I could learn and practice more, not taking things that happen to me sooooo personally that the hurt feelings would fade. I did and it did also. When it was my family members that I was feeling were hurting me...I came to the understanding that they were human beings with their own choices and consequences and that needn't reflect on me nor should I feel some how shamed and responsible for their consequences.
The anger feelings I hated the most and still do because most of the time it progressed to rage and I would end up acting crazy and feeling "toxic" (rage drunk). Here to I learned that I was/am not responsible for how things go on around me and especially if no one has asked my permission for life to proceed as it does. Some things, not all, happen outside of my beliefs and value system and when they do I get angry..."How double damn dare they" and then I am off to the zoo. My sponsor taught me that I don't have to like what happens at these times and if I don't like the feeling of being angry or rageful....just accept that the event is or has happened and go on with my life. Just accept!! Who would have ever known that the very opposite of anger is acceptance and acceptance carries a consequence of peace and balance of mind, body, spirit and emotions. Goooooo Figure!! It's true for me.
Now that I have had the opportunity to write about what was bothering me (here), and be able to sleep (a little) last night - and be able to keep into mind all of the comments made here - I was able to reflect a bit more.
I have been living away from my family for a LONG time. It's a 5 hour drive, and I have had several surgeries that have kept me from driving. The distance really isolated me from re-visiting all of the feelings I had growing up. So, when I went up to help sort my brother's things and see him in the nursing home - I had to face up to the feelings I didn't feel in a long time.
Thank you for reminding me that these feelings do fade...and reminding me to be more accepting. I have felt that peace in the past - and I do appreciate the reminder that I can feel it again.
I'm so glad that I am able to express my feelings here - and have each of you give me support (your experiences and encouragement).
I am sorry to hear of your brother's condition, and I know it not only makes you angry; it also breaks your heart. Your post tells me that you are a caring person, and that makes your brother lucky to have you. Treat him gently and kindly, and the goodness you display will be returned to you many times over.
All good wishes to you, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I'm sorry about your brother's condition. It's heartbreaking to the people you love in such conditions.
The anger, the hurt, the lonliness is all part of our disease. I look at my sober hubby now and still find the anger and resentment creeping in once in a while. I think about the time, money and more importantly the emotional toll this disease has taken on all of us. Like Nancy has said, it's okay to have those feelings. Acknowledge that they are they and then let go of them. If you can't then you are wallowing.
You are a kind, caring and loving human being. Your brother is lucky to have you. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I think nothing hurts us so much as the disease of alcholism. It's this feeling of helplessness--this feeling of "What are you doing to yourself?!" "Do you see who you really are?!"
If you don't have it already, I strongly recommend you get the AA copy of "The Big Book," and the AA "Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions." They explain in great detail how the thinking of alcholism and the disease affects the person, and how only complete honesty can help a person.
I also recommend you get a copy of last month's AA grapevine, and look up "Michael's Story." You'll feel so relieved when you read it.
Noni: I don't know about you but I had huge fantasies that my younger sister would at some point turn around her alcoholism. Talk about denial. I really felt when my mother died that T my younger sister would get sober and be the sister I never had. I have had fleeting moments of that. She did talk to me about some of the abuse we endured. That was worth a great deal to me.
Then she reverted right back to her alcoholism. I have had to take a back seat on that. These days I don't talk to her much because I am talking to a bottle.
I have to say its been a long long long long journey for me to get to acceptance. I have also had to acknowledge my limits. I have a lot of limits around being around someone who is an alcoholic.
Do you? What are the fantasies you have about your brother. What is the reality. You have your own health issues. Do you have people you can share your grief with?
I think there is sometimes a point of no return your brother has reached that. How will it be for you to recognize that. I hope you will put it all out there. You have good reason to be angry.
Do I have fantasies about my brother? Sort of. He used to be a well-known musician. He was a jazz prodigy. I think of my brother when I hear certain music. It brings back memories of my brother playing his sax. So - I re-live a happy memories - and I know that they are gone forever.
I knew that my brother had reached the point of no return a long time ago. It was in 1987, when he sold his sax (and other instruments) for alcohol - then became a recluse- not going out to buy food, etc. I wasn't prepared for him to be hospitalized or put into a nursing home this soon. I wasn't prepared for him to not recognize me this soon. The fact that my brother was "this" bad is the reality that I had to face.
The best person I've been able to share my anger with is my brother's best friend - who was also in the band with my brother for 25 years. I find that we are both angry over the same thing: we can't believe how a person with so much talent would throw it all away and choose to kill himself slowly through drugs and alcohol. So we grieve the loss of a brother, friend and a great musician.
As for my health issues...yes. I need to get them resolved. Right now I am suffering from various issues that I thought were "normal" after having a total hysterectomy. It turns out that my symptoms are not normal post-op. I was just treated for a UTI. I have to go in for an endoscopy to find out why I am having trouble choking and gagging when I try to eat dry foods.
I do have something positive happening in my life...I applied to grad school. Part of the application process is to go in for a grad school interview. That's set up this week. It's giving me something positive to focus on.
Bottom line - do I have more work to do on acceptance? YES! I am so grateful for the support I get from people here to help me that helps.
Like Nancy has said, it's okay to have those feelings. Acknowledge that they are they and then let go of them. If you can't then you are wallowing. 