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my 2-yr-old daughter woke up by boyfriend this morning, looking for her blanket ... i sat up to see him holding her shoulders and saying directly to her face in a nasty tone of voice "you will be dead!" or something like that (i'm so freaked out at the moment i'm having problems remembering what's gone on this morning and since then!! trying to hold on though.) i told him at that moment "get out of the house! NOW!" i've always told him, my daughter comes first before anything and everything, he agreed to that. we've talked about the sanctity of children so many times, he's a Native American "pipe carrier" which means he's sworn his very flesh and spirit to protecting the children of the next 7 generations including this one. so for him to be so angry that he'd threaten to kill a toddler, i know he is WAY OUT of control!!!
i locked us in our room for a long time, with the cellphone, to keep safe. later he slipped a note under the door, a sort-of-kind-of apology. i felt concerned and watchful but quiet, my usual "wait and see" before making any big decisions, i just wanted to make sure he apologized to her directly (she had cried and cried, i checked her shoulders and she's not bruised, but she was scared by his tone of voice and the look on his face i'm pretty sure). then i wanted to make sure it's not going to happen again before i decide if he stays.
all he keeps saying is how he's not responsible, even if he gets out of bed, if he's anywhere near sleep that it's a "disability." then he started talking about how any of his friends would say that they'd only need to hear "i'm sorry" twice at the most, and how every psychiatrist and psychologist he's ever seen tells him he's not responsible for what he does if he's triggered, and how insanity is a legal defense in the U.S. states - i'm like, WTF are you bringing all of that stuff up for??????? i am a mama who's scared for her child, i got out of an abusive relationship to protect her from her own father, and now the man who she calls daddy tells her he wants to kill her because she woke him up and he's NOT RESPONSIBLE???????? am i going insane??????????
I am glad everyone is ok... Nobody has any excuse to scream death threats at a 2 year old. That is absurd.
I can't tell you what to do, and I am not going to tell you what I would do if I saw some guy doing that. I guess I have less compassion for men who act like jerks than women.
Please take care of yourself and your daughter.
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Wow that’s scary, I can’t tell you what to do I asked for advice today on my post and was given some harsh responses I suggest you read mine it’s under need advice. I can only say I was not able to have children and it breaks my heart you need to protect your child all I have is a Cat.
Not taking responsibililty for their actions is common in A's - drunk or not. I would be more concerned about the stuff that came out later on, honestly- insanity is a legal defence, all that. Sounds like he's setting himself up so that nothign is ever his fault. Don't know how much you have invested in this relationship, but I would do some serious thinking as to how much I wanted someone who couldn't just apologize and then shut up, in my life.
Get yourself and that child out of there! I don't know how any mother could spend another minute in the company of anyone who would threaten her child with death. Good Lord, help us. Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Perhaps you need to think about things you are saying...
You say that you told him that your daughter comes first...comes first then what? His actually killing her? He has threatened, and terrorized her and here you are talking about his being a "pipe carrier", it seems to mean more to you than to him.
How does your daughter "come first"? You have let a grown man bully, terrorize, and threaten your toddler child...and no matter what you say you CONTINUE to let this man live with your toddler...you allow her tormentor to live in her home.
You say she calls him "Daddy". Well, that is natural if you live with this man. What does that mean for HIM!?
For most men who move in with their girlfriends, kids "come with the territory" and have to be tolerated and they know they must give a good show of being able to tolerate it. That does not mean anything about this man's true committment to your daughter's well being.
Just because you love him does not mean he will love your daughter, tolerating her to get the benefits of living with you is not the same as love.
You say you left her father for being abusive...I assume to you...just to let someone abusive to your daughter move in with you...and your daughter has no choice in the matter...she cannot "get away" but is at your mercy to protect her or not.
