The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been a regular in f2f Alanon for a while now, and I've been sober in AA for about twice as long. I feel I am accepted equally in both programs, and I know a number of people who belong to both.
I credit my childhood exposure to Alanon with some advance knowledge of where to go when I had enough of my own drinking. I knew the program worked. Fairly early in sobriety, I decided to go to some Alanon meetings. I don't know if I just wasn't ready, but I had the feeling of being in the wrong room - it was very uncomfortable. Not so much that I was not qualified, but when I heard people talking about their alcoholics, it made me feel like a voyeur or eavesdropper.
I had to experience the disease firsthand in a family member once again to bring me back to Alanon... intermittently... but when my non-alcoholic wife dumped me, oddly enough that was what made me truly ready. Even so, it was some time after that before I became truly active in Alanon, began chairing meetings, found a home group, etc.
Every now and then when I speak in an Alanon meeting, I say my name and "I am an alcoholic"... force of habit. I don't overtly advertise that fact, but pretty much everyone I see regularly in Alanon knows. I waffle at times if I should or shouldn't, but the rigorous honesty part of it comes into play. I feel if I'm in an Alanon meeting and I'm talking about alcoholics, I need to footnote the fact that when I use the A word, I'm also talking about _myself_.
I've never felt less than welcome at any Alanon meeting, but I've often wondered if this makes people uncomfortable. In my home town, and in my circle of meetings, it's a non-issue because pretty much everybody knows. But when I go to new, unfamiliar Alanon meetings - which I'm trying to do more often - I end up going through the dilemma all over again. So far, my strategy has been when sharing I don't go out of my way to say I'm (also) an alcoholic, but if the topic leads that way, I will. I don't think the delicate nature of the situation will ever really change, but just curious as to how others feel about it. The last thing I'd want to do is make someone uncomfortable sharing just because there is one of those alcoholics in the room, but at the same time, I am quite sure I am fully qualified for Alanon.
I'd be interested in hearing from others in my situation, as well as non-alcoholics in Alanon how you feel about all of this.
From an oldtimer...Our rooms will never be so full that we will be granted the luxury of hiring a bouncer to police our membership.
I have a home group, chair another group and also attend naranon meetings. In all three groups there are members that are working both sides of the program. Personally I don't have a problem with anyone, regardless of their background, being in a meeting of any kind. In fact there have been many times when an alcoholic has provided some valued information to an Al-Anon group.
I think the important thing is that you are going to meetings and growing in the process. You will come to terms with the Alcoholic part of your life when you are ready.
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
i always look forward to hearing what an aa in alanon has to say in my alanon meetings. i think aa's have a different perspective and i really apperciate their point of view. i think you need to do/say what you are comfortable with but on my end i love hearing from the other "side". in some of my meetings it has actually helped to keep us from getting into a b*tch session and given the new commers some much needed insight.
I honestly have never met a recovering alcholic who does not have al anon issues. And, really, how many al anons have we encouraged to go to open AA meetings to enrich their recovery?
Remember: People don't think about me as much as I think about them. I need to think about myself and my actions as they concur with God's plan for me.
And, as the old timer said to me: Our rooms are never so full we can hire a bouncer to police our members.
I found I had to do some growing up in my AA program before I was ready to hear the Alanon message. I was born qualified for Alanon, but technically wasn't AA qualified until I was 18 or so. But I had to put the plug in the jug first, and it took me years to be ready to go back to Alanon. Lately (and being on this board is indicative of that) I have had the desire to get more involved in Alanon, or just "get around" more - get some fresh perspectives.
In many ways, my parents represent in my eyes the stereotypical alcoholic and codependent. Some of my earliest memories of reasoning and deduction were observing that there was a "mom way" and a "dad way" of doing things, and that they were very different. I see these things reflected so clearly in my AA and Alanon friends. I find it difficult to even use the word "parents" because they were so different, a single word just doesn't do them justice. Of course I am like both of them in different ways so I have equal trouble describing myself. When I went to AA, for the first time in my life I felt I knew what I was, and knew where I belonged. That feeling has never left me. So getting more into Alanon brings that dual nature to the forefront.
There is another benefit to Alanon - I feel my relationship with my (ex-Alanon) mother is better today that it ever has been. Not that it was ever bad, but I find that I understand her much better today, and appreciate all the things she did for us as kids, and as adults too.
