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Hi....it's me again. Long time absent, trying to deal with things, trying to separate from her issues, becoming optimistic, being disappointed....becoming realistic....?
My a partner hasn't had a drink to my knowledge since April when she was arrested at our home. Being the naive ingenue that I was I believed that things would get better without the alcohol. I now realise that the alcohol wasn't the problem, rather a symptom. In many ways things are far worse now in that I am dealing with the same issues but with a person who is stone cold sober. Admittedly the "incidents" are less frequent now but they flash up out of the blue.
We have been getting on pretty well for about 3 weeks I suppose but this latest episode erupted out of a totally innocuous (to me) situation and, although in its way less major than previous times, has left me feeling far more pessimistic than ever before.
She admits to having huge unresolved issues arising from her life prior to meeting me, issues which she is only now recognising, however all too often I seem to be the focus or the catalyst to setting her off. I feel I am now at a series of forks in my road.
One route is to continue what I am doing, taking things one day at a time, accepting that she will have bad days, continuing to be there for when she feels more able to deal with "us" as opposed to "her" and trying to offer ways forward. The alternate path is to detach totally (within the confines of the home), get on with my life and deal with what little she may be able to offer as and when she may offer it. As I see it, further on down this path there lies a second fork. One path, I still care about her and us, the other I stop.
Occasionally I will see flashes of the woman I fell in love with. All too often however I am presented with a person I no longer know. There is so much resentment. Resentment that she has to travel an hour to a meeting because the local meetings are "no use to her". Resentment that my children still see their mother whereas her son's father is dead. Resentment that she travels an hour to her work each day because she can't get a job closer. Resentment that I called the police that led ultimately to her arrest, although she arranged that wholly on her own. Resentment that I don't go to Alanon meetings and clearly therefore are wholly unable to help according to her. Resentment that she can't drink.
All of this bitter resentment is now described at huge length by a totally sober woman as opposed to a drunk that would eventually black out. The tirades repeat so often that I could describe them for her. The only issue I could address would be to attend Alanon but I do believe that if I did she would find something to resent out of that. She accuses me of not listening and yet regularly takes things that I say totally out of context to the extent that she clearly doesn't listen to me. Don't get me wrong. I am not perfect however I know for a fact that it is not I that raises the issues. If I need to get something off my chest I come to you guys. It is not I that made her into an alcoholic. It is not I that made her first husband run off with her best friend and much later commit suicide. It is not I that made her second husband drink himself to death.
I can be annoying, but in a "normal" relationship, small arguments are just that, god knows I have been there! But in a relationship with an alcohlic, especially one that doesn't drink, every small misunderstanding becomes this huge issue that threatens to undermine the very fabric of the relationship. She no longer has a sense of humour except on her terms. I am getting to the point where I am beginning to question is it all worth it?
My question therefore is this...
How do you guys deal with an alcoholic that hasn't drunk for 6 months, goes to meetings at least twice a week (one of which she set up herself), holds down a stressful job as a teacher and is so self righteous and holier than thou that you want to throw a bucket of water over them? How do you live, watching everything you say so as not to provoke a "situation"?
All suggestions gratefully received
Phew....thanks for letting me get this off my chest! Peace to you all.
Thanks for posting. Living with an alcoholic was difficult for me (to say the least). Living with an alcoholic in recovery was on some levels better and on others worse! She was sober and having to face the realities of her life for the first time since she was a child...she became someone I did not know as well. Probably someone she didn't know herself, or hadnt seen in a very long time.
After a year of her being in AA I started going to Al-anon meetings. That was the way I dealt with how living with the disease of alcoholism affected me. I learned I really couldn't "deal" with her at all. She was not interested in make "deals" with me. She was having to learn to deal with her own issues.
I felt so abandoned and abused and unappreciated.....and eventually, suicidal. HP got me to al-anon. There I started learning to deal with me. I learned I can't control other people. I learned I didn't cause the other's issues. And I learned I couldn't "fix" others either. That is up to them.
You may know all this already.
Going to al-anon meetings (two a week face to face and as many as I could here in the chat room) has allowed me to deal with my life in an entirely new way. And all thanks to my HP and this program that is has! Though I am divorced now, my life is better now than it has ever been.
I can completely relate to your post. I thought life would be peaches & cream when my A got sober. I didn't go to al-anon. I blamed all of the problems in our life on his drinking. I wanted him to be contrite every second of every day and work doubletime to make up for all the pain he caused me. Didn't work out too well.
In my opinion Alcoholics begin drinking because the "issues" in their life are too hard for them to deal with so they drink themselves into a state of percieved peace. They are like an ostrich with their heads buried in the sand. While they are drinking, none of the problems that provoke the drinking are solved, and a whole slew of drinking related problems arise. When they sober up they often have to work through years of unresolved issue, and deal with all the problems caused by their drinking.
The only way I was able to deal with all the feelings I had was through al-anon. It took at least six months for me to work through all of my own anger. I had to work the steps. I had to acknowledge that I was not perfect. I had to focus on my own mental health and let him concentrate on his mental health.
My favorite logo is "Nothing changes if Nothing changes." We can't rely on our spouses in recovery to be the only ones to change. Sobriety changes everything, inluding us. Now I concentrate on my own happiness. I strive for serenity, and I won't engage in petty arguments (unless I start them, lol). It takes time, and hard work, but it is worth it. Good luck and have patience.