Threatening to kill a todler is quite serious emotional abuse. Toddlers are just learning about their environment and about the world and having her impressionable young mind learn that adults are bullies waiting to kill her is quite likely to leave permanant emotional scars. Just read some of the posts here about people who grew up with their Mom's abusive boyfriends to learn about how serious and long lasting this problem is.
You must love him a lot to put up with this, but ever consider loving him from a distance and protecting your daughter from his severe emotional abuse? Date him if you must, but keep him away from your daughter.
Just my ESH.
I too left a very abusive husband when my daughter was very young (4 months old). I took many many years to heal and give my daughter some room to grow and develop away from any CHANCE of abuse from any other males in my life. Sure I dated and had male friends, but I kept most of them away from her until years had gone by and I was absolutely sure of their suitability to be around her.
I did not remarry (or live with anyone, or seriously date anyone) until she was 8 years old, and I did not let my boyfriend (now husband) to even meet her until we were engaged and I knew him for two years and knew well what kind of person he was. I never regretted those years free of abuse when we were able to heal.
I hope you think hard about what you MEAN when you say "you put your daugther first" he probably does not know what you mean either to behave in this way towards a toddler.
In the past month, in the area where I am from, two boyfriends of women with toddlers/babies have killed those children while in a rage about the infants crying or not sitting still, etc.
These guys were remorseful; their families say they know he would "never do such a thing and must have snapped." Regardless of WHY these guys did the unthinkable, they should never have been afforded the opportunity. Allowing a boyfriend to live with you and your baby is taking a chance that he might not love her as much as you do, that he might, in fact, find her a burden to himself, to your relationship, etc. It is certainly not uncommon at all for these live-in situations to end in tragedy.
I know that advice is not to be given here but this goes beyond the usual. Your boyfriend needs to leave and leave immediately. If this situation gets into the attention of neighbors or others who may find out, you may find yourself in an investigation by childrens' protective services. All it takes is someone reporting this to them. You could lose your child in a heartbeat because in their eyes you have failed to protect her. Sorry, but that is reality.
When you say things like "Get out NOW" you must mean them and stick to it. Otherwise it means nothing. What is more scary to me then anything is him basically admitting he is insane. Who knows what the next "trigger" will be.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
No hun, you are not going insane...he is. I held off replying to this post as I found it very disturbing. However, my concern is such I just wanted you to hear my views. We are not meant to give advice so here is my opinion. There is NO way you can ever be CERTAIN this or something like it will NEVER happen again. I feel he has crossed the line. I don't have children but know in my heart if I did this would be a deal-breaker. I'm assuming the only reason you're considering letting him stay is because you're in shock and possibly denial.
You're childs safety is paramount. The fact you were sufficiently afraid to lock both of you in a room with a cell phone is extremely alarming to me. Personally, I would not risk having anything more to do with him especially as he seems to be 'building a defence' already.
It is my personal belief that A's may not be entirely responsible for their behaviours but that does not excuse them or prevent them from being held accountable. Also, in my experience, many A's will distort information provided by health professionals and such-like to further justify their behaviour or manipulate situations to their advantage.
I view this as an attack on your daughter. If it were a stranger, what would you have done? As for being ''not responsible'' anywhere near sleepy WELL that just blows my brain!!!! If he is unwilling to accept responsibility for his actions then I believe unequivocably when it comes to your daughters safety and well-being then you have to.
I write this as a child of a dysfunctional family. I believe it was A'ism but it was the elephant in the living room. I was never physically abused but believe me, even so, more than enough damage was done. Please, please do not put your child in the situation where she may need professional help and recovery programs later in life because you failed to protect her from what you could.