Oh well I guess I drifted off the subject but... even though I've been at this a while, I feel like I'm heading into some new growth. It's kind of exciting actually!
I know this will probably fall in the category of "I'm not that important"... LOL... but as an AA, and a born talker, one difference I've observed between AA and Alanon meetings is that when the time is running out on an AA discussion meeting, there will often be a flurry of hands raised and 5, 10... or more people wanting to get their word in. In an Alanon meeting it's just as likely there will be a lengthy period of silence toward the end of the meeting... followed by a sigh of relief when someone does speak up.... as an AA in an Alanon meeting, it's _very_ tempting to fill that space with myself, knowing that not only can I get away with it, but that it's letting other people off the hook and they might even _want_ me to talk so they don't have to. I really have to bite my tongue and just let silence be silence sometimes.
I remember laughing out loud the first time somebody told me it was my "duty" in AA to speak at a meeting and tell my story. 45 minutes at the podium, to talk about my favorite subject... ME! LOL... but on a few occasions, I've actually prayed before talking... prayed for honesty... prayed for humility. Gotta watch what you pray for... on those occasions, I've found myself really exhausted and wrung out at the end of my podium time - the exact opposite of my "I could talk all night" self. A very interesting experience.
The only time I could really see someone having a problem with an alcoholic being in an alanon meeting is if it were a newcomers meeting, with lots of gun shy people who are living right in the teeth of the storm. They may be feeling the real need for a safe place away from the A's, and would not have any program knowledge or tools to deal with the reality that you are not a threat to them.
Other than that, as others have said, I welcome the insight from the 'other side' - I am a big believer in listening to the lessons that the programs can teach each other.
We have several double winners in my homegroup. They kill me, lol, must be an AA thing because they cut thru the BS and get right to the heart of things and for that I am forever grateful.
I am glad you are here and if anything you give me hope that sobriety is attainable to those who desire it. I can understand how you might feel, I was told by an AA in my homegroup "AA taught me how to live sober, Alanon is teaching me how to live serenely." Hmmm....That's what Alanon is teaching me too! We are all here for the same reason -- we want to get healthy.
You belong here! I had to laugh when I read your concern that by announcing you're alcoholic it might make someone else feel awkward. That's great. IF someone else's drinking affects you, come on in. I have received a lot of "vicarious insight" from people in both programs. Jill
In our meetings we ask that people do not talk about thier alcoholism , because it really dosent matter. someone saying they are alcoholic dosent change a thing if they talk to the topic of the meeting we are there to talk about ourselves and how we feel. Al-Anon spoken here kinda says it all .
Some one mentioned double winner , which is a term I have used for yrs, now they tell me that is not correct hmmmmmmm The term used now is dual member which imediatley tells all that u are a member of both programs .
I'm not much for following the constantly changing terminology. In AA, I say I'm an alcoholic, and in Alanon I just say my first name. Sometimes I do say I'm an alcoholic but it's only a slip of the tongue and habit, it's not my normal Alanon intro. I've been to meetings where it seemed like everybody in the room had a different qualifier... it made me just want to say Hi, I'm Barisax and I'm here.... LOL. IMO fussing over terminology is a distraction from the *common* reason we are all here.
Abbyal mentioned alcholics not talking about their own alcoholism in Alanon... that is kind of the crux of my original question. More than once, I felt I was put on the spot by the person chairing the meeting, when discussing alcoholism in general, they would make some point then look at me directly and say "Isn't that right?"... once this was in a beginner's Alanon meeting. I guess in both cases I didn't respond immediately (which would have been cross-talk) but it just felt kind of odd. I realize it was the chairperson who initiated the situation BUT... if it was not already well known that I was also AA, it would not have happened. I guess the thing to keep in mind - and say out loud - is that I can't speak with any authority about alcoholism, except from my own experience... in other words I'm just like everybody else.
Thank you for your honesty.Personally, I think the "double winner" expression is great. I haven't been to an AA meeting, but now feel I really should go. I am very interested to hear the "other side's" point of view. I feel it would really help me understand my A a little better! I'd like to know just what goes through an A's mind when they take that 1st drink, etc. I also feel it would be valuable to an Alanoner to know just how the A feels about a lot of things.
