The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've not been around for quite some time due to a move out of state, getting internet set up, finding a job, etc. Happy to say that my boys and I have a roof over our heads (although we share it with my mother - an A herself). I also found a fantastic job that I love (9-1-1 Dispatcher) and have started to pay bills for the first time in 5 years. Really painful though to move in with another alcoholic just because if I hadn't, the boys and I would literally have been homeless. Now I'm working towards purchasing a vehicle and then getting out.
Anyway - onto the subject line. I really do have my moments when I am resentful towards my alcoholic/drug addict's sobriety. He's well over 100 days now (June 13, 2006)....and although I want to jump up and down and cheer him on, be his personal cheerleader, I never do it. For one it is because I've been that cheerleader all throughout our past and secondly - I just don't have it in me - no matter how badly I want to do it.
We were on the phone the other day and I completely broke down. He was happy about his sobriety length and talked about this chip/that chip and how his friends through the programs were celebrating with him...and I just got more and more angry. It came to a head in a subsequent phone call. I realized I was only being angry and nasty and he didn't know what it was all about. (I am a woman...and therefor I believed he should KNOW why I was so angry and thought I shouldn't have to spell it out. hahaha) I finally let it all out. Things like "Great, you got this/that/friends/other things in your sobriety. WHAT do you think I've gotten out of this??? What do I get for going through this year after year after year with you? I get a one way pass to my alcoholic mother's house. I lose my "husband", I lose control, I drag my credit through the mud, I have horrible work history from covering your disease(s). I have anger and I have resentment."
He was pretty taken aback by all of that when I continued (Hey, he was quiet...of course I was going to talk again...my nickname isn't 'Laura the Lip' for nothing!). I told him I wanted him to hurt just one small bit of how I was hurting. I told him I wish I could make him hurt (completely not my nature). I told him that I wished he wasn't across the country and instead right next to me so I could beat the dog-snot out of him.
He listened. He didn't get angry with me. He didn't try to explain or justify anything (WHOA.). He said to me that I had every right to those feelings and desires. He told me again how much he loved me and said that he wished he had never done the things he did. Then, as nicely as he could he said: "Laura honey, I have to go. I have to call my sponsor. Thank you for being honest with me about your feelings. I Love You Angel."
I can still hear him saying that. I get angry at myself for being angry and resentful. I don't feel it every day...but I do feel it often. I've been away from Al-Anon too long and I really need this place. Right now there are no local meetings here. I need to read my ODAT book. I need others as well. I need to get a grip on myself and my emotions.
Thank you for letting me "get it out". I've missed MIP and the strength this place and it's members have helped me gain. I've missed the ESH that is shared on the boards, in meetings and in chat. I'm very glad to be back. Thank you ALL.
~Laura
This post may sound as though I could care less about his sobriety. Nothing could be further from the truth. I'm so dang excited for him! I really, really am. I still have my own 'disease' to cope with. Perhaps this all comes from resentment that he is working on his and I'm not doing much for my own....
I think what you are feeling is very real and it is okay to acknowledge this. You have obviously been with your A for the bad times and wish that you had some share of the sobriety along the way. In another words some of the sugar with s..t. I think both you and your A handled the call well because you ended it on a really positive note. I guess you felt like there was a hole in your heart when he called you Honey though. Keep posting you are going to need lots of ESH if you are now living with your Mum. We are here for you always. Luv Leo xx
Welcome Akasha , well your not the first wife to be angry and resentful in sobriety , but it is a shame that u aren't enjoying it . I am sure like all of us u prayed for this for along time , we have a saying here , careful what u pray for u just might get it.
You cannot keep him sober nor is it your job but we can support thier efforts by getting our own program of recovery where u can talk your anger out with others who have been where your at and who do understand . As for his new friends ,well at the moment they are saving his life and are important to him . Having your own program u will make new friends of your own you will be busy fixing the only thing u have any control over YOU .
I hope u find meetings for yourself I know u have children and are working full time but u are worth the effort meetings will change your life.
I was told that an A cannot go home to an old idea and stay sober . Then I was told that I was the old idea !! Everyone has to change not just the A.
