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I have been going to face to face meetings for about 6 months now..I am trying to work my program and I do see changes. But I was wondering has anyone had problems when you start to recover in dealing with the A in your life? My A is sober and has been but at best he is not actively working a program and he will admit that..He gets into these cycles of depression and negativity and while I can deal with it better( meaning I dont start a fight). I can let him be to a point but I am really starting to question whether or not I need to get separated or have some space between us.. Does that make sense or has anyone went through this? Its like I am getting better so I am feeling like what am I doing in this relationship where the other person is miserable 50% of the time? I feel like I just don't want to be around him and dread when he comes home..IF anyone has advice I would appreciate it! I can go about my business and do my things with our son and friends but I am thinking why? I want to do things with the person I love and while we can do this at times its just not consistent..
Welcome to MIP!! My situation is somewhat similiar I've been in recovery for over a year now, posting here on this website, working with a sponser on the steps, and going to face to face meetings when ever I can. I am getting healthier as well and the healthier I get the more things in my life become unacceptable that once was acceptable or I just put up with because I did not give myself worth to say no or its not o.k. My A is not drinking right now and is not working a program. He can be happy but its only for short snipets of time. I do a great deal of things on my own with the kids. He either works, stays home, or sleeps. I can understand your feeling of wanting the A to want to be a part of your life and the kids lives. What I've noticed about my A is that he often feels uncomfortable with life unaltered by drugs and alcohol. So if he's not drinking and he's not stoned some places he just can't go to. He doesn't have the motivation for life the way I do or the kids do. I hate wasting the day I'd rather do fun things, cook, clean, shop, whatever to get the most of my time in a day, but not him. Its hard being with someone who has a completely different attitude of life. It is all what you are willing to accept and not accept. I am learning to do things on my own with the kids or without them that make me happy. Lately I have been able to enjoy the things we do together easier because I've already given myself my time. I do believe that part of recovery is learning to be content and happy with or without our A's. Unfortunately a great deal of the time we will be without them. I think emotionally they are just not able to give and that includes being present in life the way others are. Having this disease and learning to live life is so difficult, but without program or counseling it can be almost unbearable. It is not my place to tell my A how to get recovery, he has to choose that all for himself. One day he may feel that he wants to give the program another chance. Hope this helped in some way.
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I am always hearing the promises of recovery is that we will be happy, joyous and free regardless of whether the A is drinking or not. Also, it helps to have a sponsor.
I'm glad to hear that you're sticking with the program and that you're working it. I'm also glad to hear that you're feeling better. What you're talking about is that "I'm changing; why isn't the world around me changing?" And the reality is that there was life before al anon; there is a (better) life with al anon; and should you ever leave there is a (very difficult) life after al anon. People will only change of their own volition; even the weater changes when the conditions are ripe for it. We change when we need to, and we look for changes to be made when we feel good about making them.
Your alcholic may never reach a bottom. Until then, if he ever bottoms out, keep taking care of you. ODAAT.
Sometimes a person (AA or Alanon) will enthusiastically embrace the program from the get go and want all they can get. For others of us, we wait until the pain gets bad enough to motivate us to take the next step forward. I've tried it both ways, most of us are somewhere in the middle of the extremes. I learned through repetition that I can take steps before the pain becomes unbearable. Even for those who are gung-ho, there are setbacks. At this point in my life, testing myself to see how much pain I can take isn't my hobby anymore - there is enough pain going around without miring myself in it, when I know what to do. I try to not get in the cycle of moving only when there is pain, and then stopping my work once the pain eases.
We talk about balance in life, but like riding a bicycle - the way to stay in balance is to keep moving forward. If you stand still, the bike falls over.
This program does not promise to save marriages, only to save lives and sanity. You may be coming to realize that the marriage is not good for you, and, although that is a hard thing to know, it's better to be aware of your needs than just stuffing them, for your whole life. Take your time, and wait and see what message your HP is sending you.
The only thing Alanon can "fix" is you if you want it to.
The more I have grown in the program, the less my husband likes it. If I am as sick as him, he is more comfortable in the horrible cycle.
Alanon has not made my marriage better. It has made me better. It has made me realize that I deserve to be happy, that I deserve peace and sanity.
My husband blew up not too long ago, telling me that he hadn't changed, that I was the one who changed. He strted screaming that he was not going to change and that I had better deal with it or forget it.
I calmly told him that he was right, that I am no longer willing to take his abuse, that I am no longer willing to be his doormat, that I realize that I am special and deserve more.
It went over like a ton of bricks.
He went back to his enabling, interfering Mother and I am with our children. For now there is some peace. Every few days he calls and rants on the answering machine about how he is going to get a lawyer and fix me. I just erase the message.
Alanon has taught me that I have no control over what he does, but I do not have to take it. I do deserve more, and while I am saddened and hurt that it has come to this, I am at peace knowing that the kids and I are ok.
lin0606 wrote: This program does not promise to save marriages, only to save lives and sanity. You may be coming to realize that the marriage is not good for you, and, although that is a hard thing to know, it's better to be aware of your needs than just stuffing them, for your whole life. Take your time, and wait and see what message your HP is sending you.
