The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well, after listening to AH last night after he came home again drunk about how:
1. He has stuck with me through the "fat years" (I just lost 30 pounds this year-stress LOL), how come I can't stick with him through his drinking;
2. He has had a plan that he would stick with me until the kids were raised and then he was going to leave me. They are now both moved out. (They are his natural kids, I have raised them with him since they were 2 and 5, now they are moved out 19 and 22). This was a huge shock - he said honestly, but now that he loves me and wants to stay with me. I know it was alcohol talking, but talk about feeling used. Use me to help you raise your kids and then you were going to leave?
I finally went to bed. This morning, I calmly told him that I can't continue this relationship any more. Everything I do is wrong, he loves me, he doesn't, he criticizes, he doesn't. He said "no one has ever loved me like you!" I said, calmly, I don't want to do this anymore. I will wait until after the holidays and then we should sell the house.
Funny thing is I was so relieved. So calm. This is his problem. I am not getting sucked into this drama anymore. I just wish he would leave or I could go somewhere. It is so sad. I thought our love would be forever, but a HUGE barrier is in the way and we all know what that is.
Now, I feel a tad guilty. Why? Why, after all the stuff the disease has done this year do I feel the need to apologize or take back what I have said. I do feel strong. I know I will be okay without him now. I am not so traumatized and fearful, thanks to this board, you guys, and this program. Maybe he will get help, maybe not. Maybe I won't even want him back if he does get help. I feel empty, in RTexas's words, "my spirit has been broken". I just don't care anymore.
Just wondering, anyone know anyone that has had successful sobriety with "Celebrate Recovery"? There are a few meetings through the churches here in Colorado and I suggested it to him when he asked about any program but AA. Right now I don't have much hope he will seek anything, but just wondering.
That doesn't sound like blah to me. Sounds like you have made a decission after looking the reality of your situation. Nobody can make you feel guilty about that.
All any of us can do is search out what is right for us based on our own reality. I too often base my version of reality on what if...
But I am learning and watching for what my next right thing to do is.
I am impressed by your courage to be honest with him. That takes a lot of strength!
Keep taking care of you! You deserve it!
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
First things first is a good slogan and one my sponsor worked a long time with me. First things first really was get to a lot of meetings, sit down, listen...don't talk, and learn from those making changes in their lives and then...practice what they are doing. It was hard at first and then I learned to do it. Practicing what others were doing that helped change their negative situations was different than what I was doing that didn't work for on thing and then my life started to change for the better because I was doing something different.
One of the different things (first things) was taking my focus off of the alcoholic and putting it squarely upon myself. When I was able to do that I started to find some very necessary first things to change the very first one was of course ... ME. How strange a program this became. When I change me for the better...my life gets better regardless of what the alcoholic was doing, even drinking or not.
Might be that meetings, literature, steps, traditions, sponsor, slogans etc, might be the best first thing than doing a geographical?
I am right where you are. But it's so different reading someone elses stuff. The one thing that hits me with your post is this:
"Just wondering, anyone know anyone that has had successful sobriety with "Celebrate Recovery"? There are a few meetings through the churches here in Colorado and I suggested it to him when he asked about any program but AA. Right now I don't have much hope he will seek anything, but just wondering."
From what I am reading, your focusing on him and not you. Ending the relationship or threatening to, I have found, doesn't get them to rehab or AA or any other form of sobriety.
If you want to leave for yourself and your sanity...do that. If you want to leave to punish him, you will feel the guilt you are feeling. I don't know what you've studied, but the book "Getting them Sober" has helped me.
My A drinks and I feel like you...but I need to let him work it out between himself and his HP. I need to work out my own stuff with my HP...Like why do I stay? And why do I feel guilty?
You and I both know the things he said to you were disease talking. And if you think about it...the things you said to him were your disease talking. Don't let "co-dependant" guilt step into the picture...He is the one who should feel guilty for saying what he did. You just defended yourself.
But maybe you can try to respond to him in ways that won't leave you feeling the guilt. Like saying "I'm sorry you feel this way, I need to sleep on this and discuss it tomorrow". That leaves him time to sober up and you time to ponder without reacting.
I hope you have a different perspective. It's so hard. We all deserve to treat ourselves better.
I moved away from the As in my family - and even kicked my adult A/Drug user daughter out of the house for my own sanity.
I knew I couldn't change them or force them to seek help. I wished I could, but knew I couldn't.
I also knew that I couldn't be told repeatedly that I was the "cause" of their addiction. I couldn't be blamed for their actions any more. I wasn't the person forcing them to drink/use.
When I left - I didn't threaten. I just set my own boundaries - then held to my own boundaries.
It doesn't mean I didn't feel or hurt. It just meant I was able to live life without the drama and hate/anger/violence my As brought into my house.
You're not ! You sound strong, serene and sure of yourself. You have come a long way since you first came to this board. Good for you!
Remember dear one: love has nothing to do with addiction. It's not that they don't love us, the addiction has them in its grip and won't let go. It doesn't give a about family, friends, feelings, anything except getting that next fix.
I felt guilty when I asked hubby to leave for the last time. But I had too. It was a matter of survival. I still do once in a while when I look at him now. Here he is sober and doing okay, how could I have done that too him? You know what? I did it because I was adamant about taking my life back. I remind myself of what it was like when he was active. Not going to live that life again. You are probably grieving for what was. The man you married, the relationship you had. That's okay. It's like a death in the family.
I do know recovering As who have done it without AA. My father-in-law for one. It comes down to the person. I hope he does seek recovery. Regardless if he does or doesn't, your recovery has to be about you. Keep working it!
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I think what you're talking about is something I know alot of us "good girls" wrestle with:
good girls are selfless--no matter what, they are 2nd in every situation
good girls "stand by their man"--be he daddy, brother, husband, uncle, he is MAN, and he is "good", no matter what
good girls shine to their potential, but never to a point that they out shine the men in their lives--this one doesn't hold as much as it used to, I mean, look at how many CEOs we have who are women. Andrea Merkel was named FORBES most powerful person in the world today. But at the same time, at least in my alcholic dysfunctional family, it was emphasized to me that I wouldn't have anything if it hadn't have been for dad
At a certain point, I think it's okay to question our thinking. To me, that's a core mission of Al Anon. What thinking to I need? What thinking isn't working? What thinking do I need to let go of? What thinking has caused me problems over time?
So much for all of your replies. Different perspectives put a whole new light on things. Jerry and Kicky, you are right, I am still focusing on him, he makes my moods change whatever he does. Thanks for pointing that out. I do need more face to face meetings and begin to LISTEN, and change me. Thank you!!!
Karilynn, you are always so wonderful and supportive. I think of Pipers when I see my little Yoyo, stretching her arms out and relaxing. I want to begin to have Yoyo days like you have Piper Kitty days!!!! Thanks....
! You sound strong, serene and sure of yourself. You have come a long way since you first came to this board. Good for you! 
about family, friends, feelings, anything except getting that next fix.
