It's me again! - Al-Anon Family Group

rainydayz · Member

It's me again!

Mobirdie · Senior Member

You are not in control of his drinking. It doesn't matter what you do or don't do nothing can prevent him from drinking except him. Try to remember that you are dealing with two men in one man's body. It's crowded in there and unfortunately we never know for sure who is going to win the battle to be the one on the outside today.

For ourselves we need to learn to take our blinders off and look at our situation clearly. Sometimes it helps to look at the situation from the outside...imagine you are someone else looking at your relationship, the recent and past events and ask yourself what you would do in that situation. We get so darned blinded by love and dependence and the fear of being alone that we can't think clearly.

As for working the steps there is a step message board here. At the top of the message board log in page click on Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums Once there you will find a link to the step board. At the bottom of the page go back to the earlier pages until you find the step you need to discuss.

To find meetings in your area go to google and type in Al-Anon+ (include the plus sign) and the state you are in. This will bring up all of the sites that are pertinant to your state. If by chance you are close to the border of a certain state you can also do a search for neighboring states.

hope this helps

maresie2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Well I can certainly relate I have definitely nearly killed myself helping others. Talk about over responsibility. I cue into that when people demand of me. I am working on that and it is hard because I get pretty angry but I am like a robot when it comes to cues. Ask me to give you the shirt off my back and I'll have it off in a second.

There is a lot of grief in your share. It is sad and lonely and isolating to be around an A. I think it will do you a lot of good to go to meetings. The meetings here are excellent. It is a real chore to get into them sometimes the chat room feature is not that great. Nevertheless I would highly highly recommend them. You can also post here often on whatever is up for you.

I do think it is worthy loving an A but there is also something called loving yourself. You are not much good to anyone sick, isolated and stuck. So in some ways in going to Al-anon we can help our A's more because we learn more about the disease.

Most days I have to say I am not much interested in helping the A I live with anymore. The only thing he is interested in is using and telling lies and setting up situaitons so he can use. I have never seen it as clearly before. Nothing else in the world matters to him

I know that now intimately I am still angry about it but I no longer try to change it. There are also many other features about the alcoholic which are difficult to deal with. Mine puts a mere stranger on a pedastel and will jump through fire, water and hurricanes to do for them. Ask him to mow the lawn and it is a total impossibility. I find that incredibly frustrating and really at teh end of the day also terribly sad. I eventually give up asking.

These days I look for cues when I meet people. I appreciate your A is a warm, loving human being. At the same time I know the A I live with gave me lots of cues he was a drug/alcholic when I first met him. I did not "read" the cues. These days when I meet people I look for cues and I hold back, I do not storm in and invest heavily. As you well know once you have invested heavily in a relationship its hard to backtrack. Nevertheless if you stick with al-anon you will learn how to detach and focus on you and your issues (you are worth focusing on just as worthy as the A). Detaching helps and I must admit since I live with an active A I have to practice practice practice it every single day sometimes every moment of the day.

I also detach in other places, like work, which for me is a very dysfunctional place. There are many many tools you will learn in Al-anon that will help you along your path. No one here is going to insist you do anything, leave, help him more, save him, crucify him. They will empathise with you and tell you some tools they have used to get better.

Maresie.

lin0606 · ~*Service Worker*~

No one here knows what is best for you. If you find eventually that you need to leave your A in order to have peace in your life, then that will be your decision. If you find you can stay, through working the steps and using alanon tools, then that is also your decision. There are some of us here who have left, and some who have stayed - you do not need to justify your actions to us.

All of us are here because we are sick. This means that sometimes our sickness comes out in our reactions to each other. This is why we say "take what you need and leave the rest" - not eveything you hear here will be helpful to you. You are an intelligent adult, you can make your own choices based on what is best for you, and this program will help you to have the necessary faith in yourself.

Christy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi rainy..
You can call 1-888-425-2666 and they will give you every meeting and time in your area.
It's awesome that you are going!!
"A thousand mile journey begins with the first step" :)

Christy

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.