At the moment, my A has sworn off alcohol because he got so sick last time, it 'scared him sober'. He hasn't even touched a beer since,which was a daily thing, but we both know he could start again at any moment. He is not normally one to say he won't drink, and I hadn't said anything to bring this on. He is Diabetic, has high blood pressure, and a few other problems. Since he stopped drinking the beer, his blood pressure and blood sugar have gone down remarkedly. I know he is trying really hard not to drink, and works physically hard to keep his mind off of it. He is not in AA, and probably never will be, so I think I will go to an on-line meeting.
Thanks for bringing this up, it has inspired me. I think it is very important to have "double winners" here. I think it shows how much you do care, and I admire you so much for it. With love and appreciation, TLC
Frankly I like the perspective of an A in Alanon. I go to AA meetings with hubby because I get to see this disease from all sides. We have a group that we regularly attend. I first started going with him when he got out of the hospital because he was so weak. I was welcomed with open arms. Slowly they asked me to do readings with them. Then one day the chair asked me to speak! I was floored. I said: "Hi I'm Karilynn a greateful member of Alanon and greatful to be here." It just came out of my mouth. Our topic was gratitude. I don't speak regularly at the AA meetings because I feel that those who need to the most should.
As for my local Alanon groups, unfortunately they are not as welcoming to As. We are a small town and the several groups that we have are the same group of people. I prefer my meetings here, and local f2f AA meetings in my area. But there is a support group for family of addicts with no AA or Alanon affliations. We welcome recovering addicts and non-recovering addicts. It's very healing for me to hear the addict's side.
When I first came here, one of the first people to respond to my most was a recovering addict besides all of the other wonderful people here. I have heard people in chat introduce themselves like this: I'm ____. I'm an alcoholic/addict and a greatful member of Alanon."
I for one am very happy to all types of people here. The more I know, the better off I am. So welcome! Very glad you're with us.
Live strong, Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Thank you for your honesty.Personally, I think the "double winner" expression is great. I haven't been to an AA meeting, but now feel I really should go. I am very interested to hear the "other side's" point of view. I feel it would really help me understand my A a little better! I'd like to know just what goes through an A's mind when they take that 1st drink, etc. I also feel it would be valuable to an Alanoner to know just how the A feels about a lot of things.
I think we alcoholics would love to share that information if we actually knew the answer, LOL. There is a story in the AA Big Book, I think it's in the chapter "More About Alcholism". It's about Jim, the car salesman... and it is a true story about the mental process that led him to pick up the first drink after a period of sobriety. While the actual excuse at the critical moment is trivial, laughably so, if you look back a couple paragraphs in the story there is a passing mention of a resentment.
Alcoholics can and do drink for no apparent reason, and the reason - if any - given at the moment can be appallingly trite, considering what is at stake. I believe, and I think the Big Book illustrates - that alcoholics set themselves up, hours, days, even months in advance. By this I mean someone who has achieved at least some period of sobriety, long enough to have been relieved of physical cravings.
I need a program, I need my meetings, I need to hear these stories because I know you can't beat the disease of alcoholism at its own game. To play is to lose. If I find myself on the drink/don't drink fence, I'm already in the wrong place. It's not about which side of the fence I fall on that time... if I keep walking the fence, I'll eventually come down on the wrong side. The program is how I stay off the fence. So when I say I don't drink, one day at a time, it's not so much that I walk the fence and always fall on the right side... it's that I'm chosing not to walk the fence. If that makes any sense. For me, its not so much about avoiding places where alcohol is sold or served, but avoiding the thought processes that put me on the fence.
Karilynn wrote: I prefer my meetings here, and local f2f AA meetings in my area. But there is a support group for family of addicts with no AA or Alanon affliations. We welcome recovering addicts and non-recovering addicts. It's very healing for me to hear the addict's side.
Then again, there's a reason why we have our own meetings... LOL... there's that comparison trap. "Well, I heard an alcoholic speak and he had it worse than YOU, and he's been sober 10 years... why can't YOU be like HIM??"
I can almost hear myself mouthing those words to my daughter... I'd see young people her age, who were sober, and wish she was one of them. I got my wish, but it happened when I wasn't looking - thank God, because I would have probably found a way to screw it up!