I don't want this to sound harsh or uncaring but in my opinion the only thing to consider is how quickly you can get him out of your home without further jeopardising yourself or your daughter not whether he should stay and with what conditions.
i live in a boarding house, it's actually partly a safehouse for women leaving abusive relationships, i met my A boyfriend here (he's a friend of the landlord) so i can kick him out of my/our room, but not the house itself. **i DID kick him out.** he slept on the couch last night, not sure if he'll take the one empty room or get out entirely. so i have to deal with him at least during the day. he apologized directly to the babe, and they're very bonded/attached so he spent yesterday interacting with her, keeping things normal for her, neither of us wanted to traumatize her further.
he swears it's a sort of "sleepwalking" incident, that he's not responsible for what he does in or near sleep because he's a child abuse survivor who was hurt at night in his bed. well, i'm also a child abuse survivor, was hurt at night in my bed ... and i don't lash out at other people about it!!! i maintain that people are either inherently violent or they are inherently peaceful.
i'm trying to figure out if this is a one-time aberration, or is it something A's have a problem with forever (taking responsibility)? i'm also calling around for help as much as possible, the shelters are full as usual and i'm still on the housing waiting list i signed up for when i moved here 9 months ago, they're still saying it's 2 years minimum.
i'm contacting the landlord, she's out of the country, but to let her know what's up. she's known him for a long time. she can kick him all the way out of the house if she wants to.
SITUATION CHANGED ok he broke up with me after grilling me about what who i was talking to on here and what was being said. but he won't leave the house!!!! wants to stay upstairs. i'm emailing the landlord asking her for help, she's out of the country but can tell him to get out. i'll update when i can ...
I am a little confused as to why an abusive alcoholic man is being allowed to live in a safehouse for women leaving abusive relationships? You may want to look in the yellow pages for a different source of shelter.
Your situation just breaks my heart. I have two children of my own the youngest is two years old and oh so innocent as I believe most two year olds are. It is up to us to look out for their best interest and keep them from harm. Your A could hurt her and she would still love him and believe his behaviour to be normal as she knows no different. Please keep her away from him...I agree with many of the other posts(he is making excuses). It sounds as tho you do not have many housing alternatives for now but you can eliminate the interaction between the two of them.
Take care...prayers are with you and your sweet little girl
it's hard to reply, i'm not sure what to say ... this was an isolated incident but then you kind, helpful people are assuming he's an "abusive alcoholic" so i just wanted to say, it's not a pattern. it happened once and i'm trying to figure out if it's something As do, or As who are also ACOAs, or just plain weird.
i've been in DV relationships before and i know what to look for, all the red flags. that's why i freaked out so badly and got the cellphone ... learned that being around my ex :(
he moved out of our room, but not the house. i said NO WAY does he sleep with us because of his problem is related to sleep or near-sleep, if he can't control it, he IS, IS, IS responsible for his actions. i went into quiet, "watch very carefully" mode, patiently. he spent appropriate time apologizing to the babe, in my presence spent time with her (regular bonding stuff, shopping or going to the park), i watched her VERY carefully, she was genuinely happy. he took responsibility, he showed appropriate behavior. the caveat is, he doesn't know WHY he didn't do that *right away*, other than he said it triggered his issues. that's not my problem.
status quo for now. if it was happening outside of sleep/sleepwalking, he'd be in jail. even so, if it happens again, i'm just dialing 911 first, asking questions later. but i've been studying sleepwalking disorders, and i myself also sleepwalk and sleeptalk, i have entire conversations i don't remember later ... difference is, i don't say abusive things. i hope i'm making sense, late-night posting!! thank you all for caring so much and answering all my questions. it is a little hard with some of the assumptions but i'm always glad to give more details, i know it's hard helping online strangers, you know?
oh duh, i guess the most important update is that my babe is safe, and i'm keeping her safe. the status of the relationship is up in the air. we do love each other and want to be together, but if we can't, we can't. he's not an abuser per se, as in there is a pattern or a mindset that he has. but he does have problems taking responsibility for his actions. i have no idea where we're going. i'm literally taking it one day at a time, sometimes one HOUR at a time. {{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}} thank you all so much for your words and prayers! it helps me to hold on, knowing i have a safe place to come and talk and ask questions.