And a 100 days sober is a big deal . I am sure he would like to know that u appreciate his efforts. I am assuming u are separated at the moment and I do know how hard that is for you have been there myself. One of the things that were said to me that I never forgot
Was sober is better than drunk any day ." So don't miss the good days.: With or with out him this man will be a part of your life for the rest of your life because of your children so for your sake I hope u take the time to recover . You are worth it .
I think that this program started up in the first place because of Lois having just those feelings - "Oh, you're sober so everything is fine now? I don't think so, what about ME?"
I recently realized that somewhere deep in my heart I am still waiting for an itemized, day by day apology from my husband - "On Oct 17 1993, I snapped at you for something that was not your fault because I was hung over, I'm sorry" On Oct 18, 1993...." Intellectually, of course I realize that such a thing is never gonna happen, but that doesn't mean that I don't want it. And, it comes I think from still seeing myself, in some way, as a victim of HIS stuff. Intellectually, I also know that this is not true. If I am honest with myself, I know that I had a huge part in what happened to me, right from the moment of choosing a man who sent up such large red flags. From years before I met him, if I am REALLY honest. My disease and his fit hand and glove, and we both made the mess we ended up with. However, this is a hard view to take and it's easier and more comforting to slip back into victim mode - I did it for so long, it feels safe and warm. The fact that it's not really true doesn't slow me down.
Glad you're back with us - the program is really the only way to deal with this stuff. You can come here to safely vent all those feelings that you justifiably have but don't really want to lay on him, and work towards finding some peace for yourSELF.
What your ex could have done was the absolute BEST thing ever. He knows that you are completely withn your rights to be out and out PISSED. He doesn't deserve a cheer. Or cake. Or anything like that. He needs to be told, and re told, and re re told, that his alcholism hurt YOU.
What you did was EXACTLY right. And coming here was FANTASTIC.
Great post Laura... very real, and very common. I certainly struggled in similar ways, when my A-wife finally chose sobriety.... It was almost like "society" was now on her side, pulling for her, and I was ticked off that nobody was still feeling sorry for me. It took a lot of self awareness and honesty on my part to help me get past that...... One of the (humorous) things that helped me along the way..... was when I was at my A's treatment center... talking to one of the counselors..... he asked me if there was anything on my mind..... I told him "part of me almost wants my wife to drink again, so I can end this marriage, once and for all".... Deep down, I was likely expecting a bit of a "poor Tom" response, and have him feel sorry for me, for all the crap I had been through, etc.... I was surprised when he responded by saying "of course you do... that way you will be able to continue to blame her for everything that is wrong in your life/marriage, and can continue to NOT take responsibility for anything!".
To this day, I see that as one of the defining moments of my recovery.... He hit the nail right on the head, and I think that he helped me see clear to working on MY recovery.
Take care
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Thank you all so very much for reading and responding. I'm feeling a bit better and even shared this with my A. He's a wonderful person, the best I've ever known. I think we are both quite fortunate in our lives...both together and separated.
We are still together, just separated at the moment...and physically distanced by at least half the continent. It is painful for us both, but this is the best thing that has happened for both of us. I am able to find myself again and he was able to take control of his own life and own his own actions for the first time in a long, long while. When he went to another state it took him less than the time of the plane ride to be flying high on drugs...and it took almost exactly 2 months for him to find himself at AA and NA meetings and getting his poop in a group.
I had told him before that we would be separated a minimum of 6 months...and we've just hit the 6 month mark (or will at the mid-month). I can't believe the changes in him already. No, he's not cured. This is something he has to work at every day of his life....just as I have to work at my own recovery each day of my own as well. However, I am so blessed because I am able to fall in love all over again with the same man...and yet at the very same moment - he is not the man I've always known. Sounds odd to say that, but it is true. I'm very fortunate. (Although I also will not hold my breath - blue isn't my color! )
Thank you for supporting me, my thoughts, my recovery. Thank you for being here...for being a wonderful group of people in my journey. I'll continue on this path of learning, and accept the trials with all the joy that it brings as well. I have become excited again...and it is through MIP that I'm able to feel that way again. We all need the right tools to "get the job done" properly. MIP is one of those tools that is just right for me.
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