Wow.... been there on both sides. I can relate a lot, but I've already typed up and deleted two replies that didn't say what I really wanted to say and I'm still not sure.
6 months isn't a long time (although it may seem like an eternity!) and if your A stays sober, she will continue to change. A lot of what you are describing are pretty common in early recovery. It does sometimes take a while for the process to work - resentment at not being able to drink being replaced with gratitude for not having to drink.
As to the self righteousness... that's one I understand. Sobriety is hard, and one of the first things a newly sober alcoholic comes to grips with is that he or she alone is responsible for the choice to drink or not. By necessity, the alcoholic has to give up the idea of blaming others -- and this can and does lead to a feeling of martyrdom or self righteousness. For me, it was part of the process anyway.
Mine has not been clean nearly as long as yours but I am experiencing the same thing. I can't believe how similar the stories. Before I felt like I had to take care of everything and that somehow his drug abuse was because of me. Now he blames me for everything. He has called me evil, told me I am a liar, gone through all of my personal items looking for signs of betrayal or an affair, etc. He thinks it is me that has changed. He is making me crazy most of the time. We are headed for marriage counselling. I am not sure that will help but at least I will have an outsiders opinion if it is me or not.
Hang in there. It will get better or it will get worse. Either way the path you should take will become clearer.
My ex-AW is currently over four years sober, goes to meetings at least 3x per week, and shows the same personality traits as you described.... I agree with you, in many ways it has been MORE difficult to deal with, in sobriety, than it was in drunkenness.... My marriage didn't survive, and I'm not sure what was the final straw - the alcoholism, or the recovery!
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
This may sound trite (not intended to be), but the way you handle it is by working our program. The dynamics of living with a sober A vs. an active A are different. I cling to my program more now than ever because hubby is sober. It won't resolve all the issues present in our relationship, but it helps. Perhaps if the 2 of you are willing, maybe joint counceling is a possibility.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
If you can, go to the internet and google dry drunk syndrome. This info really helped me understand were my husband was coming from. I would get this feeling that it felt like when he was drinking but he has been sober for over 20 years. They are underdeveloped emotionally. What I am going thru with my husband now is way more difficult than any drunken episode.
This is why they tell us to focus on ourselves and our own recovery program. It isn't about us but we are sometimes their scapegoat. There is always hope. And we don't have to make any decision until we are ready.
Hello Mike , u deal with a sober alcoholic the same way u did a wet one. You work your program , detach with love , keep boundaries firmly in place . accept no abuse for any reason and keep the focus on your own needs . This works drunk or sober , using this program has improved every relationship I have , by allowing people to be who they need to be.
Live and let live works , I don't have to like whats going on but I do have to accept that I cannot change other people. today i have choices to continue the relationship or not.
Walking on egg shells is not an option for me today , I am done. Nothing I do or say will cause another person to go drink .
As long as I remember to say what I mean , mean what I say but don't be mean when I say it I am showing respect for myself and the other person . I have to stay out of thier recovery the method they choose is thier business not mine.
I only have the right to choose the method of recovery for me. New sobreity is diff for everyone , I will not allow myself to be used or abused in the name of recovery. Louise
My adult daughter has been clean and sober for 11 months now.
I noticed that whenever she goes into one of her tirades - it's due to an issue that she doesn't know how to handle. Things that are common sense to me - are HUGE issues to her. She's scared - and that's obvious to me.
I allow her to vent - then I sift through her tirade to find out what the real issue is that she doesn't know how to handle. Then I help her look approach the issue in a problem solving fashion.
She still gets into a tirade that won't end if she feels that there is absolutely no way to deal with the issue - OR - if it's taking too long for an issue to be resolved. All I do with her on these is to remind her to have patience, or that she's doing a good job.
Unfortunately the addiction provides instant gratification - where life isn't that way. Sometimes we have to wait for gratification.
You know I think sometimes I just get caught up in the chaos. I thrive on it. Now that my A has been out of the house for a month I look back and try to remember when was the last time that I actually LIKED him as a human. When I wasn't just going through the motions or remembering (clinging to) some long passed time that was still full of passion and hope. I am going to waste my life away being nice and trying to avoid hurting feelings. Chaos doesn't work for me anymore but this isn't working either. He is definitely dry more than wet but I am not sure I like the dry him anymore than I do the drunk.
She still gets into a tirade that won't end if she feels that there is absolutely no way to deal with the issue - OR - if it's taking too long for an issue to be resolved. All I do with her on these is to remind her to have patience, or that she's doing a good job.
Unfortunately the addiction provides instant gratification - where life isn't that way. Sometimes we have to wait for gratification.
You really hit the nail on the head. She is experiencing these ups and downs precisely because she IS making progress. I know in that situation, I was often frustrated, "When does this get better?" was a frequent complaint. The recovery program may be simple, and you hear that a lot... but you'll never hear anyone say it's easy. I'd be suspicious of anyone that seemed to be having too easy & breezy of a time getting sober!
For me, the physical aspects of quitting drinking were over with quickly - I didn't have much in the way of cravings after a few weeks. It was the living sober part that took (and is still taking) a long time. Rest of my life, as a matter of fact.
