The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I know all the healthy ways to take care of me.....I know all the phrases to help me stay healthy. I know being honest about my feelings is a good thing when my A is sober. Then why do I keep trying to explain to him how left out of his life I am. Why do I keep going in circles. He truly believes (so he says) that once my inheritance comes through that we are done. That I don't "need" him anymore. I have said over and over I "want" to be with him.
Here's what happened today. He worked a side job, he was taking my 15 yr old with him. I said well I guess you will be home early, his response was ....well yeah, I have to drop him off at home, he can't go to the bar with me....I thought he was kidding...He wasn't. Does it never enter their minds to watch a DVD (which costs no money) or go get a burger with their spouses? On top of all of this, I have lost the person, my mom, that I use to talk to about this stuff. Who always encouraged me. What am I doing, thinking that "he" is going to change....I said today that I wake up worried about the bills, that is my first thought when I wake up......I really think his first thought is that he has work to do on a job before he goes to the bar. Maybe he's right, maybe when I am financially secure, I will finally say "no more, I deserve more" or "I want to be with someone who wants to be with me" ......
After quitting my job, and months of being at mom's, caring for her, packing up the house after her dying, getting the house ready to sell and now getting my house in order, I "feel" so alone. I miss my best friend, today would have been our casino day, Sundays she would come for dinner. My A doesn't see any of this.....I know they are selfish.
I don't want anyone to think that I want all his free time, I have a life too....he has different interests than me, and that's okay. I have seen and listened to people that are married for 40 years to an alcoholic....and I wonder why, why would you want to keep doing your own things without the person your married too.....Am I missing something?..... My brain keeps asking me ...."What am I doing?" and "Why even try?" Is there going to be some awakening? Some clear view? I don't think, NO I know I don't want to be married and live as if I have a roommate.
So it comes down to this...I can be honest, upfront, with my feelings and that doesn't mean he will see our lives any differently then he does now. When I am honest about my feelings, he will continue to twist and turn it at an attempt to make me feel guilty...(which I quickly reply to with...."No I am not going to feel bad for sharing the way I feel" I have to plug along and take care of me. When I first came to the board, I thought "I can't imagine waking up one morning with "Him" by my side" ..it's so different now. I can imagine that, I can imagine being single and not "waiting" for other people to go back to the way they were when I first met them.....
Wow, I just re-read what I wrote, I am very unhappy in this marriage. I am tired of the cycles of being in a relationship with an alcoholic. In fact I am exhausted from it. I do deserve to treat myself better, to allow myself some true happiness. Maybe my A is right, maybe when all is said and done and my safety net in in the bank and secure, maybe I won't feel the constant need to make this relationship work.
I can understand what you mean. I feel like I have a roomate rather than a partner. Its very hard when your in a releshanship and the person doesnt seem emotionally available for you. Thats very hard. I know what yo mean. You feel like your on a scale that you dont know which way you want to be. You keep leaning back and forth and dont know where you want to be. You question if you want to stay and leave. You are exactually where I am emotionally. I cant get my A to do anything as a family thing.
Hugs to you Mary !! I know you must be having a terrible time right now with all the "a's" bad behavior plus the loss of your Mom.. I am sorry, just try to take ODAT we will get thru this..
I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. I can imagine that this is a period of re-evaluation for you. I know I lost my own mother (who I did not have a good relationship with a few years ago). I know also that the grief for me took a while to work through.
I hope you will give yourself space to work through whatever it is you need to before you make decisions. I tend to make decisions in my life in a very rash way after a period of immobilization. I am working to change that, this group is part of that.
The Alcoholic was not very supportive of me when my mother died, he is and has never really been that suppotive of me in anything. These days in moving through another period of my life I want and deserve someone supportive and kind and giving. I know that. Giving for me is not going to be all one way anymore.
Your story sounds way too familiar to me. I said many of the same things. I even started to refer to my A as my platonic roommate! I also can't understand why some people stay married to A's for a long time either. I guess it just depends on your own individual situation. My situation was unbearable. I finally came to the end of my rope and filed for divorce about a month ago.
Even though I have an enormous amount of work ahead of me... he also uses cocaine and has financially ruined us so we must sell our house... I feel a huge sense of relief already.
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Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain.
Just as you are struggling to find your answers, so am I.
