The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well I think ive got one for you. My dry A who isnt working says that will do the dishes and dust in return if I pay my A the 3.00 I give my daughter for allowence.
Which my daughter does a lot more then that as im sick and she has helped me daily.
Yeah we know kids do miss things when there doing chores but there human too.
I was totally floored on this and I just did not say anything. Meanwhile I was thinking why should I pay you to do that when you live here too.
I can see how come you found this a very strange thing to say, however it does not seem strange to me. They are A, their focus, there number one desire, is to use.
Money means they can fulfill that goal.
Like we say it is all insanity.
I am so sad you are having to deal with this. Maybe ask, what do you want the money for? If he says, cig. or pop or gas, tell him you will buy the cigs or whatever...
I changed me, we cannot change them. Hey my A had a pickup I love, a 78 Chevy shortbed. He was going to sell it. I had kicked him out at the time. So I bought it from him. Pretty dumb since we are married and it was mine anyway. But I changed me.
Doing chores is part of a loving thing you do for your children, because you are teaching them to help and that it's important to keep a clean house. I interpret it to mean that your A must not see himself as an adult. Maybe that's part of why he isn't working. I have heard that whatever age our qualifyers start using is the limit of their maturity. That formula makes my A about 13 years old. I say it's a pretty accurate assessment from my experience. It's good you said nothing. I would have had to really fight back my urge to say something had that situation ever happened to me. Somewhere in the literature there is some information about letting the A's in our life have their dignity to work it out for themselves. I struggle with this myself. It's hard. Very hard. Maybe he'll "grow up" maybe he won't. If it's booze he wants to buy with the money, he'll find a way to get it. Whether you put him on the payroll, he pawns something, "borrows" it, or he gets a job.
I so agree with Debilyn but wanted to hug you with your tears Purple. The enormity of this disease as we begin to see through our own denial can be overwhelming.
Keep coming and keep posting. We so understand, Maria123
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