The scary thing for me is that I thought I needed him to help out with the kids while I go back to school to get my degree. I am doing it without him.
Much of what I do is without him.
I was talking to a co-worker about how since "A" is leaving for Alaska, I am feeling a comfort, because I do better without him. I looked at my co-worker and said, "There is truth in there that I don't want to see, because I am not ready to face it." I am scared becasue I know the right thing to do. I know what is better for me, but the love I feel for him is holding me. The thing that drives me crazy is the not knowing if HP is telling me now is the right time or not.
Keep working it girl! The answers are in us and when the time is right, HP will let us see them.
Yours in recovery,
Mandy
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
((()) Mary allow yourself the time to get through the grief of losing your Mum. You don't have to make any decisions until you are ready to. You have had a lot on your plate recently. Whatever you choose you know that you will have the strength and support of all of us to help you cope. Luv Leo xx
Gosh Mary, I so feel for you. I'm so sorry you've lost your mom and best friend. It feels awful not to have that relationship, but if there's any consolation, you have the love of those of us here.
It's so tough to be in a situation like you described. I think writing it out and putting thoughts in black and white is one way I deal with reality. If something stays in my head -- it doesn't have to be "real." Does that make sense? When I let those thoughts out -- either by writing or talking out loud to a friend, it becomes more real... and somehow I have to decide something. Sometimes, I have asked someone to talk with me and hear me out and sometimes I have set some timeline for me to make a decision... lots of times I linger in limbo and drive myself crazy.
I don't know why anyone would want to stay with an active alcoholic. My A, when he was using and drinking, was not the man I married or the man I loved. After 8 years, I stopped respecting him, stopped loving him, and stopped hoping for him to change. There were days I hated him b/c of his arrogance, his denial, his self-righteousness to do whatever he wanted. I was so angry at him and resented him so much. He wasn't there emotionally, mentally, and sometimes physically not present to help me raise our son. When I realized that this man had nothing to offer me or my child, that's when I decided to see a lawyer about separating legally and filing for divorce. I also my A I had reached my limit and that I was seeing a lawyer and when I had made the appt..... and then... he decided to get help.... he had been in his own denial about his addiction b/c he thought had hadn't been affected by it -- he hadn't lost anything of importance. When he started losing things (his car, his job performance went way down) and then started losing relationships, he started to realize his addiction WAS affeting him -- he was well on his way to losing everything; of course, he didn't hear this from me -- he heard it from another recovering addict. When I got serious, so did he. It was because he got clean and sober and got a sponsor and started working the steps and went to meetings almost every day and I saw changes in his attitudes and behaviors that I thought I'd give him one last chance. Along with that, I made a committment to work my program and go to meetings every week too. It's been three years now... and we know that only when we both work the program and stay humble, open and willing to listen and to change do we have a chance to make it. Not to threaten him, but I do sometimes share with him that I could never live with an active A ever again... it's not a threat -- it's just the plain truth that I share. Thankfullly, he never wants to be where he was three years ago.
I don't know. The program confuses me sometimes. How can a person be happy whether the alcoholic is drinking or not? I'm not sure. I know the focus is on me; I know it's all about me... but I could never really be happy while I know someone I loved was slowly killing himself... and affecting me and my children in the process.
You don't have to make any decisions right now. In fact, since your mom recently passed, you might give yourself some time to get through the process of grieving. Then again, if living with an active A is making things more difficult for you, maybe you can seek some help (counseling?) and maybe start to consider some decisions or plans. I think you have to decide what you want and how you hope to attain that... and of course, praying always helps. Pray for guidance, strength, and open doors to help you know the way to go.
My AHsober "left" before he ever really left. His addictions keep him out of his feelings. Then and now I would give anything to have him turn around and acknowledge me and who I am and what I am going through.The addictions keep the emotions at bay. If you don't feel your feelings, then you can't know when you hurting someone, etc.
I have asked myself the same questions. Why? I probably will never get an answer but I still ask why? How hard is it to include someone in your plans? What I hear in your post is that you are making up your mind because he said it was over not you/ I told my husband that wanting out of the marriage and wanting a divorce is all about him. I told him that I have a right to make up my own mind and draw my own conclusions. And that I have a right to do this when I am ready. Right now I am not emotionally ready to even think about it.
Take your time. I think that you will know when you ar ready to make a decision.
